Going it Alone

I took the trash out to the curb this morning and, for the first time, I only had to carry one can to the curb. This is the first time in 15 years that it’s just me taking care of a child. I mean, yes, I knew before, but I wasn’t the only adult in the house even after TheMan and I split up. I had my sister and everyone else who came over until Lucifer moved in. And even then we always had company. My family was making up for lost time, I think. Now that I was free they were free to be around me again. Then I had Lucifer with me and, well, everything that entailed.
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Never Assume I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

I have survived nearly 45 years on this ball of rock. I have managed to live through some insanity. Always chugging. Always learning. Always fucking up. I have birthed three children – one of which died. One of those children is married and has given me three grandchildren. I have been in therapy for far too long, read way too many books and nearly lost my life to violence way too many times. I have learned so much about myself and have come to dislike a lot of it. I’m changing some of it, but also embracing some of it. I have learned that my only weapon of self-defense against myself and others are my words. And with those words I will absolutely kick shins when the recipient deserves it. I wasn’t raised to turn all my cheeks while someone treats me like garbage. I will absolutely get down in the mud when the pigs have disrespected me enough.

My favorite thing is when someone decides I’m too young. “You should listen to your elders. They know better.” Motherfucker, I know better. If there is anything that you can guaran-fucking-tee is that I am well aware of what could become of some of the shit I write. That is why I do it. It’s purposeful. It’s selfish. And it’s something that I’m compelled to do with certain people. It’s how I soothe myself. The shins I kick deserve to be kicked. The glee I get from karmic justice is earned. I tried for 5 whole minutes to be the bigger person. Then my legs were kicked out from under me – a declaration of war, if you will. That’s when I watch and dance in the blood of the wounded. Yes, I do.

I love being infantilized. It’s my absolute favorite thing. Especially by a man. “Look, young whippersnapper, if you just listen to someone who doesn’t you then you’ll know that you’re just too not experienced enough to understand how life works.” Yes, please tell me all about. I’m all ears. Explain to me, as condescendingly as possible, what a woman of my age and experience is supposed to learn from you. How to end a fucktarded relationship? How to feel about people who stalk me getting their just rewards? How to be silently smug, instead of letting that motherfucker know that I know he done fucked up? Then choke. Because I’m not asking for permission. I’m not even doing it for the wider audience.

I’m doing it so he knows that I know. I am sending a message because these motherfuckers will eventually see it. I’m talking to them and they know it. I’m not asking for advice in this instance. I’m exclaiming to the world “THIS IS WHAT I’M DOING. AND I’M NOT SORRY.”

I will never be that kind of mature person. I tried that shit. It didn’t work out for me. I felt like I had no control over my own situation. I felt like I was letting people stomp me into oblivion. You see, I’m not the kind of person who won’t punch a Nazi because “that just looks bad”. I’m the kind of person who other people come to in an effort to expose the assholery of other people. Not just on this here blog, but on social media and in real life. I will do the dirty work, because it needs done.

In this instance, I’m being completely petty. Sure am. Again, I’m not sorry. If this mofo and his girls1 stay away from my online outlets – instead of going around blocks to stalk me – then they won’t even know I was laughing so hard. One of my first rules of online play is “Never go looking to get your feelings hurt”. They have a choice to block and delete. If they choose to come looking? Fuck them. They get what they came for.

  1. That includes the Bobblehead, by the way. []

I’m Sick of Pretending

I’d like to make a confession.

I am terrified right now. I know what I need to do to go forward. I know what’s required to survive. I used to be so resilient. I’d bounce back from anything the fates threw at me.

But there’s been too much bouncing. Too many times I’ve had to find the pieces of my shattered life and putting them back together.

There has been too much goddamned loss. There ate too many scars. There are too many pieces of me cut off. This last time was too much. I just knew deep in my soul that he lives me. But he didn’t. I was wrong again. And I broke my own heart.

Moving won’t bring any if what I’ve lost back. I will always be missing pieces. I will always have this hole in my middle. I’ve run before. Then I came back and lost even more. I’ve hurt myself beyond measure. The fates have taken my confidence. They’ve left me dangling in the wind. I’m not getting stronger here. I’m not finding what I’ve never had. I had it. And then it was gone. Poof!

I have a story to tell and it’s a long one, folks. I hope you read to the end, but I think you already know the end.

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What is Going on Here? Hint: Cougar Hunting

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve got profiles on some dating sites. I’ve been more active on them lately, which means I’m getting more traffic. Now, I’ve set an age range on my profiles. I don’t want to date young guys so I’ve made the limit 35-50. Anyone in that age range is acceptable to me. But here’s the thing: I keep getting messages from really young guys. These dudes are lying about their age in order to be able to message women my age. I had some idea of MILF hunters and I’ve joked that I’m a MILF. I didn’t think that seriously though. I mean, look at me, I’m short and my hair is weird. I expected to get messages from divorced guys, to be honest. Nope.

I’m mainly getting messages from guys younger than my age range. “I’m not really 42. I’m 25.” Shit like that. I had no idea so many guys were into women my age. I have a look about me, I guess. These mofos are pretty bold, too. Most of them are really respectful about it. But some of them are pretty aggressive. One guy told me I look just like his mother and that makes him hard. He asked me if I wanted to know why. I said “No, I don’t.” But he proceeded to tell me his mommy fantasy in great detail. Holy shitballs, that made my skin crawl. I laughed about it on Twitter, but it really was very, very creepy.

I don’t do that mommy shit. I don’t do the MILF thing either. Yes, I dated a man 20 years my junior, but I didn’t think of him like that. He was my man. These kids want to me to treat them like my children and I hate that. What the hell is going on with these guys? I’ve been chatting with one young dude1 and asked him why he was interested in older women. He said “more mature, no games and loyal honest and yes sexual experience is a plus”. I laughed. He has no idea who he’s talking to. I hate it when guys say they like honesty. None of them do. I’ve never met a man who truly likes honesty. And, yet, when a dude tells me that shit I will test him every single time.

When Lucifer and I first got together we agreed that we would completely honest with each other. And we also agreed that we could see other people. I told him what I don’t know won’t hurt me. And he said he wanted me to just be open and honest with him. When we got back together the final time he admitted to me that he got really jealous when he knew I was with someone else. He got really pissed when the pup would blow my phone up. He hated when I went on dates with other people. But he’d wanted me to be honest with him. So, I was honest with him. I told him all about it. I called him at the end of one date and told him all about it on my way home.

That was a bitch move, I know. But I had no idea that this was bothering him. I knew he was seeing other people. It was only fair, right? Anyway, he was a real trooper about it. He laughed at my the jokes I retold. He wanted to know if we made out. He was chatty and sounded like he was in a good mood. I remember I was really comfortable with the conversation because he sounded ok with everything. He told me later that he wanted to kill me the entire ride home2. I felt like that’s what he got for giving me permission to be an asshole. No, that’s not really fair to say. But that’s how I felt when he told me it hurt him. “That’s what you get, motherfucker.”

And how am I attracting all of these MILF hunters? Or cougar hunters, as one guy called himself:

I really don’t want to date a guy that young again. I made an exception for someone I thought was really special and that was obviously a mistake. I don’t want to go through all of that again. And I certainly don’t want to be some mommy fetish. That’s just so much ewwww.

Lil’lady says I shouldn’t date right now… because my future ex-boyfriend lives in Georgia. I about pissed my pants when she said that. She was so adamant about it. Based on what’s going on in this dating app she doesn’t have to worry about me falling in love with some asshole who convinces me to stay. Hahaha. Yeah, that shit’s not popping off again. I want to have fun, but I don’t want to be in love. Which means I’ll probably be pulling some bitch moves.

I’m looking forward to it.

  1. Wtf? I’m so stupid. []
  2. He was actually driving his car and was on his way home from seeing his baby’s mom. []

Jealous Boyfriends and the Stories I Tell

I’ve been writing a book. Well, ok, not recently. But I’ve gotten quite a bit of this book done – 89,000 words. Then I met Lucifer and, well, I stopped writing it. I was going to start up again, but my dumbass gave a good portion to the pup to read and that did not go well.

What was his complaint regarding what I’d given him? Well, for one, he seemed to think that it was a erotica about the UPS driver at work. Nooo. The one character he could’ve gotten that vibe has dark hair, dark eyes and sings popera. The guy the pup was so worried about is blonde with blue eyes and, I’m pretty sure, can’t sing. Words mean things.

Quite frankly, I was really into Josh Groban and David Tennant at the time and, well, combined the two in my sex-starved1 brain. But I never even wrote any sex scenes that could’ve been misinterpreted by anyone other than a pup with low self-esteem and a really terrible best friend.
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  1. At the time. []

Back When I was Blonde

So, I was browsing through my photos and what do I come across?

Me with blonde hair! Actually, I’m in a wig, but whatever. I was still cute even at the ripe old age of 43 (which was when this was taken). I like my hair darker because it makes me look all sultry1. I’m all sorts of versatile.

Oh, the memories.

JJ with Blonde Hair
Blonde JJ
  1. Or as Lucifer’s Horseface said once “like a Mexican Gangsta Whore”. Ha! []

“We Can’t Be Friends”

To just act like we never were
To come around and not show hurt
How dare we greet by shaking hands
Just months ago I was your man

Verbally we agreed
It was over and we were through
I’m trying to compose myself
But I just can’t get over you girl

We can’t be friends
We can’t be friends
We can’t be friends
‘Cause I’m still in love with you

I went by Mother’s, saw your car there
To her you’re still family, and it don’t seem fair
For everyone to just go on
And I’ve tried and I can’t do it
‘Cause I’m still torn
I’ve tried to think of you
As just another love in my past
That didn’t last
But it’s not that simple baby


You may see me staring
Or catch me in a daze
May see me hang my head
When you come my way
Don’t get too close to me
And expect me to behave
I might just steal a kiss
If you come near my face
What I’m trying to say


Ghosts are Bothering Me

Lil’lady and I are by ourselves now. No more roommates. No live-in boyfriends. No one to hide my stuff from. Today my plan is to move things I’ve been storing in my room to another room, bring a cabinet downstairs, and generally get used to living just the two of us. This is the first time in her life that is has been just the two of us. So, what’d she do yesterday? Locked us out. Oh, gotta love it. Anyway, it’s going to take a bit more adjusting to get used to this, but… We’ll be moving again soon. I’m not staying in this house when I don’t need those extra rooms. I want to move away from Ohio, to be honest, but that’s probably not going to pop off anytime soon. I will move from this gods-awful town, though. Rest assured about that. I don’t need to be reminded of everything I’ve lost while I’ve been here. Not anymore. There’s no point to it.

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