His Fate In My Hands, etc

A funny thing happened yesterday. First, I found out that MyDude was talking about what he did to me at a party. Apparently it was hilarious. The person1 who mentioned this, though, said he “did you so dirty. He’s dirty as fuck.” So it’s obvious to me that person wasn’t impressed by what he heard. But who knows what he said to MyDude truthfully. He could’ve been egging him on. People are stupid and petty and love this sort of gossip. It’s juicy to see other people suffer. So, when I got home I was fuming about what I’d heard. I was also fighting with TheMan, which is nothing new, and I was ragey. I was just in a really bad mood.

I get my mail and what do I see? Well, well, well. A letter for MyDude. I look at the sender. Oh my2. It’s very serious. I know it’s serious without even opening it. I just stared at it for like 5 minutes. I had all these thoughts were screaming at me like little demons. Here was something so perfect, so absolutely cosmic. It was so delicious. I had his fate literally in my hands. If I threw this away or did a “Return to Sender” or called the number I knew was inside then his world would blow up. Very badly, as our orange buffoon president would say. I actually laughed pretty hard. How fucking perfect was this? I didn’t have to wait for Karma to balance anything out. The gods delivered his fate into my hands. The person he took such advantage of, the person he so unceremoniously discarded, the person whose life he infected like a parasite. This person who he hurt so tremendously was now holding something that would cause more harm to him than just some financial difficulties or heartache. I could destroy his life. I could make him suffer for a long time.

So, I sat with it. I thought about it. I considered my options. Then I asked for advice from a small group of folks who knew what he’d done. No one bothered to advise me because they knew what I was going to do anyway. They knew I wouldn’t choose to ignore it or return it or call the number on the inside. They knew that I couldn’t destroy someone’s life like that. Not just because it was Andy, but because I could never do that to anyone. No matter how bad they fucked me over. I’m not that kind of person.

Lil Miss told me “You have a choice. The gods gave you a choice and I think it’s a test.”((Arguing about our spirituality is a waste of time, by the way. We believe what we believe.)) A test. What kind of person did he create? Was I so bitter and angry that I could do that to him? I know a lot of women who would happily dial that number and spill the beans. I know plenty of people who would just return to sender and watch his world burn. Plenty of people who would throw it in the garbage and not tell a soul. I am probably really stupid because I was just lamenting that it was unfair how smoothly he got away and he was able to joke about what he did to me and my life. He was laughing at me and now I could exact sweet, sweet revenge. Here was my chance right? But it’s a test. It’s a fork in the road. Which way to go down?

I chose to email him, of course.

“I’m holding your karma in my hand right now. Isn’t that funny?

I was deciding what to do here. I could call and talk to them and give them [her] address or return to sender stating you no longer live here or just let it sit here and do nothing. That’s what you deserve. But the gods gave me a choice – let him be fucked or be me.

I decided to be me. It’s a letter from [].”

And I attached a picture.

I don’t wish him well at all. I don’t hope that they find happiness and that their lives are forever fruitful. I am not that good of a person. I hope they break up and she finds a new man and he is absolutely miserable because of it. I hope he loses his fucking hoopty car. I hope his dick falls off.

But I don’t have it in me to facilitate any of that. It’s totally unfair that the universe is helping him so much but I’m sitting here struggling with all of this change alone… It’s just unfair. It’s unfair that TheMan is walking away and about to get happily re-married while I’m sitting here… I hate all of it and wish horrible things upon both of their eyeballs. I want to be one of those women that doesn’t give a shit what happens to the motherfuckers who hurt her. But I’m not. I’m not like that and it pisses me off.

I had a choice and what if it was a test? What if I failed and I was supposed to kick him straight in the balls? I ask myself that while feeling like I did the right thing. I feel like I did what I supposed to do in that situation – regardless of my desire to just be completely evil and terrible. There are some lines I can’t cross. It drives me bonkers. Moral compass and all that shit.

So, I told him this letter came. I sent from my old email as well as the one he has – just in case he actually and finally blocked me this time. And I asked his coworker to please tell him he’d better check his email. Then I went online and filled out a change of address form for him. He doesn’t need to get any more anything at my house. I know why he didn’t change the address to her house, but I don’t give a fuck. He lives with her now. She can clean up his shit. I’ve done what I needed to do to get the message to him. Now I’m washing my hands. And throwing away this letter. He knows who it’s from. He can call them. Fuck it.

He emailed me back:
“Look just open it and tell me what it says”

No “thanks for the heads up”, no “please”, no “I know it’s a bother, but can you…” Nope. Just a demand. Because I’m me and he’s him and that’s how our dynamic is supposed to work, right? After everything that has transpired I’m supposed to just do what he demands.

I apologize. I’ve been through so much of your bullshit that I’m now blind and cannot read. Sorry.

I still have not responded with the information he wants. He can say the magic words like any 3 year-old learning to navigate society.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. An interested 3rd party who doesn’t even like me. []
  2. I won’t tell who it’s from. []
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