I made a decision

Yesterday I legally became single again. And I have taken back my name. No more Mrs. TheMan. Good riddance.

I did have a little bit of a mourning period. I went out into my grove and cursed my gods. I asked them to just leave me alone. I’m sick of their interference. I cried and swore and sat at the base of the biggest tree and let it all flow out of me.1

It wasn’t just about my marriage. That was over years ago. Gods know I tried to heal it, but he’s a selfish motherfucker so we failed. And not just MyDude either. He’s a symptom – a garbage barge passing through my life.

The dead:
My mother
My son
My great-grandmother2
My grandfather

The living:
My paternal family
Anyone I ever fell in love with
Countless “friends”3

The inanimate:
My home
My security
My dreams

I keep losing. And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of having strength and being crazy and trying to keep something together. I’m sick of being another in a long line of cursed women. I’m sick of being me. And I want to be an atheist right now. I want to let go of my spirituity so then these questions and frustrations won’t happen. “Shit happens” instead of “shit happens for a reason”. What’s  the point?

So, I had that time to do that thing. Then I walked downtown to meet that guy again. He was the only one to invite me for drinks and, honestly, he’s starting to grow on me. We started drinking at 7 and I was flashing my boobs by 11:30.  I stole someone’s cigarettes and kisses. The guy I was with apparently explained very gently why I needed to go the fuck home. And he took me. I woke up; face down on top of my purse and phone; and fully clothed. He texted me early this morning to check on me. He was very sweet about everything. I wasn’t the least bit sorry. Yeah…anyway…

Then my life-long best friend tells me her MS has snowballed and, no, she won’t take that medication now. She’s terrified. But I’m angry4. She won’t even use a cane oit in public. Now she will need a wheelchair. Which means she will not leave her house. She is so stubborn. I’ve been down this road before, so I know no amount of pleading will help. She is more like my mother than I am. I just want to smack her. But…it put some things into clear focus.

So, today I deleted every bit of MyDude from my phone – pictures, texts, email. He is not a real problem. I’m hurting because I miss someone I made up in my head. By the way, he’s a living, breathing human being, but I saw him as someone better than he was. I miss a wistful idea. He was nothing more than a fuckboy. And I elevated him to lover status. I hurt myself. And overall he was barely a blip in my life as it was imploding. There have been so many more important things to worry about, but I stupidly focused on that single thing. He was never worth that. I knew it then. I made him into something he can never be. I see it now. So…

I did email him yesterday when I was “out of sorts”. I know why I did it. I was honest. Just once more, Jennifer. I just told him that, since he was the one I confides in for 4 months, he’d be curious. He congratulated me and told me it all works out. “Yeah, eventually I hope.” I wasn’t thinking about him when I wrote. I was thinking about my house. And maybe the guy I was with at the time. Then this morning I told him my friend is too sick and that I won’t contact him again. That was that. After that I deleted everything.  Without the pictures I have a hard time remembering his face5. Without the emails and texts I will forget his voice. That’s that. He’ll become another story that begins “Hey, you remember that big guy I dated for a minute? What’s his name?”

Without his presence in my head I’ll have to face all of this other HUGE life changers. I’ll have to face myself and the parts.if the world that matter. That’s going to be rough. But I think I’m almost over this hump and good things will finally happen again. Time to start counting my silver linings again.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. I think this is the first time I’ve ever admitted it’s my grove. []
  2. My heart and strength. []
  3. I never learned to maintain relationships because a borderline personality raised me. []
  4. My mother committed suicide by doctor. []
  5. I still think about those hand though. []
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