I’m putting this here just so people will understand what my thought processes are with Lucifer. He has NPD – a covert Narcissist. He is text book. Apparently, I’m just pining for him instead of healing from what he did to me. So, here’s a link with some information.
Once a person has become a victim of a narcissist (whether it happened in childhood or later on in life), the victims are already unconsciously primed to enter the narcissist’s “convoluted dance” that opens them up to further abuse. It is necessary for the therapist to gently shine a light on what they are doing in the dance that makes them a victim. Once again, a “Narcissistic Victim” is any person who is harmed, injured or killed by a person who displays pathological narcissism (which can occur on a spectrum of severity).
The victim needs to understand that this “dance” of codependency requires two people: the pleaser/fixer (victim)2, and the taker/controller (narcissist/addict), together both partners dance beautifully in perfect step, and the madness begins. The consequences for the victim not understanding the intricacy of the dance, is that, no matter how often they try to avoid “unhealthy” partners, they will find themselves habitually returning to the same dance floor; the only thing that will change is that they will find themselves dancing to a different tune, but always the personality of the dance partner remains the same.
Therapist need to be seriously aware that narcissism is a very complex disorder that creates a lot of suffering, both to the person who has the disorder, and to those people who have to live with the disordered narcissistic behavior on a daily basis. When I speak of narcissistic abuse, (abuse that can lead to Narcissistic Victim Syndrome), I am speaking about a form of abuse that is very insidious. What I mean by insidious is that the abuse is covert, cunning and often indirect. This form of abuse is often carried out in a subtly and clandestine manner, because narcissists go to great pains to avoid being observed publicly as being abusive. This Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde behaviour of the narcissist (loving one minute and totally enraged the next) can inflict great harm on the victim. Understandably, the fear, distress, confusion, inner turmoil, and chaos that they experience leaves them “walking on eggshells” in order to avoid further conflict with the narcissist. The effect on the victim over time can be very crippling indeed. I liken narcissism to a parasitic worm that manages to penetrate under the skin, where it is out of the sight of witnessing eyes, but is free to injure or consume its host slowly, leaving trauma or disease in its wake. By the way, the narcissist can manage to live on inside the victim even after they manage to escape; it is as if their “seed” goes on.
Emphasis and footnotes are added as well as some editing to make this more digestible. The article above is very long, so keep that in mind if you decide to read it.
I saw a little bit of that in Sam. Just a bit. Like he’s not quite fully developed this way. There was a point where I refused to discuss things with him because he would get angry. The last week of our relationship was seriously stressed. That’s really why we broke up. I was afraid of falling back into the same trap I’ve been in before. I completely and totally freaked out as soon as he started lashing out at me3.
With Lucifer… That mofo… There’s a reason I call him Lucifer. He tore my brain apart and put it back together all wrong. And that is why I’m seeing a trauma counselor. I’m not pining for Lucifer in the way Sam thinks. I’m recovering from him. Because that’s what happened in my brain when he messed me up. I’m the fixer in this scenario. The link above explains it more in-depth. I’m currently wallowing quite a bit, but I’m certainly not pining.
- It’s quite a long article. [↩]
- This is me. [↩]
- There really was no reason for the rage he displayed that day. We weren’t fighting and we had an excellent morning. That wasn’t the first time he did that – in less than a week – and I felt threatened. My lizard brain went into autopilot and I lashed back. It’s what I do. [↩]