Who is up for a rollercoaster?

Rollercoasters are fun, right? They give you some type of thrill. That thrill that keeps you interested and running back for more. It pulls you up, throws you down. Thrusts you forward , pushes you back. It scares you, makes you laugh. Some even make you sick to your stomach. It’s that indescribable thrill that pulls you back to ride again and again.

He’s the creator of my personal rollercoaster. An emotional one. Filled with its own type of thrills. Also filled with heartache and tears. Laughs and fears.  Sometimes he even has the ability to make me feel physically sick.

He is my rollercoaster.

In this world full of disappointments, heartache and cruelty. People seek out distractions. They seek out things to level them.  Healthy emotional beings search for stable relationships. They are able to find these said relationships. They know when to let the unstable ones go. Then you have people like me – that hold on too tightly.

As I said before, I wasn’t expecting to fall in love with him. After that night, after that connection was created. Something changed in me. It was like my faith in him, in love, had been born. I have had others tell me how they felt about me. But it had always felt…Superficial. The way he felt vibrated by soul – radiated my heart. I felt it.

I felt safe with him. I was able to be vulnerable with him. Being vulnerable with someone wasn’t something that came easy for me. If anyone knew how frightening it was for me, they would understand the risk I took with that. I’ve taken that risk twice in my life. Twice.  Both times I got burned. It chipped away at my heart. It made me so cold. He was able to bring warmth to my heart. Do you understand how scary that was? I did. But that thrill, that thrill that sent me on an emotional ride. A ride that I didn’t want to end. I needed it.

He had someone. I knew that. I accepted it. As I said before it wasn’t meant to be like this. I don’t believe he meant it to be like this. But it happened. Things happen.

I made a conscious decision to be the other woman.

I was never proud of this decision. It actually ate at my soul. I know how it feels to be betrayed. How it feels to be lied to.  Cheated on. I never expected to be the perpetrator after being a victim myself. But this was different. We loved each other. I’m sure that’s the common rationale used, right? To justify wanting to be with a man who is already taken. To make it feel right. When in all reality it isn’t. To be so selfish, and to know it’s selfish. It makes you question your morals all together. It makes you question his respect for you, as a woman.

I pushed it in the back of mind. The things I knew. The doubts I felt. The uneasiness that I felt every time I wondered why he hadn’t left. I secretly questioned his motives. His feelings. It was only natural to wonder if he loved me why not just be with me. I pushed it all in the back of my mind. For as long as I could. Instead I held onto how sweet his kisses were. How gentle his touch was. The way he looked at me. Our conversations. I wasn’t the only one who had become vulnerable. Or was chasing this thrill. He was just as engaged as I was.  As in love as I was. We created this double life, a life we stayed in so safely when we were together. We lived this lie, this beautiful lie for a very long time. But all beautiful things come to an end. Soon enough my emotions would take over. Soon enough this rollercoaster wouldn’t be so exciting anymore. Soon enough my faith in love would be crushed again.

 

“Beautiful hurricane, I create disasters”

“The Bottom”

Here I am again
Honest and afraid
Doubting who I am
The reason I was made

Here I am again
Vulnerable and lost
Hanging from the edge
So close to falling off

Can I get myself back
Back up from the bottom
Can I get my life back the way it was
Before I got torn up

Can I get myself back
Back up from the bottom
Can I get my life back the way it was
Before I got torn up

Here I am again
Sleepless and confused
Have I met the end
Or am I being used

Here I am again
Ugly and alone
Searching for a sign
Tell me where to go

Can I get myself back
Back up from the bottom
Can I get my life back the way it was
Before I got torn up

Can I get myself back
Back up from the bottom
Can I get my life back the way it was
Before I got torn up

I know there’s no one left to blame
I know I’ve pushed you all the way
I have no further left to fall
I know there’s no one left to blame

I know I’ve pushed you all the way
I have no further left to fall
Can I get myself back
Back up from the bottom

Can I get my life back the way it was
Before I got torn up
Can I get myself back
Back up from the bottom

Can I get my life back the way it was
Before I got torn up
Can I get myself back
Back up from the bottom

Can I get my life back the way it was
Before I got torn up
Before I got torn up
Before I got torn up
Songwriters: Joseph David Walser / Blake Carney Allison
The Bottom lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

I love this song, but no two sites can agree on the lyrics. Whatever. This is where I’m at.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

Maybe but Maybe Not

I said somewhere else that I’m back on the dating sites and that it’s fun. That somewhere else was on this blog, but I can’t be arsed to look up which post. Anyway, I’ve been “shopping” for a few days now. And… oh my gods.

Ok, firstly, I adjusted all of my profiles1 to indicate that I’m not interested in anyone that is in a relationship2 or is regularly sleeping with their child/ren’s mother(s). Lordy, but I can’t deal with that baby’s mama drama a third time Read More

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. You thought I was on just one? Silly rabbit. []
  2. These guys are usually trying to get a third, but I’m not down. []

UPDATED: My Phone Hates Me

Updated Below:
This is just not funny anymore. So, sometimes my phone just opens and does weird shit. Sometimes it plays music, sometimes it opens my notes. Today it opened an old text. I look down to check Twitter and what do I see? This text:

He could be so sweet

This says “So, []1 looks me straight in the eye. Eyeball to eyeball. He say [sic] ‘I love you so much. I’m so lucky.’ Awww.”

This was not too long before everything blew up. This is an example of why everything has been so confusing to me. This man loved me. He used to do that kind of stuff all the time. But then he… I don’t know. It is what it is now, I guess. Everything happens for a reason blah blah fucking blah.

My phone – or the sly little ghost that’s haunting me – is a cruel, cruel beast.

Update:

Got a surprise for you nonbelievers.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. It’s his real name in the picture. []

She just wants to be loved

She just wants for someone to make her feel wanted,

to make her feel Loved.

So she settles for the half truths, and inconsistent kisses and hugs.

She deals with the constant arguments that drains her energy.

She’s exhausted.

But she just wants to feel loved.

So she watches him fill his body with toxins,

she watches what it does to him,

mentally and physically.

She doesn’t see how toxic he has become to  her,

mentally and physically.

But she ignores her own soul’s deterioration,
Read More

“Beautiful hurricane, I create disasters”

“Breathe”

[Intro: Grant Kendrick]
I fade to black as a search for the light
Can you bring me back from this unconcious life?
Can you show me the way?
I’m lost in the dark
I’m falling apart
Can you unbreak my heart?
So I can…

[Chorus: Grant Kendrick]
Breathe
Before I suffocate
Before it’s all too late
Before I die this way
I need to Breathe
Before I slip away
While there’s something left to save
Can you help me?
I need to Breathe

[Verse 1: Grant Kendrick]
I hear the angels calling
Can you send one down?
I see the demons crawling
They’re everywhere around
Can you pull me out
From the mess I’m in
Before my lungs collapse
And there’s no turning back
I need to…

[Chorus: Grant Kendrick]
Breathe
Before I suffocate
Before it’s all too late
Before I die this way
I need to Breathe
Before I slip away
While there’s something left to save
Can you help me?
I need to Breathe

[Bridge: Grant Kendrick]
I need to Breathe
Can you hear me?
I’m screaming
I’m broken down
I’m bleeding
Help me make through
I need you
I fade to black as I search for the light
Can you bring me back from this unconcious life?
Help me

[Chorus: Grant Kendrick]
Breathe
Before I suffocate
Before it’s all too late
Before I die this way
I need to Breathe
Before I slip away
While there’s something left to save
Can you help me?
I need to Breathe

[Outro: Grant Kendrick]
Before I slip away (Can you rescue me?)
I need to Breathe
Before it’s all too late (Can you rescue me?)
I need to Breathe
Before I die this way (Can you rescue me?)
I need to Breathe
I need to
I need to
I need to… (Can you rescue me?)
I need to Breathe

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

“Yesterday”

[Intro: Toni Braxton & Trey Songz]
Oh, oh
No, no
Ooh, Toni

[Verse 1: Toni Braxton]
I gave you the benefit of the doubt
‘Til you showed me what you were about
Your true colors came out, oh
And your words couldn’t hide the sin
‘Cause the truth about where you been
Is in a fragrance I can’t recognize

[Pre-Chorus: Toni Braxton]
Just standing there, scratching your head
Bloodshot eyes, drunk with regret
Hanging yourself ten feet over the edge
I’m done with this, feeling like an idiot
Loving you, I’m over it
I just don’t love you, don’t love you no more

[Chorus: Toni Braxton]
You, you are so yesterday
Never thought you’d lose my love this way
Now you come begging me to stay
See you, you are so yesterday
I won’t let you rain on my parade
I don’t wanna hear a thing you say
You’re so yesterday

[Verse 2: Trey Songz]
Baby, what you’re saying to me is
There’s no more you and I
I couldn’t get it right on yesterday
So kiss our tomorrows goodbye
Baby, love should brought me home
Should’ve just been a man about it
But now I’m crying like a baby
Girl, your love was like my blanket
Don’t know what to do without it

[Pre-Chorus: Trey Songz & Toni Braxton]
I’m standing here, pleading my case
You don’t care to hear what I say
Hanging yourself ten feet over the edge, oh no, baby
My promises don’t mean nothing
The end is so disgusting
I just don’t love you, don’t love you no more

[Chorus: Toni Braxton & Trey Songz]
You, you are so yesterday
Never thought you’d lose my love this way
Now you come begging me to stay
Honey, you, you are so yesterday
I won’t let you rain on my parade
I don’t wanna hear a thing you say, so yesterday

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

Unexpected

I can’t think of many redeeming qualities he possesses. Half of the time, okay maybe majority of the time, I’m struggling to even find what it is I even find attractive about him. He really isn’t my type physically. Besides his curly black hair, his smooth brown skin, his perfectly shaped lips. Ok…ok maybe I do know why I am attracted to him. But it’s not his looks that have me so dazed by him. Quite frankly I don’t know what it is about him that does. I get irritated by his impulsiveness. His arrogance. His inability to be selfless at times. He is not someone  that I would have thought I would love. His reputation is far from flawless. If I had been looking for perfection. He was far from it. But I fell. And I fell hard. So unexpectedly.

Is it love? For a long time I prayed that it wasn’t. All I was looking for was a distraction for a lot of things that were falling apart in my life. A good time, if that’s what you want to call it. He brought excitement into my life. Secret meetings, in secret spots. Both just looking to escape reality.  But I know that I myself, possess a certain curse. Men seem to fall for me even when they don’t think they would, and I usually hold the power in these situations. This time no one held this particular power. Even though I could see he was falling. I slipped too.

The moment I slipped I knew the power was now his. Sadly, he knew it too.

I remember the moment. I knew I lost the power.  Sex wasn’t just sex anymore. It became some type of window to my soul. The night I knew I loved him. Everything felt different. Smelled different. We moved different. I felt as though I could hear his heart beating through his chest. My heart beat seemed to sync with his. Everything slowed down. I focused on his breathing. Everywhere his breath touched made me shiver. His hands locked with mine. They didn’t let go. I just kept thinking it was all in my head. It was just me. But then we locked eyes. His eyes stayed on me the whole time. I would look away and he would follow.

He knew.

He knew what I didn’t know , or didn’t want to believe. He knew I had loved him. But for how long. He put his cheek on my cheek and his breathing in my ear,  heightened all my senses. All the times before it was just sex. All the times before I never paid attention to all the details. This time I was in tuned with him. My body was in tuned with his. And at the peak of the intensity. He pulled his cheek off mine. And looked into my eyes. And for the first time the words I love you flowed so sweetly from his lips. And all I could think was, if this wasn’t love then God I don’t know what is.

 

“Beautiful hurricane, I create disasters”

“Snuff”

Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again

So if you love me, let me go.
And run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care.
I can’t destroy what isn’t there.
Deliver me into my fate, if I’m alone I cannot hate
I don’t deserve to have you
My smile was taken long ago, if I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn’t face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart, when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not care.
I think I made it very clear.
You couldn’t hate enough to love.
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren’t my friend.
Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a saint
My own was banished long ago, it took the death of hope to let you go

So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won’t listen to your shame
You ran away, you’re all the same

Angels lie to keep control
My love was punished long ago
If you still care, don’t ever let me know
If you still care, don’t ever let me know

Songwriters: CHRISTOPHER FEHN, COREY TAYLOR, CRAIG JONES, JAMES ROOT, MICHAEL CRAHAN, MICKAEL THOMSON, NATHAN JORDISON, PAUL GRAY, SIDNEY WILSON
Snuff lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

At the end of the video she says something I said a few weeks before…
“I want you to promise you will NEVER let go.”

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.