Take My Phone, Please

I did something really stupid. Again. I’m always doing something really stupid but this is probably going to get me a blanket party thrown by both my girls. But… This is what I do when no one’s looking. I look at my life and think to myself “boy, how can I make this just a little bit more complicated (worse)?” Since I’m terrified of the joint I do my best not to break laws, so this wasn’t illegal. It just wasn’t smart at all. Can you guess what I did? Think really hard. I bet you can.

Let me end your torment. I emailed my ex. Yes, I did. Not texted. Not called. I emailed. Because why not. Then I deleted the sent email so I wouldn’t know I did it. I was drunk and my emotional side took over. That bitch.

This is something I sometimes do. I’ll send off an email or text that makes me shy, embarrassed or angry and then delete the evidence. I’m a child that way. I don’t want to re-embarrass myself. My drunk self has no sense at all. She’s insane (as evidenced by the videos I posted last Friday and then promptly deleted Saturday morning). At least the tequila makes me happy and sociable, I guess. No one tried to feed me whisky. I’d have probably called and cussed someone out in that case.

Anyway, I actually sent an apology. Just “I’m sorry I was evil. There’s no qualifications except I’m an evil bitch”. Basically. There was a bit more. I signed it “Regards, Jen”. No lie. Fucking formalities and shit. WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH MY MIND?

As I said I deleted the evidence from my sent folder1, so what am I going on about? GUESS. You’ve guessed, haven’t you?

That mofo emailed back. Not only that, but he was super sweet about it. GODDAMN IT ALL. “You’re a good woman. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” I mean, there was more, but that wasn’t the important part. I’m reading this and my eyeballs about flew out of my head. Damn it, Jennifer. Damn it all. It was all very civil actually. Honestly, I’d have expected him to cuss me out. But nope. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

And drunk emailing? Who does that? Me. That’s who. That’s how we communicated at the end. Strictly through email. My emotional bitch was fully aware of what she was doing. And now I’m cursing myself. How can I sabotage myself? Well, this is how.

  1. Must’ve been after going to the store for cigarettes, which I didn’t know I had until Saturday morning. []

It’s Been a Long Road

On the Saturday of my weekend in Georgia, my Twitter friends (now very much real life friends) and I sat around the fire and had a nice chat. None of us were drunk, but we were feeling pretty good. The weather was absolutely gorgeous the entire time I was there and the evening was no exception. I’m not sure how the conversation came up, but somehow we started talking about Gabriel. I’m very free with that story, because telling it is so important to me. I don’t offer the story anymore, though. I’ve run into way too many people who are uncomfortable with the discussion. These two wonderful people were not among the uncomfortable.

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Dreaming and Wishing and Reality Bites

I had some pretty vivid dreams last night. I woke up scratching my head. They weren’t what you’re thinking, though.

I dreamt that Sen. Sherrod Brown brought a posse of people to my house for a photo op. Except it wasn’t my house – it was a trailer. And I never did see Brown in my dream. I came out of the bedroom to a room full of people and zoomed in on someone in a chair. It was Sen. Tammy Duckworth. Of course, I swooned like any proper fangirl would do. I told a funny joke. She laughed, but one her aides got pissed. “That is highly inappropriate. She is a sitting U.S. Senator.” I didn’t feel the least bit ashamed and just told the aide she was a stick in the mud.

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M.I.N.E (End This Way)

Everybody hurts
Everybody bleeds
Everybody bends to fill a need
Everybody’s born with their own curse
And I’m not alone

Everybody cries
Everybody breathes
Everybody wants to feel they’re free
Deep inside I know what I am worth
A life of my own

It could have been much worse
But it should have been better

I know I’d hurt you, deserted you
And now I see it clear
I pulled you closer, tighter
‘Cause I knew you’d disappear

I just can’t compromise, apologize
There’s nothing you can say
We both knew
It would always end this way

Everybody pains
Everybody grieves
Everybody’s making off like thieves
Every soul’s aching for release
You’re not alone

Everybody lives
Everybody leaves
Everybody begs best on their knees
Everybody’s got the same disease
No one’s alone

It could have been much worse
But it should have been better

I know I’d hurt you, deserted you
And now I see it clear
I pulled you closer, tighter
‘Cause I knew you’d disappear

I just can’t compromise, apologize
There’s nothing you can say
We both knew
It’d always end this way

Knew it’d end this way
We knew it’d end this way

I know I’d hurt you, deserted you
And now I see it clear
I pulled you closer, tighter
‘Cause I knew you’d disappear

I just can’t compromise, apologize
There’s nothing you can say
We both knew
It would always end this way

We both know
It’d always end this way

We both knew
It would always end this way

Songwriters: Ivan Moody / Jason Thomas Grinstead / Jeremy Spencer Heyde / Kane Gregory Churko / Kevin Gregory Churko / Zoltan Bathory
M.I.N.E lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Cadium Music Publishing

Another Teenage Mom

Last night I found out my 16 year-old niece is pregnant. She put her ultrasound up on Instagram. She announced her “bean” will be here in December and her family helpfully congratulated her on her news. Congratulated her for becoming a teenage mother. Is no one explaining to that child what kind of life she can expect? How hard it will be for both her and the child? No. I can almost guarantee that no one will sit her down and talk to her about the new reality she is facing.

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Is Sex Evil? Nope.

I may have mentioned the CT’er1 that comes into my job. I like her generally, but she’s easy to get riled. I find that hilarious. The other day this fine lady told me that Podesta or Clinton or someone was a gasp follower of Aleister Crowley. She declared him evil because he practiced gasp sex magic.

Regardless of your feelings on Crowley (I have none either way), the idea that sex magic is EVUL™ just grates my cookies. Sex is evil? Well, it can be. That’s true. Men have used rape to subjugate women – and other men – forever. But overall? Sex is most assuredly not evil.

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  1. Conspiracy Theorist []

The Devil Went Down to Georgia

About a month and a half ago I was crying and asking my gods why the fuck don’t I get some good karma for once. I was sad and miserable and empty. I felt like my gods and ancestors were just playing with me for cruel shits and giggles. Like they were continually punishing for something I couldn’t fathom I did.

But I was so wrong. In fact, I am a very blessed person.

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“Not Meant to Be”

It’s never enough to say I’m sorry
It’s never enough to say I care
But I’m caught between what you wanted from me
And knowing that if I give that to you
I might just disappear

Nobody wins when everyone’s losing

It’s like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you’re always mad
And I, I can’t change your mind
I know it’s like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can’t give you what you want
And it’s killing me
And I, I’m starting to see
Maybe we’re not meant to be

It’s never enough to say I love you
No, it’s never enough to say I try
It’s hard to believe
That there’s no way out for you and me
And it seems to be the story of our lives

Nobody wins when everyone’s losing

It’s like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you’re always mad
And I, I can’t change your mind
I know it’s like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can’t give you what you want
And it’s killing me
And I, I’m starting to see
Maybe we’re not meant to be

There’s still time to turn this around
You could build this up instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking
Maybe it’s too late

It’s like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you’re always mad
And I, I can’t change your mind
I know it’s like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can’t give you what you want
And it’s killing me
And I, I’m starting to see
Maybe we’re not meant to be

It’s like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you’re always mad
And I, baby I’m sorry to see
Maybe we’re not meant to be

“Not Meant to Be” as written by David J. Brenner David Brenner

Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., BMG RIGHTS MANAGEMENT US, LLC

“Tomorrow”

I wrote some stuff below.

The sun’ll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There’ll be sun!

Just thinkin’ about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
‘Til there’s none!

When I’m stuck in a day
That’s gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh

The sun’ll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
‘Til tomorrow
Come what may

Tomorrow!
Tomorrow!
I love ya
Tomorrow!

You’re always
A day
A way!

Tomorrow!
Tomorrow!
I love ya
Tomorrow!

You’re always
A day
A way!

Tomorrow at this time I’ll be on a plane to Atlanta, Georgia. I’m really excited and nervous and a little bit extra nuts. Got my hair and nails did1. Got my bags packed. I’m ready, yo.

Yesterday was really stressful2 and I’m hoping that’s the end of whatever I have coming my way. It wasn’t so bad that I’m losing my shit, but it was close. There was some fun to be had at our regional meeting yesterday. I think the sirs caught wind of my romantic status. I seem to be giving off that “I’m totally single and you suck” vibe already. Mofos were busy stressing. And I’m pretty one of the big guys was flirting with me. I’m almost positive. I don’t want to sleep with him3 but it made me feel good.

That’s all from me today, folks. I’ve got a busy day today. That other post I was talking about is coming soon. It’s taking some time to get together. What the fuck am I thinking? I write my best stuff without thinking much about what I’m writing. This better be good.

Until then keep your eyes peeled for stories of antics from my trip.

  1. Actually did them myself, but who cares? []
  2. No, I don’t want to write about that particular incident. []
  3. Nooooooo []