This is Exhausting

I’ve neen reading a lot about Narcisstic Personality Disorder. Honestly reading about it and realizing that MyDude is a classic case. I mean, the idealization, the devaluation, the triangulation, the fucking discard1. Waking up to the fact that he did this to me on purpose. I knew he got some kind of sadistic pleasure out of it… It’s hard to look at myself as a freaking supply.

I have never been more special to him than a late night taco. If I wasn’t available he went to another taco bell. To him we are all the same. There is nothing different about us except what we can offer him. When I started saying no he managed to devise a perfectly traumatic discard2.

I hate how clinical this is in my mind. The words and definitions are so harsh. But they’re real. I was an object to him. A useful tool until I wasn’t. He fits so neatly into the definition of the narcissist who uses pity to worm his way in. He targets women who have excessive amounts of empathy. Then he sucks their soul.

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The above image is from the book “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare” by Shahida Arabi.

That has been the hardest thing for me to deal with. We were only together for 5 months but he managed to open all my old wounds and create some pretty nasty new ones.

This isn’t about him. It’s about me. And how I reacted, what I expected and the sad realization that I meant nothing at all to him at every point. That’s a lot to digest.

I’ll be looking at my own reactions and vulnerabilities for a while. He was an abuser, but was I better? He’d say not. But my reactions were to abuse I didn’t even realize was happening.

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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. That seriously traumatized me. I’m not going to lie. []
  2. Discarded like the nothing I was to him. []
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