TheMan Has Lost His Mind

So, I have a funny story. Oh, yes. It is hilarious.

I have the littles this weekend. Lil’lady went with her dad to take Millie to lunch. I spent most of my time dodging Lil’est as she jabbers in my ear1. I haven’t bothered to even put on makeup today. No point in it. Today is

apparently just another Sunday for me.

Anyway, TheMan asked to see the littles. I said sure. I mean, he’s their Papa and I’m not a cold-hearted bitch. They adore him and were excited to see him. Since it’s a beautiful day they just went outside to see him. I went out and sat on the stoop as they spent time together.

Pretty soon the kids were running to a fro and not really interested in talking. So TheMan came over to talk to me. And talk. And talk. And talk some more. I tried to get out of the conversation but he just kept chatting. He told me he’s going to come around and fix my mower. And the light on the stove. And what the fuck is going on with my landlord? I have no idea what he was on about. Just a bunch of jibber jabber. I mentioned that Lucifer gave the lawn mower a complete tune-up last summer2. He didn’t like hearing all that. Ha. Whatever, dickhead. You’ve got your Pokemon.

He sat down with me and talked for probably 45 minutes. It was the weirdest thing. I just kept thinking “boy, the pup would get a real kick out of this.”3 He was flirting with me. I recognized it. I wanted to laugh right in his face. I mean, come the fuck on. Who is he kidding? He left me for a woman that looks like Jynx the Pokemon because, according to him, she’s a “great housekeeper.” Well, yeah. She doesn’t have much more to offer. I’m pretty sure he was trying to figure out if I’m single now. I mentioned that I am, in fact, single again. Poor me.

Except I need my lawn mower fixed. And he’s the only person I know who can get it fixed. So, I put on the poor-pitiful-me act about that. “It was working last summer and then all the sudden it just stopped starting”. He puffed up as he is wont to do. He likes being the knight in shining armor. If I can get that mofo fixed then I’ll let him take the role for now. Dumbass. He did this shit the last time we split up. Kind of weaseled his way in. Started asking if I needed anything then taking me to dinner… blah blah blah. That shit is not popping off this time. I’ve learned my lesson. Still, I might be able to get him to give me permission to leave. And that is worth being a little bit of a lying asshole. I’ll do it. I did it for at least 7 years. Why not? No, not going back to fuckface. But getting what I need from him for now. Ha.

That is my funny story. I knew it was coming when I saw him at Lil’lady’s concert. He saw us both in the same room and, well, I’m so much cuter than his girlfriend. Also he wouldn’t have to pay child or spousal support if he came back to me. Not happening, buddy. Too late. I’ve already fallen in love with someone else. TWICE. And all he did was make me think of the last guy4. I’m not the least bit attracted to him anymore. And I haven’t forgiven him for blowing up our family. He can sleep in the bed he chose.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. She’s still at it. Gods bless her. []
  2. He did. Lucifer is very handy actually. If you can keep him focused. []
  3. Which reminds me: I keep almost calling Spooky Jim by the pup’s real name. It’s so weird. []
  4. He seriously would’ve had a great time hearing about that. Then he’d have threatened to choke the shit out of him. []
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