I can’t think of many redeeming qualities he possesses. Half of the time, okay maybe majority of the time, I’m struggling to even find what it is I even find attractive about him. He really isn’t my type physically. Besides his curly black hair, his smooth brown skin, his perfectly shaped lips. Ok…ok maybe I do know why I am attracted to him. But it’s not his looks that have me so dazed by him. Quite frankly I don’t know what it is about him that does. I get irritated by his impulsiveness. His arrogance. His inability to be selfless at times. He is not someone that I would have thought I would love. His reputation is far from flawless. If I had been looking for perfection. He was far from it. But I fell. And I fell hard. So unexpectedly.
Is it love? For a long time I prayed that it wasn’t. All I was looking for was a distraction for a lot of things that were falling apart in my life. A good time, if that’s what you want to call it. He brought excitement into my life. Secret meetings, in secret spots. Both just looking to escape reality. But I know that I myself, possess a certain curse. Men seem to fall for me even when they don’t think they would, and I usually hold the power in these situations. This time no one held this particular power. Even though I could see he was falling. I slipped too.
The moment I slipped I knew the power was now his. Sadly, he knew it too.
I remember the moment. I knew I lost the power. Sex wasn’t just sex anymore. It became some type of window to my soul. The night I knew I loved him. Everything felt different. Smelled different. We moved different. I felt as though I could hear his heart beating through his chest. My heart beat seemed to sync with his. Everything slowed down. I focused on his breathing. Everywhere his breath touched made me shiver. His hands locked with mine. They didn’t let go. I just kept thinking it was all in my head. It was just me. But then we locked eyes. His eyes stayed on me the whole time. I would look away and he would follow.
He knew what I didn’t know , or didn’t want to believe. He knew I had loved him. But for how long. He put his cheek on my cheek and his breathing in my ear, heightened all my senses. All the times before it was just sex. All the times before I never paid attention to all the details. This time I was in tuned with him. My body was in tuned with his. And at the peak of the intensity. He pulled his cheek off mine. And looked into my eyes. And for the first time the words I love you flowed so sweetly from his lips. And all I could think was, if this wasn’t love then God I don’t know what is.