At the end he said he cared about me deeply, but he was never in love with me. I imagine he tells whoever he’s with now that I imagined it all. That he didn’t play with my head that way. That I was “dick dizzy”.
The first time he ever told me outright that he loved me was when we were having a fight. He’d flaked on me the night previously and refused to answer any of my calls or texts. It was the first time he disappeared suddenly. But this time he’d assured me he’d be home soon — and he didn’t come back until the next night.
That was a Saturday night. On Sunday I went to flea markets with my sister – determined to ignore him and move on. I’d decided already that I was done with him and I was coming to terms with that. I wasn’t completely attached yet. His spell hadn’t quite taken hold. I was strong in my determination. After the flea market I called my young friend. Then I went up there and spent the rest of the day with him and his friend.
Let me introduce you to my young friend. He’s 23 years-old and I met him through a friend. He became our designated driver when we went out and, somehow, I decided he was a good friend. He’s funny and very adorable and totally off-the-wall. He is also in love with me. I knew that then and I was probably cruel for hanging out with him so much. He knew we would never be a thing. It didn’t matter to me (or him, really). We got along, he was fun and he made me feel better when MyDude was shitty to me. my young friend is good for my ego and I’m good for his. He gets to tell people he hangs out with a MILF and I get to laugh that youngsters are hot for me. My relationship with him is weird and complicated and just about perfect. Did I mention that he and MyDude absolutely hated each other?
So, I spent the day with my young friend. We smoked a lot of weed and I was feeling very chill when I got home. MyDude had texted me begging for forgiveness, but I wasn’t having it. I was through with him. I was not going to take that kind of disrespect. Not when I had other men interested and willing to bend over backward to just hang out with me. I was going to kick him out that night, but decided he could stay until he found somewhere else.
my young friend dropped me off and I went upstairs to watch The Walking Dead. I had a very good buzz and it was the episode where Rick had to fight the gladiator zombie. I thought it was hilarious. Then I heard his car pull in. I noted the sound then went back to my show. I honestly didn’t care at that point. Fuck him, right? I was into my show and he could just fuck off. I sat there like that until 10pm, when I finally looked out the window.
He was sitting in his car, so I walked downstairs. He was busily typing a long message. I looked at my phone and, sure enough, he’d sent me quite a few really long texts. He was explaining what happened and why it wasn’t fair that I was mad and he’s so sorry. Blah blah blah. I quietly watched as he typed. He didn’t see me standing there and I didn’t let him know. Finally, when he pressed send, I knocked on the window. He looked ragged and stressed. Anxiety was written all over his face. He didn’t like confrontation. He really didn’t like looking at the pain he caused.
But I was feeling really chill. I don’t feel the rage when I’ve been smoking pot. I just kind of float on the edges of my emotions. That night I discovered it was the best way to be when dealing with MyDude and his moods. Always try to be chill. Otherwise I would lose it and losing it was never good.
When he finally got out of the car, he apologized. He was at his friend’s (he wasn’t- he was with his baby’s mom) and they were working on a truck. He didn’t think about someone waiting for him. Why did his friend need his mechanical help at 1am, I wondered. What the fuck was that about? There was no good answer. If he didn’t answer I wasn’t listening. He was lying to me and I knew it.
I told him I was done at that point. I said I didn’t want to be with anyone who would be so callous with my feelings. I didn’t want to date a coward who wouldn’t even answer a text. I was hurt and he knew it but he chose to ignore me. I was incredibly calm when I was telling him this. I watched as his face fell and his eyes darted around – thinking of how to get me back to where he needed me to be. I told him he didn’t have to leave right away, but he’d have to sleep on the couch because my bed was now off limits. I told him I deserved more respect and I wasn’t putting up with his shit.
Then he said his friend had a house in Akron and that he was going to move there. He started talking about it excitedly. As if this was some great news and I would jump for joy. Nope.
“Why the fuck are you telling me this shit right now? What the fuck is wrong with you? Don’t you understand what the fuck you did?” I screamed at him. He was shocked, but he started yelling back. I don’t remember what he said (if I’d even heard it the first time). All I know was that my heart was hurting and he didn’t seem to give a shit. I screamed some more. “You don’t give a shit about me, do you?”
“I love you, Jen. Goddamn it, I do really care about you.”
Everything stopped. It was like one of those cheesy romance movies. My head jerked around and my breath caught in my throat. “What did you just say?”
“I really do care about you.” Then he went inside – totally avoiding what just slipped out of his mouth. To this day he denies he said it at all. But it was something I’d desperately wanted to hear and he said it. He didn’t mean to say it. We were yelling at each other and he was trying to convince me not to kick him out. It was a crazy moment.
After we went inside, I stood against the refrigerator while he sat at the table. He told me he did care about me, but he wasn’t used to someone caring about him. He promised he’d never do that again and he was so, so sorry. He looked so sad. My heart hurt for him. I watched him talk for probably 15 minutes without saying anything. I have no idea what he said to me because I was thinking “I’m going to go to him eventually so I should just do it now.” I knew what the outcome was going to be, but I was making him wait. I should’ve stuck to my original plan. If I hadn’t heard those 4 words I would’ve gladly locked him out of my bedroom.
Finally, I walked over him and put my arms around him. He buried his face in my chest and hugged me back so tight I could barely breathe. MyDude is a very large, strong man and I’m a full foot and 150lbs smaller than him. When he hugged me I disappeared into him. It was an amazing feeling. Then we started to kiss and, soon, I was sitting on his lap and he was cradling me like a small child. I leaned into him and rested my head in the crook of his neck.
“I love you too.” I listened for his heartbeat. It picked up slightly but he didn’t say anything back to me. I was ok with that. Because he was someone who didn’t really talk much about his true feelings and I didn’t want to push it. That was the first time he said it out loud. I’ll never forget that.
I’ll also never forget that a few days later he tried to tell me he didn’t say it. He said he wasn’t in love with me because he couldn’t fall in love. I didn’t believe him then. I didn’t believe him when he told me numerous more times only to rescind it every single time. I didn’t believe he wasn’t capable of loving me.
I do now.
I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.