I Question Everything

You made me question everything about myself

Before I met Lucifer I was a pretty spiritual person. I believed in my intuition. And I thought I could read people very well. Before Lucifer I was sure of certain things. I had a certain amount of confidence – even after everything TheMan did.

I used to be able to spot someone like Lucifer a mile away. Normally, I never would have given him more time than it took to have a night’s worth of fun. And that’s how I originally intended it to be. He actually convinced me to come back again. He talked me into wanting to see him. And then his life imploded. I got sucked in.

I thought there was a purpose to everything happening the way it did. I believed the gods were trying me. It was supposed to be Lucifer and me. They were forcing us together. He needed me – so it was obvious to me what purpose I served in his life. But I never figured out why he was in my life. This was a two-way street, right?

And I knew what he was doing at some point. I think when he let his baby’s mother call me. Then he begged me to take him back. I knew why then. Intellectually I knew what he was doing. But I let him anyway. I thought he loved me back in some weird way and there was a fucking reason for all this chaos. There had to be.

Why would I continue to let him use me like that if I wasn’t broken? He would tell me he loved me then two days later deny he loved me at all. He would tell me I made him the happiest he’d ever been then turn around and scream at me that I was trying to trap him with me. Was I? Why would I ever put up with any of that if I wasn’t completely bonkers?

That’s what he does. It’s how he operates and I fell for all of it. So now I am trying to put myself back together and can no longer pretend. I can’t imagine that I’ve ever been anything but a dupe. Except there was a time – before TheMan and Lucifer – that I would’ve walked away from after the first night. I lost that part of me somewhere. I need to find that again. I don’t want there to be a second Lucifer. And so I’ll be alone until I get myself back together. I question everything I know now. He took advantage of that and I let him. There was nothing healthy about that. So now I heal.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

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