Maybe but Maybe Not

I said somewhere else that I’m back on the dating sites and that it’s fun. That somewhere else was on this blog, but I can’t be arsed to look up which post. Anyway, I’ve been “shopping” for a few days now. And… oh my gods.

Ok, firstly, I adjusted all of my profiles1 to indicate that I’m not interested in anyone that is in a relationship2 or is regularly sleeping with their child/ren’s mother(s). Lordy, but I can’t deal with that baby’s mama drama a third time

I also put in that I’m not adverse to young men3. One young guy asked me “are you a cougar on a hunt?” I had to laugh. Not really. But I don’t think it was our age difference that doomed Sam and me, so I’m not going to reject someone for that. Though I probably should put 28 so they’re at least older than my daughter. Heh. Right. To be honest, I probably will never date anyone that young again, but you never know.

Anyway, what do I get today?

invitation to become a mistress
He already knew my answer. hahaha

This basically says that he’s married, which is why I will probably (definitely) ignore him, but he just had to try because I’m so fucking awesome and fate. Blah blah blah.

He’s got a wife. I don’t care about all that other nonsense4. I don’t care about the compliments. Yes, my profile is interesting. Yes, I put up nice pictures. Derp. I’m a product on the shelves of online dating too. My profile is very clear, though. I’m not there for hookups and I don’t want anyone who is still romantically involved with anyone else. I am better than that. I’m more than a side chick.

I actually get offended by this shit. Do I look like a mistress? I mean, I know he probably is sending that same message to every chick he sees5, but dang. He’s not the only one in his situation who has messaged me. I screenshot and share on Twitter sometimes. If I don’t block them before6. Even if I do look like I’d jump on the side bitch train, my actual profile tells a whole other story.

I said on Twitter: It’s like going to the grocery when I’m not hungry. I know I need something, but I don’t want anything. I don’t think I’m being picky7, but I don’t really want to respond to any of them. There are a surprising number of not-bad looking men who’ve moved to my town, but I don’t even want to try. Not really. It was a fun hobby. Before…

Before I fell in love with Lucifer this was a fun game. It was fun to talk to guys and go out on dates8. I liked the attention and just getting to go new places. I always accepted dates from men in NorthEast Ohio – Cleveland and surrounding areas. Going out up there is a lot of fun. Folks in Lakewood are amazingly friendly and accepting. I have never had a really bad time up there9. I was expecting to just say “yes” to drinks this weekend. Or Skyping someone. I don’t know. Whatever I did before Lucifer. I was a total flirt and totally confident in what I needed and deserved.

It’s not like that anymore. He ruined it. They both ruined it. Now I wonder “what if I start falling in love again?” or “what if I can never fall in love again and I have to look forward to is meaningless old people sex?” I know I’m not going to fall in love on the first date. C’mon now. But I don’t know if I even want to try to find out anymore. I’m bad at this shit and now I’m kind of afraid of it.

I wish I was one of those women who just jumped from man to man with abandon. I mean, I was one of those women back between Bobby and TheMan. I spent almost 7 years basically using my magical powers to get guys to like me so I could break their hearts1011. I’m not like that anymore. Not because it’s not possible. Holy shitballs, it’s totally possible. Call me vain, but there are plenty of men who would love to fuck Sam’s memory right out of my head. I wish I could do it. I know that I’d be done with this emotional shit very quickly.

Except now I think that’s gross. Just thinking about it kind of makes my skin crawl. I’m sex positive – and I like it – but the idea of just going from dude to dude to make myself feel better is nasty to me. So, does that mean I’ll have to kind of commit to a new person if I sleep with them? Or can I sleep with them and then just go about my business? Will I hurt someone else? I don’t want to do that either. Now I’m conflicted. So, I don’t do anything one way or the other. My brain has been rewired. And that sucks big donkey balls.

I should just wait until I move to even try. I don’t want to be stuck in this town for any more time than I have to be. This is a soul-sucking shithole of a town. Of course, I could be missing out on the man who will finally sweep me off my feet and get me out of here. That’s probably exactly what’s going to happen12.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. You thought I was on just one? Silly rabbit. []
  2. These guys are usually trying to get a third, but I’m not down. []
  3. Older than 25 now. []
  4. Though I do like that he spells actual words and has a general grasp of grammar. []
  5. Hoping someone will shrug and be ok with his nonsense. []
  6. Which I do because some of them are so offensive. And I’ve been on the one website so long I’m a freaking moderator. []
  7. Though I am absolutely being superficial at this point. I’m trying to find a rebound. OK? []
  8. There wasn’t much sex involved, people. []
  9. Not counting the fireman. He was fun for about 10 minutes. []
  10. That is no lie. I went into what I thought was “man mode” and considered love a weakness. []
  11. I broke Sam’s heart, I think. []
  12. Hence “Jinx” []
%d bloggers like this: