A Time to Reset and Rebuild

I become my own self-fulfilling prophecy

I wrote that last summer while I was dealing with the fall out from Lucifer. I was editing out Sam’s real first name1 out of a couple of places and ran into a post wherein I blame myself for what happened with Lucifer. I’m good at making myself feel like shit. Anyway, the above line pretty much sums it all up, I think2.

Today is Easter. I don’t really celebrate except for the kids and Easter candy, etc. But the whole point of the day for Christians is that Jesus is risen and he’s able to finally be who he was meant to be3. Spring is a time of renewal – a time when light finally begins to win over the dark. It’s when we in the winter climes begin to breathe a sigh of relief. Winter – and the darkness – are behind us now. Now comes the rain to wash away the cold hardness of winter. Easter is celebrated as a Christian holiday.

I celebrate it for the hope it brings. Hope for new things, new warmth, and new chances.

Spring is my favorite time of the year. It’s exciting to me to see the robins come or the daffodils emerging from the soil. I love song of all the birds coming home from their winter foraging. Everything becomes shiny and colorful again. The grass becomes green again and the trees begin to show leaves. Spring is the beginning. It’s the start. We celebrate our New Year in mid-winter. But we should mark it in the spring. Everything becomes new again.

I’ll be a bit sad this year. I so enjoyed the yard at my old house. Anyone who follows me on Twitter should remember this. Whether it announcing the hatching of the dove babies or the antics of my Drunk Neighbor. Or just sitting in the back yard under my trees. The bird nests in my bushes with baby bunnies hidden beneath. The squirrel nests that eventually led to frolicking baby squirrels on my porch. I loved watching my heirloom, lavender rose bush just starting to bloom. My lily garden finally emerging and those fucking ants eating them.

I haven’t really dealt with the loss of my home. Because it was so much more than a house with a yard to me. Spring was the most wonderful time there. My yard would come alive. And I loved it. People say “you didn’t really lose that much. At least you’re still alive”, but they don’t realize that the house itself wasn’t what was important. It was the home it represented. The security and stability of it. It was memories, hopes, dreams and traditions.

I still love this season, but I won’t be working out in the yard or watching the babies be born. I won’t be sitting on my porch watching my neighbors in the evening. It won’t be the same at all this year. This year will be the rebirth of me, I think. That’s what this spring will mark. The restart of the beginning of my new life. It’s just Lil’lady and me now. I’ll be cultivating something entirely different this year. I hope I don’t fuck it up.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. Sam is still not his real name, guys. []
  2. I’m still trying to decide if it’s grammatically correct. []
  3. I’m probably wrong. Whatever. []