A helluva lot has changed in the past year. So much. Of course, it’s not a whole lot to people who don’t live my life, but still…
I’m finally in my new house and I really like it. I don’t like the fact that it’s not mine but I like how cozy and bright it is. My family loves it. We’re doing ok here so far1. It’s smaller than my old house in only one aspect, but it seems so much bigger.
We have a new cat. His name is Mews. Lil’lady named him after a cat on “Stranger Things 2”. It surprisingly fits him. He’s a beggar cat and cries for whatever you’re eating. Will he eat it if you offer? That’s up in the air. He’s particular and only cares if you pay him attention. He’s an orange tabby with a huge circle on his side. And he’s fun. Spooky Jim tries to hump him on a regular basis.
Aside: Why does my little dog prefer the love of male cats? It’s so strange.
I have a new dude. I’ve known him for a while and maybe I’ll tell you who he is eventually. But for now we’re just getting used to each other romantically. He’s very different from the ex-husband and ex-boyfriend in that he isreally into me. I like that. A lot. I need it right now. And I’m starting to feel a certain way toward him as well. Not the way I felt about MyDude, but that motherfucker worked my head and I was in a bad spot when we were together. This new one sometimes asks about MyDude. I don’t like to talk about him at all. But he says “I don’t give a fuck about the husband. He’s inconsequential. The other guy though… Fuck him.” Then he asks about our relationship. I shut that shit down with a quickness. I don’t want to tell him how I felt for MyDude or what he looks like or why we broke up. I don’t want to talk about any of it with him. Mostly because I don’t feel for him that same way. I don’t feel that intensity for him. I just enjoy his company and if he decided to stop talking to me today it wouldn’t bother me in the least. I don’t want him to know that, because it would probably break his heart. He loves me. I know it and have known it for a months. I decided to give it a go after I’d moved and begun this new chapter of my life. I’m not ready to invest too much in him yet. I have a bad picker, according to my friend. So, I’m just enjoying the now with this guy. He’s very sweet, attentive and understanding. And he makes me laugh so much. I wish I’d have given him the chance instead of the that demon, MyDude. Pffft. Live and learn, I guess. So far, I’m happy with him. I’m happy to let him spoil me. When he leaves I’ll still have that.
My family is coming back into my life – slowly but surely. I’m close with my sister and aunt again. I’m open to hanging out and having coffee. There isn’t a rude man at my back making everyone uncomfortable anymore. Of course, they all tell me now that they couldn’t stand him and that he made everything awkward. I have no idea if they’re serious about that, but it annoys the shit out of me if it’s true. He isolated me, sure, but they didn’t make an effort. I didn’t make an effort because they didn’t. It was a fucked up cycle and now everyone is all “well, it’s TheMan’s fault”. Shut all the way up. It was a team effort. 100% of those people thought I was a major fuckup before I got married and none of them even bothered to tell me when my mother had her first stroke, when my great-grandmother was in a nursing home, when my cousin came back for a visit from Germany, let me know there was a family get-together with an aunt I hadn’t seen in years…etc and so on. They didn’t include me before or during my marriage. But now I’m older and seem to have my shit together. They like that. Or they’re just older and realize that maybe – just maybe – I’m not a bad person. But I have more.
I have a sister from my father that I haven’t seen since she was a baby. She’s about 10 years younger than I am. We’ve lived in the same town for years, but have never made contact. I’m the bad sheep, you see, and everyone likes to tell everyone else how terrible I am. People sometimes are genuinely surprised that I’m not a devil spawn when they get around to meeting me. It visibly throws them off. I’ve been very aware of that for years and would rather avoid that whole getting to know a random family member. At any rate, she contacted me last night. Just out of the blue. She says “My mom and I used to see you when you worked at this place. My name is [redacted].” Well, of course, I knew her name as soon as I saw it pop up in messenger. I didn’t know she was my sister until then, though. I am fucking floored. We exchanged some boring pleasantries and promised each other we’d get together for coffee. She’s got 3 absolutely gorgeous girls who have never met me. She comes from the conservative side of the family2 and they’ve all basically disowned me because I had a black child. At any rate, there are a million reasons why we’ve never connected. Not a single one of them good. And I don’t know if we can have a good relationship now because I am who I am and I refuse to change ever again. I’m wild, cuss too much and am not afraid of being proud of my LGBT child. This makes a lot of people in my area very uneasy. I think that will pose a problem for her. She’s not used to wild things like me. I would have watered myself down a year ago. I won’t do that now. I do want to get to know her, though. I’m very excited. She’s my sister. It’s crazy how this all happened. At least I won’t die without knowing her and her kids at least a little bit.
My ex- mother-in-law has determined that she’d rather have a relationship with me than with her own son. How insane is that? Millie and I have never in all these years seen eye-to-eye, but she wants to help and get me back on my feet. She’s all about making sure Lil’lady and I are ok. She says her son is a dirtbag like his dad. I LOL. WTF is actually going on here? It makes zero sense to me. I don’t trust her, but am accepting her as she comes. I’m not harboring ill-will toward her anymore. Our lives have both been upended recently. I think that’s sort of created an awkward bond. I’m too old to hold a grudge3 so here we are. How crazy is that? I’m lucky I think. Very lucky.
I don’t really have anything to complain about and I’m not really. I mention the past and the hard feelings because it explains the weirdness of right now. I don’t know how to handle people actually giving a fuck about me. I’m overwhelmed. It feels nice, but I’m still waiting for it to all be snatched away. I’m cautious, but feeling good. Maybe – just maybe– things will actually work out for me for once. Maybe I can get through this without sabotaging everything. I have never wanted anything more than this right now. It’s nice.
I’ll eventually fix my damned database and get those old posts back up. I’m planning on participating in NaNoWriMo this year and part of that (regardless of the rules) is going to be me taking up blogging again.