Now That We’re Through with The Crap

I’m currently pretending that psychos aren’t stalking and threatening me because I won a debate. Ok, well, not currently. But yesterday and today I had a BLAST out in the real world.

Yesterday we went to a picnic. This one was family oriented1 so we took the chillins. OMG, Lil’lady was hilarious. Now that she’s reached the ripe old age of (three plus one— shh!) she does a whole lot of talking. Since there were 200-300 people there, she had a lot of people to talk to. The funniest, though, was when she went up to a little Amish girl and told her:
“When our electricity goes out we’re going to be Amish and my mommy’s going to make me a blue dress.”

Yesterday we went to a picnic. This one was family oriented1 so we took the chillins. OMG, Lil’lady was hilarious. Now that she’s reached the ripe old age of (three plus one— shh!) she does a whole lot of talking. Since there were 200-300 people there, she had a lot of people to talk to. The funniest, though, was when she went up to a little Amish girl and told her:
“When our electricity goes out we’re going to be Amish and my mommy’s going to make me a blue dress.”

Holy shitballs! Oops.

A little history for this hilarity:
A couple of weeks ago our electric went out for a few hours. Lil’lady, being the rather timid creature that she is, insisted that we light some candles and go sit on the front porch. Apparently she believes that we must retreat to the outdoors whenever the power goes out2. So, we’re sitting on the front porch and listening to the drunk neighbors across the street. It was rather peaceful (regardless) and Lil’lady asked me to tell her a story. Not very good at fiction, I started regaling her with tales from my youth. One story that stuck out to her was when I stayed with my cousins in the summer.

My cousins lived in a small town smack-dab in the middle of Amish Country (Ohio for those of you gathering information). A really nice Amish family lived on a farm at the bottom of my cousins’ hill. They had a little girl named Mardella. Mardella and I got to be really good friends3 and I was able to go inside her home, ride in the family buggy, was invited to dinner and helped tend the horses. My experiences with Mardella and her family made for great memories and I shared some of those with Lil’lady.

Lil’lady, of course, didn’t understand why the Amish are different. So I explained that they don’t have electricity, televisions, telephones, cars, etc. Of course, that led to more questions as she is (three plus one) and more stories and more… Well, you know how kids her age can be.

Something about that conversation must have stuck in her head, because she was completely enthralled by the Amish folks at the picnic and couldn’t wait to make a new friend. Little did she know that her enthusiasm would cause her poor, dear mother much embarrassment. Later we discussed why we weren’t going to become Amish- but after we took a ride in an Amish buggy.

Today was a 21 and over which meant Al Kee Hall was going to be there. Woo-hoo! I was excited to be going where no children could follow. It’s been a while since I was able to escape the confines of motherhood joyous sound of my children. This was especially nice because they had an open bar with two kegs and lots of Seagram’s4. So, TheMan and I had our required hotdog then went straight for Al.

Of course, I couldn’t remember if it was “Beer before liquor never sicker” or “Liquor before beer never sicker” so I had a beer first. Then I said fuck it and went for the hard stuff. But not too much. Just enough to…

Get my ass shakin’ on the dance floor! WOOT! We were boot scootin’ and booty callin’ and it was suh-weet. It’s been a long time since I went dancing5 and I was loving it. There weren’t very many women as young as me6 which should tell you something, but those ladies could get down. No lie. They were shakin’ it like it was 1975. It was hilarious.

Well, it was until that dudette got up to karaoke to Patsy Cline. She started wailin’ about standing by her man and I just had to go have another drink. For real. That shit was painful to hear.

Luckily, when she was done some old dude got up to sing that Lee Greenwood song7, so Patsy was soon pushed out of my head8 by fantasies of stuffing a dog down dude’s gullet. It was a joyous moment. More Seagrams please!

Did I mention that we got there at 3pm? Yeah.

After a couple of laps around the picnic in the (line of people going around the room?) TheMan finally pulled me out. It was time to go. Bah! I was having a good time too. Oh well, he was smart. If we’d have stayed longer I would have gotten really plastered and then embarrassed myself either there or online. I’m good like that. ;)

After a couple of laps around the picnic in the (line of people going around the room?) TheMan finally pulled me out. It was time to go. Bah! I was having a good time too. Oh well, he was smart. If we’d have stayed longer I would have gotten really plastered and then embarrassed myself either there or online. I’m good like that. ;)

We went to see his dad and stepmom and watched some “Bridezillas” with them. That was really funny while I was buzzed. I kept telling TheMan “See? You should be counting your blessings, Mister. I could have been like her!” Yeah. I said it more than once. The first time is funny, the sixth time is time to shut the fuck up. Ya know? What can I say? Anyway, we were having a good time laughing at the spoiled cows who were going to extremes- even though my father-in-law tried to say “They just edited to look like that. They’re not really like that”. Pfft. What a way to kill a good time, Pops!

Then I had a bright idea. “I want KFC and mashed potatoes!” TheMan looked at me sideways9 and then, oh-ho, his stomach growled. Mwahaha!! It was sooo loud. We all had a good laugh at that. Then it was time to go again. Unfortunately we didn’t get some damned mashed potatoes, but my buzz was waning so I didn’t care much. We stopped for a pre-made, wilted salad and then came home.

I was then forced to have a couple more beers, but we’ll pretend I’m stone cold sober. Don’t ask why. I won’t be able to tell you. Just humor me, ok?

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

%d bloggers like this: