When MyDude and I were still living together I would do his laundry with mine. It made sense, so why not? At one point he got really pissed at me for doing it. He said “I know you were probably trained to do that but I can do my own laundry.” It seems like a silly thing to remember, but I found myself thinking about it when I was with a friend the other day.
I have worked with the public since I was able to get my first job. I was trained to be observant and to do my job silently before someone needed something. The glass is empty? Bring the refill without being asked. Someone dropped something? Pick it up for them without being asked. Impress people by seeing what they need before they realize they need it. I’m good at that because I’ve been doing it my entire life.
And, yes, it creeps into my personal life. You have dirty clothes right there and I’m doing laundry? In they go. You need a place to sit? Have my seat. You’re hungry? Eat before me, even if you don’t leave enough for me. I’m good with that. I don’t even think about doing it, really. Well, I haven’t before recently. Not even when Andrew said it that one time. I’m trained, yes. But not by TheMan. TheMan just benefited from something I was already conditioned to do.
My counselor is trying to get me to stop being so conciliatory. Now, I seem like the biggest bitch in my section of BFE. Maybe that’s true. But I will bend over backwards and sideways to do for the people I care about. And this has caused an avalanche of problems for me. I find myself being taken advantage of all the time. Especially by close family members. They know I can’t say no. So, I’m working on that. I’m being very conscious of boundaries. Saying no. It really pisses people off. My people are angry with me, not speaking to me and… Because I say no now and I’m firm. And people in my life don’t know how to handle that.
They wanted me to be me again. But they didn’t want my servitude to change. I’m a pushover. I want everyone to be happy. I want to see people smile. I want them to know they can depend on me. They want me available to them whenever they need something. Now I’m not always available. Now I’m a bitch. Now I’m selfish. Now I’m worthless.
It’s frustrating. This is a huge turning point in my life and most of my problems now are because I’ve done too much for people when I needed help my damned self. Now I’m saying no. And I feel guilty for doing it. Though it does kind of feel better that I don’t have that extra weight on my shoulders. Sure, none of them will help me move, but that’s ok. I’ll figure it out.
I did some research to see what my psychosis is. I’ve decided that I don’t have one or if I do then it’s a manageable one. I want to please people. I want them to be happy with me, to make them laugh, to give them good memories. I don’t want to see anyone suffer and would rather take that burden on myself than see someone else go through it. I don’t want to see someone cry or be afraid or frustrated. Let me carry that burden for you. I’m used to it, right? Give it to me. And they do. Then I get pissed. Because I’m an asshole. Is that a psychosis?
I have an issue with boundaries and now that I’m setting them it’s causing even more problems. MyDude thought I was properly “trained” by TheMan. I was to a certain degree1. He was amazed that I would do anything for him and it pissed him off. He thought I was doing it so that he would be in my debt. That’s not true at all. I just wanted to make him happy – I want to make everyone in my life happy if I can. That’s a bad thing the way I do it. Everyone in my life is pissed at me and I’m over here shrugging. Oh well, my people, this is the me everyone missed. Welcome back, JJ.
- TheMan was surprisingly controlling and I was a willing victim. [↩]