I’m Ready, but My Brain is Not


He told me once that he liked that I express myself through music. We were fighting at the time and I’d sent him some songs to express my feelings about it.  After that he sent me songs too. The songs he sent me were things like “Snuff” from Slipknot. Mostly warnings to me – don’t love me because I don’t love you.

Sometimes he’d tell me to listen to a particular love song. I could never tell, though, if it was for me or if he was thinking of someone else. The music both soothed and tormented me. I shared with him was my attempt to tell him what was going on in  my head.  I texted and spoke, too, but he really seemed receptive to the music. I don’t believe he thought of me when he listened to it, but I was pretty delusional throughout our relationship.

Listening to any of it now reminds me of him. That pisses me off to no end. Get out of my head already. Fuck, every part of my life was inflected. And it still hurts. I’m ready for my brain to stop seeing him everywhere. He doesn’t think of me at all – this was all easy for him. It’s time to let it go.

I’ve met a lot of guys through Facebook recently. They’re like vultures vying over the rotting corpse that was the lovable me. They friend request me and I’ve started to accept a requests1 and most of them are from men looking to get laid. They’ll message me some fucktarded ice breaker and I’ll block them from messenger. But sometimes they seem interesting and we chat.

I met up with one guy for a couple of beers, but it wasn’t a date. There was a whole group of people there and I was the new addition. It was fun that night. So I agreed to meet up again 2 nights ago. There were fewer people there, but I still had fun. He’s an interesting person and his friends are funny. I bought my own beer and refused the drink he bought for me. I didn’t want a date vibe. When it was time to go I let him drive me home2. When we got to my driveway I let him kiss me.

And he lit me up. He was very, very good at it. I stopped it when his hand went i to my bra. No, none of that. Not yet. I was done for the night. It was too much. I felt like I was cheating.

I told him goodnight and he was a complete gentleman about it. Later he texted and asked if he could come back. He told me what he wanted to do to me and I was so tempted. Instead I put my phone away and went to sleep. In the morning I replied that I’d fallen asleep but wouldn’t have let him come.over anyway. He said he liked that.

I tried to imagine what it would be like to finally expunge MyDude from my brain. I could just replace him with this other guy. Then I decided that was a bad plan. How is that fair to this guy? He’s probably a decent person and I was thinking about how he could be used to get another man out of my head. It’s a bad idea thought up by a fucked up brain. So when he asked to hang out last night I refused. I’m no good for any of that right now. I’m not in a place to engage in any of that.

Not to mention I fully intend to move away the second my house sells. I have no intention of staying in this town for anyone. And this guy is a lifer. He won’t move. So what would be the point?

I’m listening to music right now and my head is starting to hurt again. The easiest way to get over one man is to get under another, right? How’s that work when I don’t want to do any of that right now? Fuck my brain and fuck MyDude. Fuck all of this. I’m ready to be done. So wby can’t I be?

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. I’ve made my Facebook public, because why the fuck not? Let the haters see. Let him see. []
  2. I walked to the bar. []
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