I create a lot of problems for myself. I will be the first one to admit it. I will look down at my foot and shoot that fucker right off. I am too impulsive.
I did another stupid thing last weekend. I maybe will talk about this stupid thing when I can figure how out to tell the story1, but that’s not today. I want to talk about something I learned from my experiences with my craptastic exes. You know, the ones I allowed myself to become emotionally invested in. The ones that mattered.
- They prefer skanks and people that treat them like garbage.
- Monogamy is still bullshit.
- I’m horrible at picking partners.
- No matter how I show them how much I love them I will always be disposable.
- I can’t believe a mofo no matter how sincerely he says “I love you”.
- It is way easier being a cold-hearted bitch. At least I was happier then.
- None of it was worth this ending. Ok, it’s not an ending. But the gods are cruel so I don’t expect to find a partner that I’ll trust. Ever
- My gut doesn’t lie to me. I lie to myself. I hurt myself because I believed it when some assholes said they loved me. I believed then when they said I make them happy. I ignore what I see with my own eyes.
- I’d much rather be cold than hurt. Again. I suck at this “good woman” shit. I’m not meant for that.
- I will never, ever in my life be the kind of baby’s mom who uses my child to get my way. I promise to never use her as an excuse to treat someone hateful. Unless they’re mean to her. Then the wrath of mama comes down on them.
- I am often my own worst enemy. Lucifer was right about that. If I make a choice regarding romance, it’s probably the wrong one.
- I wish I was more like them. Because then I could hurt people who love me and not feel guilt.
My counselor says to love myself. She’s ignoring the overwhelming evidence that there’s just no point. I don’t want to love anyone. I’m better off that way. I mean, aside from my family and friends. I’m perfectly loveable, but I’m meant to walk alone. The sooner that realization takes root, the sooner I’ll be ok. She isn’t seeing my reality, to be honest. I do a lot of introspection and trying to comes to grip with myself. But it’s not working for me. None of this is working for me. I give and give and give and they take and take and take. Then I’m still thrown over as soon as some skank wants to suck a dick.
Before I met TheMan I was “talking to” a couple of guys. Two of them were Jay and Jason. Now, Jay and I were friends and he was really into me. I was fully aware of his feelings. But I was a cold-hearted bitch back then. Anyway, there were rules. No one was to just drop by my apartment. I was open about seeing other people. I never lied to these guys.
“You can’t claim me. I’m not your woman. Don’t get jealous.”
So, one day Jay and his friend were at my apartment. We were playing cards or something. I don’t remember. Then suddenly Jason is there with his friend. I never gave Jason permission to come that day and he certainly didn’t ask. That pissed me off. And, so, I did what I do. I sat in the middle of the floor – Jay and his friend on one side of the room and Jason with his friend on the other – and called my ex. I sat there, bold as all get out, and told him what was going on. Then I proceeded to ask him if he wanted to come play spades. He thought that was downright hilarious, so he said yes. Jay and Jason were eyeing each other the entire time. I liked Jay, but in an effort to hurt Jason I hurt him too. I used both of them against each other and, ultimately, enjoyed seeing them puff up. They were obviously uncomfortable, but neither of them made a peep. Neither of them had a right to claim me. That day I made sure they all knew it. The kicker? Neither of them broke it off with me. I continued seeing them both until Jason pissed me off so much I just dumped his ass. Then I found his replacement. Jay stuck around for a really long time. Until he couldn’t take it anymore. I broke his heart a million different ways and he still wanted a chance.
I’m going back to that. I obviously don’t attract nice guys2 so I’ll do what I’m good at. What’s expected. And then live my life completely separate. Easy fucking peasy. I just have to toughen up again.
I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.