Who is up for a rollercoaster?

Rollercoasters are fun, right? They give you some type of thrill. That thrill that keeps you interested and running back for more. It pulls you up, throws you down. Thrusts you forward , pushes you back. It scares you, makes you laugh. Some even make you sick to your stomach. It’s that indescribable thrill that pulls you back to ride again and again.

He’s the creator of my personal rollercoaster. An emotional one. Filled with its own type of thrills. Also filled with heartache and tears. Laughs and fears.  Sometimes he even has the ability to make me feel physically sick.

He is my rollercoaster.

In this world full of disappointments, heartache and cruelty. People seek out distractions. They seek out things to level them.  Healthy emotional beings search for stable relationships. They are able to find these said relationships. They know when to let the unstable ones go. Then you have people like me – that hold on too tightly.

As I said before, I wasn’t expecting to fall in love with him. After that night, after that connection was created. Something changed in me. It was like my faith in him, in love, had been born. I have had others tell me how they felt about me. But it had always felt…Superficial. The way he felt vibrated by soul – radiated my heart. I felt it.

I felt safe with him. I was able to be vulnerable with him. Being vulnerable with someone wasn’t something that came easy for me. If anyone knew how frightening it was for me, they would understand the risk I took with that. I’ve taken that risk twice in my life. Twice.  Both times I got burned. It chipped away at my heart. It made me so cold. He was able to bring warmth to my heart. Do you understand how scary that was? I did. But that thrill, that thrill that sent me on an emotional ride. A ride that I didn’t want to end. I needed it.

He had someone. I knew that. I accepted it. As I said before it wasn’t meant to be like this. I don’t believe he meant it to be like this. But it happened. Things happen.

I made a conscious decision to be the other woman.

I was never proud of this decision. It actually ate at my soul. I know how it feels to be betrayed. How it feels to be lied to.  Cheated on. I never expected to be the perpetrator after being a victim myself. But this was different. We loved each other. I’m sure that’s the common rationale used, right? To justify wanting to be with a man who is already taken. To make it feel right. When in all reality it isn’t. To be so selfish, and to know it’s selfish. It makes you question your morals all together. It makes you question his respect for you, as a woman.

I pushed it in the back of mind. The things I knew. The doubts I felt. The uneasiness that I felt every time I wondered why he hadn’t left. I secretly questioned his motives. His feelings. It was only natural to wonder if he loved me why not just be with me. I pushed it all in the back of my mind. For as long as I could. Instead I held onto how sweet his kisses were. How gentle his touch was. The way he looked at me. Our conversations. I wasn’t the only one who had become vulnerable. Or was chasing this thrill. He was just as engaged as I was.  As in love as I was. We created this double life, a life we stayed in so safely when we were together. We lived this lie, this beautiful lie for a very long time. But all beautiful things come to an end. Soon enough my emotions would take over. Soon enough this rollercoaster wouldn’t be so exciting anymore. Soon enough my faith in love would be crushed again.

 

“Beautiful hurricane, I create disasters”

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