I Like to Break Things
Happy Mother’s Day to all the beautiful moms over here reading my drivel. Not the skanks though. Sorry, not sorry.
Today I’m sitting thinking about what’s on tap next year. My life has changed so much in the last two years and I’ve lost so much.
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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.
I had some pretty vivid dreams last night. I woke up scratching my head. They weren’t what you’re thinking, though.
I dreamt that Sen. Sherrod Brown brought a posse of people to my house for a photo op. Except it wasn’t my house – it was a trailer. And I never did see Brown in my dream. I came out of the bedroom to a room full of people and zoomed in on someone in a chair. It was Sen. Tammy Duckworth. Of course, I swooned like any proper fangirl would do. I told a funny joke. She laughed, but one her aides got pissed. “That is highly inappropriate. She is a sitting U.S. Senator.” I didn’t feel the least bit ashamed and just told the aide she was a stick in the mud.
I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.
Last night I found out my 16 year-old niece is pregnant. She put her ultrasound up on Instagram. She announced her “bean” will be here in December and her family helpfully congratulated her on her news. Congratulated her for becoming a teenage mother. Is no one explaining to that child what kind of life she can expect? How hard it will be for both her and the child? No. I can almost guarantee that no one will sit her down and talk to her about the new reality she is facing.
I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.
I may have mentioned the CT’er1 that comes into my job. I like her generally, but she’s easy to get riled. I find that hilarious. The other day this fine lady told me that Podesta or Clinton or someone was a gasp follower of Aleister Crowley. She declared him evil because he practiced gasp sex magic.
Regardless of your feelings on Crowley (I have none either way), the idea that sex magic is EVUL™ just grates my cookies. Sex is evil? Well, it can be. That’s true. Men have used rape to subjugate women – and other men – forever. But overall? Sex is most assuredly not evil.
I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.
About a month and a half ago I was crying and asking my gods why the fuck don’t I get some good karma for once. I was sad and miserable and empty. I felt like my gods and ancestors were just playing with me for cruel shits and giggles. Like they were continually punishing for something I couldn’t fathom I did.
But I was so wrong. In fact, I am a very blessed person.
I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.
I’m still working on that sex post. I know some fellas are anxious. I don’t know why. There will be no illustrations.
I just wanted to note something for folks that care.
I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.
I hung out with my friend again last night. We were at his other friend’s house smoking some weed and her son was home. At first we were having an interesting conversation. I may have gone off on a tangent about why it’s too late for these 2A’ers1 to stop the government from bringing their boot down. And why does our little pissant town need a fucking tank? My friend was nodding a long and suddenly the young guy decides to change the subject. By the way, I’m pretty sure he’s younger than Sam, but I didn’t ask. He’s technically an adult, I know, but pffft. Anyway, this guy goes in the other room and comes out with two totes full of Jordans.
Two. Totes. Full. Of. Jordans.
The guys are suddenly in this animated conversation about these freaking shoes and my eyes couldn’t possibly roll harder without becoming dislodged. I left the conversation pretty much immediately. It’s been a long time since I’ve been around a table full of men talking about some shoes and I did not miss that crap at all. I started scrolling through Twitter to keep my traitorous mind off of bad subjects.
“Jen! Jen!” I’m off in my own little world – completely blocking out this boring ass conversation. I mean, I wasn’t even trying to pretend to be interested. Honestly, I was waiting to chill out a few minutes then off to home I was going. I look at him. He’s grinning. I don’t know why. He’s always grinning. “Get off your phone and scratch my back, homie.” Argh. I could feel my face turn. I hate this.
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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.
I’m currently pretending that psychos aren’t stalking and threatening me because I won a debate. Ok, well, not currently. But yesterday and today I had a BLAST out in the real world.
Yesterday we went to a picnic. This one was family oriented1 so we took the chillins. OMG, Lil’lady was hilarious. Now that she’s reached the ripe old age of (three plus one— shh!) she does a whole lot of talking. Since there were 200-300 people there, she had a lot of people to talk to. The funniest, though, was when she went up to a little Amish girl and told her:
“When our electricity goes out we’re going to be Amish and my mommy’s going to make me a blue dress.”
Yesterday we went to a picnic. This one was family oriented1 so we took the chillins. OMG, Lil’lady was hilarious. Now that she’s reached the ripe old age of (three plus one— shh!) she does a whole lot of talking. Since there were 200-300 people there, she had a lot of people to talk to. The funniest, though, was when she went up to a little Amish girl and told her:
“When our electricity goes out we’re going to be Amish and my mommy’s going to make me a blue dress.”
Holy shitballs! Oops.
A little history for this hilarity:
A couple of weeks ago our electric went out for a few hours. Lil’lady, being the rather timid creature that she is, insisted that we light some candles and go sit on the front porch. Apparently she believes that we must retreat to the outdoors whenever the power goes out2. So, we’re sitting on the front porch and listening to the drunk neighbors across the street. It was rather peaceful (regardless) and Lil’lady asked me to tell her a story. Not very good at fiction, I started regaling her with tales from my youth. One story that stuck out to her was when I stayed with my cousins in the summer.
My cousins lived in a small town smack-dab in the middle of Amish Country (Ohio for those of you gathering information). A really nice Amish family lived on a farm at the bottom of my cousins’ hill. They had a little girl named Mardella. Mardella and I got to be really good friends3 and I was able to go inside her home, ride in the family buggy, was invited to dinner and helped tend the horses. My experiences with Mardella and her family made for great memories and I shared some of those with Lil’lady.
Lil’lady, of course, didn’t understand why the Amish are different. So I explained that they don’t have electricity, televisions, telephones, cars, etc. Of course, that led to more questions as she is (three plus one) and more stories and more… Well, you know how kids her age can be.
Something about that conversation must have stuck in her head, because she was completely enthralled by the Amish folks at the picnic and couldn’t wait to make a new friend. Little did she know that her enthusiasm would cause her poor, dear mother much embarrassment. Later we discussed why we weren’t going to become Amish- but after we took a ride in an Amish buggy.
Today was a 21 and over which meant Al Kee Hall was going to be there. Woo-hoo! I was excited to be going where no children could follow. It’s been a while since I was able to escape the confines of motherhood joyous sound of my children. This was especially nice because they had an open bar with two kegs and lots of Seagram’s4. So, TheMan and I had our required hotdog then went straight for Al.
Of course, I couldn’t remember if it was “Beer before liquor never sicker” or “Liquor before beer never sicker” so I had a beer first. Then I said fuck it and went for the hard stuff. But not too much. Just enough to…
Get my ass shakin’ on the dance floor! WOOT! We were boot scootin’ and booty callin’ and it was suh-weet. It’s been a long time since I went dancing5 and I was loving it. There weren’t very many women as young as me6 which should tell you something, but those ladies could get down. No lie. They were shakin’ it like it was 1975. It was hilarious.
Well, it was until that dudette got up to karaoke to Patsy Cline. She started wailin’ about standing by her man and I just had to go have another drink. For real. That shit was painful to hear.
Luckily, when she was done some old dude got up to sing that Lee Greenwood song7, so Patsy was soon pushed out of my head8 by fantasies of stuffing a dog down dude’s gullet. It was a joyous moment. More Seagrams please!
Did I mention that we got there at 3pm? Yeah.
After a couple of laps around the picnic in the (line of people going around the room?) TheMan finally pulled me out. It was time to go. Bah! I was having a good time too. Oh well, he was smart. If we’d have stayed longer I would have gotten really plastered and then embarrassed myself either there or online. I’m good like that. 
After a couple of laps around the picnic in the (line of people going around the room?) TheMan finally pulled me out. It was time to go. Bah! I was having a good time too. Oh well, he was smart. If we’d have stayed longer I would have gotten really plastered and then embarrassed myself either there or online. I’m good like that.
We went to see his dad and stepmom and watched some “Bridezillas” with them. That was really funny while I was buzzed. I kept telling TheMan “See? You should be counting your blessings, Mister. I could have been like her!” Yeah. I said it more than once. The first time is funny, the sixth time is time to shut the fuck up. Ya know? What can I say? Anyway, we were having a good time laughing at the spoiled cows who were going to extremes- even though my father-in-law tried to say “They just edited to look like that. They’re not really like that”. Pfft. What a way to kill a good time, Pops!
Then I had a bright idea. “I want KFC and mashed potatoes!” TheMan looked at me sideways9 and then, oh-ho, his stomach growled. Mwahaha!! It was sooo loud. We all had a good laugh at that. Then it was time to go again. Unfortunately we didn’t get some damned mashed potatoes, but my buzz was waning so I didn’t care much. We stopped for a pre-made, wilted salad and then came home.
I was then forced to have a couple more beers, but we’ll pretend I’m stone cold sober. Don’t ask why. I won’t be able to tell you. Just humor me, ok?
I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.