Luckily for Me

I’ll finally be in Georgia this Friday. Lil’lady and I are flying down. I’m so excited to meet my friend and, to be honest, going on a plane. I’ve never been on an airplane before so this is a super treat for me. Lil’lady is going to help me navigate the fun as she’s flown a bunch of times with Millie. She’s actually more worried about meeting Lars’s kids. They’re older than her, but his youngest isn’t that much older. Plus she’s happy as a lark that she won’t be the only kid there with a bunch of drunk Twitter weirdos.

She’s been staying at her grandmother’s in an effort to get a couple of new outfits. Since she’ll be going to D.C. the following week Millie was more than happy to oblige. I don’t know what Lil’lady tells her, but Millie will throw a huge tantrum then take her to Canton. I wish I could do that. “Please adopt me, Millie.” Except there are times when I want to throat punch her and that would never help my case1.

Last night I was hanging with my friend. There wasn’t much talk of shoes this time – thank the gods. The shoe guy has an adorable Shar Pei/ Pit Bull mix. This dog looks like he would bite your face off in a heartbeat, but he’s the sweetest dog. Now that I’ve been over there a few times the dog has decided he loves me2. He brings me this floppy, gross little stuffed animal and my job is to play tug o’ war. Yeah, that’s real fun. I pull that dog left, right, up and down. He growls and shakes and doesn’t let go. Then I laugh because he’s so cute, he gets distracted by my laugh and then I throw the toy. Then we do it again. Then when it’s time to leave he very gently grabs my fingers in his mouth and tries to keep me there.

While these guys were talking about stuff I wasn’t the least bit interested in I just played with the dog. Then I hear my name and look up. My friend is offering me something I really don’t want and now I’m irritated. He knows better.

Let me back up here. I have never in my life done any illegal drugs harder than pot or shrooms3. I’ve been around them my entire life, though. When I was young The Mother was involved in a biker gang. Then we moved away from Columbus and my uncle was involved in some stuff. When we moved here I was a teenager. My siblings and I partied a lot. I smoked pot and drank back then. There was two teenage dance clubs here and we were always taking alcohol with us. Then I met my Colombian – my first love and orgasm. He was a runner and I was involved. Everyone I knew was taking, smoking or drinking something. It’s how we coped. My group of friends was wild. I saw too much when I was with the Colombian, so it was easy for me to say no. And, mostly, people respected that. There wasn’t much peer pressure for me4 And I never thought much about any of it. It was normal for me. Except for crack, meth and/or heroin. None of us did that shit5. I did have a good friend who sold some shit, but I think he’s in the joint now.

In my 20s I still hung out with these types of people. After Bobby and I broke up, I took to drinking on the weekends. That was my drug of choice while I was living away. I drank way too much and got into way too much trouble. Not the kind of trouble that landed me in prison6, but I spent a week in the county. That was enough for me.

TheMan never did anything more than alcohol. He’d never even tried pot. That’s how straight-laced he was.

Lucifer was into some shit. I didn’t know it until later, because no one thought anything of it. I didn’t really care. Like I said, I grew up around all kinds of nonsense. He had a few addictions, but all I was worried about was the amount of money it took to support a habit. He was absolutely clean for a couple of months while we were together. Then one night we went to a strip club7 and that all changed. I didn’t even think about it when we were there8, but that was the beginning of the end. My dog woke me up at 6am the next morning and there he was – wide awake, pacing and looking crazy. He hadn’t gone to bed and I’m pretty sure he left while I was asleep9.

Then there was Sam.

The only time I was tempted to do anything hard was a day Lucifer and I were at war. I wanted to be numb and Lucifer had said that he liked some stuff because it took away all his emotions. I asked Sam to get me some and I’d pay. His bobble-headed friend went to find some. That’s the time Sam drove me around for 2 hours in an effort to convince me this was a really bad idea. I see now I was doomed anyway, but at the time I was very touched. I didn’t do it. That’s when I found out about his addictions. Anyway, good for him for talking me out of it. That night would have been bad, bad, and more bad10.

So, back to now. I still have no issues with drug use. I’m not at all tempted. Between these last two relationships I’ve decided that I don’t want anyone that does that sort of stuff. But my friends can do whatever they want – they’re grown. My friend is showing me something blue. I noted that two of them were different color blues.

“Want this?” He was looking at me like he was offering me a steak or something. What the ever loving fuck?

“You know I don’t do that shit.” I was irritated. “Do I look like I do that?” He thought that was funny. I’m 44 years old and there are women in their 30s who look like they could’ve birthed me. Nope. He gave his friend a few and then we left. His friend was so happy because he was going to take one and go straight to sleep. Pills. Fuck that noise. I take enough legally. Besides, I know someone who was strung out on those and I heard horror stories about that one.

We had another interesting conversation on the way home. He doesn’t talk like that around his friends. Around his friends he’s always joking and being stupid. I know why and it makes me sad. Why’d he even come back to this hell hole?

He apologized for trying to give those to me, but he was impressed that I didn’t feel the need to accept. I laughed at him. Nothing harder than weed, please. I like to claim that I don’t do it because I don’t want to age prematurely11, but really I know myself. I would probably become an addict. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to resort to selling my stuff to get high or begging for it or fucking for it or smoking ashes to get just a bit. I don’t want that stuff to make me degrade myself for some stupid shit. I’ve seen too many people do some messed up things for their fix. And I don’t want to be like that. End of story. I don’t like to tell users that for obvious reasons, but I just don’t want to be like them.

He said he respected that. He said he’d just offered it to me out of courtesy. Yes, sharing happens all the time. Users can be very generous – unless they’re scraping bowls for resin or something12. I told him he’d offered me something boring. I can take an ambien and go straight to sleep. I said I could probably use those when I’m in a panic or something, but I’ve even refused a prescription from my doctor for that shit. The stories I’ve heard… Nope. I’m a fucking nutter, but that shit would not make me better. I take too many medications anyway.

That’s another deal breaker for me now. I’ve given too many fucktards chances13 and have ultimately lost more of my mind in the process. I have more stories, but I choose to not share those. Suffice it to say I lost a lot of respect for a friend when I saw him scraping those bowls. It was so sad. Not this friend, by the way. This one is a nice guy, but not going to be my guy. Anyway, I don’t want to be a babysitter for that kind of thing. I want to be with a guy that is 420 friendly, but that’s the end of it. I like my friend a lot, but I’ve made up my mind now. I’m not going to lie, though. I was tempted. I’m always tempted. Thank the gods my logic and emotion agree on this. I want to be numb. But I was a better kind of numb when I was with TheMan. That shit lasted for years.

Does that make me a snob? Nope. I know that I would become a statistic and, like Sam said, I’ve gone my entire life without doing that shit, why start now? I don’t want to be enmeshed in that lifestyle either. Not again. There’s a certain amount of peace that comes with being boring. This peace is a lot stronger and more effective than that crap14. I’ve seen too much misery. I’ve lived through too much.

My friends make their own decisions. They live the way they want to live. I choose a different path. Not because I’m better than they are. I’ve got my own addictions and demons, thanks. It’s because I don’t want to add to my misery. Plain and simple. No medication is going to fix me, but there are some that will make this oh-so much worse. I don’t really need to have those sort of adventures. And I’d rather learn how to deal with this shit inside my head without medicating it away. That’s on me. And, luckily for me, no one has ever tried to pressure me to do otherwise.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. She does help us more than her son, though. Gotta give her that much credit. She loves Lil’lady something fierce. []
  2. I’m a Disney Princess, people. []
  3. I did those one time. []
  4. My boyfriends, for example, never even tried to give me anything harder than pot. They didn’t even want me to try it. They didn’t want me to end up strung out. I was lucky apparently. []
  5. I’m not sure we had meth back then, but I know I’ve never done it. []
  6. Never been, thank you. []
  7. That’s a funny story, actually. He thought I was too much of a lady to be comfortable there. []
  8. Because it’s been 15 years since I’ve been around that scene. []
  9. He told me about it later. “It was the drugs, Jen. I didn’t know what I was doing. I’m sorry I treated you like that.” Fuck off. []
  10. I was talking Lucifer into hanging out with us and babysitting me. He was anxious to meet Sam because he hated that I spent time with him. “I’ll stick my hand up his ass and use him as a puppet.” []
  11. I don’t look my age, sweets. []
  12. That’s a whole other story. []
  13. Two, actually. That’s too many. Before Lucifer I had never dated an addict. I broke a lot of personal rules because someone told me I was too picky. []
  14. Well, my Lyrica helps. That’s very strong and very expensive. But I use it to function – not to get high. []
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