The Devil Went Down to Georgia

About a month and a half ago I was crying and asking my gods why the fuck don’t I get some good karma for once. I was sad and miserable and empty. I felt like my gods and ancestors were just playing with me for cruel shits and giggles. Like they were continually punishing for something I couldn’t fathom I did.

But I was so wrong. In fact, I am a very blessed person.

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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

“Tomorrow”

I wrote some stuff below.

The sun’ll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There’ll be sun!

Just thinkin’ about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
‘Til there’s none!

When I’m stuck in a day
That’s gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh

The sun’ll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
‘Til tomorrow
Come what may

Tomorrow!
Tomorrow!
I love ya
Tomorrow!

You’re always
A day
A way!

Tomorrow!
Tomorrow!
I love ya
Tomorrow!

You’re always
A day
A way!

Tomorrow at this time I’ll be on a plane to Atlanta, Georgia. I’m really excited and nervous and a little bit extra nuts. Got my hair and nails did1. Got my bags packed. I’m ready, yo.

Yesterday was really stressful2 and I’m hoping that’s the end of whatever I have coming my way. It wasn’t so bad that I’m losing my shit, but it was close. There was some fun to be had at our regional meeting yesterday. I think the sirs caught wind of my romantic status. I seem to be giving off that “I’m totally single and you suck” vibe already. Mofos were busy stressing. And I’m pretty one of the big guys was flirting with me. I’m almost positive. I don’t want to sleep with him3 but it made me feel good.

That’s all from me today, folks. I’ve got a busy day today. That other post I was talking about is coming soon. It’s taking some time to get together. What the fuck am I thinking? I write my best stuff without thinking much about what I’m writing. This better be good.

Until then keep your eyes peeled for stories of antics from my trip.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. Actually did them myself, but who cares? []
  2. No, I don’t want to write about that particular incident. []
  3. Nooooooo []

“Straight Jacket”

Theory Of A Deadman – Straight Jacket lyrics
I wear a 36 long, white is my color
I wear a 36 long, white is my color
A little tight in the shoulder
But you know, it still fit me good
I wear a 36 long, white is my color
A little tight in the shoulder
But you know, it still fit me good

Anyone can see we’re a perfect match
An innocent boy and a psychopath
A week’s worth of dating and you talk about moving in
(Talk about moving too fast)
My mom disapproved and my friends would say
To break the girl’s heart but I’m too afraid
Her clickbait body was a tractor beam
She was a Tesla Model S with the ludicrous speed
The sex was good but we always fight
I’d try to leave your sorry ass but end up spending the night
Your sweetness, my weakness, you’re mean though ingenious
Nothing can come between us (Man, have you seen us?)

I’ve lost it, you’re toxic, I botched this, I’m nauseous
Man, I gotta be

Out of my mind, be going crazy
‘Cause it doesn’t faze me
Yeah, the way you treat me so bad
I must be out of my brain
Hallucinating
Well, it doesn’t faze me
Yeah, the way you treat me so bad
I must be out of my mind

Free at last, I’m free at last
Something I’ll never say is “I’m free at last”
She ain’t around so I can vent and get it off my chest
(So here we go, three, two, one)
And you’re supercali-pessimistic-expiali-narcissistic
You were Mary Poppins, you’d be soon be going out of business
God as my witness, you got a Honda Civic
‘Cause you’re backseat driving my life

I just wanna sleep my life away
I must be

Out of my mind, be going crazy
‘Cause it doesn’t faze me
Yeah, the way you treat me so bad
I must be out of my brain
Hallucinating
Well, it doesn’t faze me
Yeah, the way you treat me so bad
Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad

I’m freaking out, I’m panic attacking
Yeah, I mentally had it, now my living room’s padded
I’m a sadist, I’m addicted to this heroin
You’re Tonya Harding and I’m your Nancy Kerrigan
Like Lloyd Braun, I just wanted serenity
But you had to go testing me, gave me suicide tendencies
Your little games, your little, little games
You tricked me into staying, your playing is getting lame
From touching your sweet things to tracking your calls
Go from smacking your ass to punching holes in the walls
Go from sending me fire nudes to eyeing up other dudes
From picking a favorite song to playlisting break up tunes
Started so high, now I can hardly breathe
Go from weak in the knees to being too weak I can’t leave
You called it, it’s all my fault, this I know
Guess I’m better off dead inside than being alone

I just wanna sleep my life away
Oh!

I must be out of my mind, be going crazy
‘Cause it doesn’t faze me
Yeah, the way you treat me so bad
I must be out of my brain
Hallucinating
Well, it doesn’t faze me
Yeah, the way you treat me so bad
I must be out of my mind

Yeah, yeah, oh
I must be out of my mind

And you’re supercali-pessimistic-expiali-narcissistic
You were Mary Poppins, you’d be soon be going out of business

Yeah, oh, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

Luckily for Me

I’ll finally be in Georgia this Friday. Lil’lady and I are flying down. I’m so excited to meet my friend and, to be honest, going on a plane. I’ve never been on an airplane before so this is a super treat for me. Lil’lady is going to help me navigate the fun as she’s flown a bunch of times with Millie. She’s actually more worried about meeting Lars’s kids. They’re older than her, but his youngest isn’t that much older. Plus she’s happy as a lark that she won’t be the only kid there with a bunch of drunk Twitter weirdos.

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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

Just Hanging Out, Thank You

I hung out with my friend again last night. We were at his other friend’s house smoking some weed and her son was home. At first we were having an interesting conversation. I may have gone off on a tangent about why it’s too late for these 2A’ers1 to stop the government from bringing their boot down. And why does our little pissant town need a fucking tank? My friend was nodding a long and suddenly the young guy decides to change the subject. By the way, I’m pretty sure he’s younger than Sam, but I didn’t ask. He’s technically an adult, I know, but pffft. Anyway, this guy goes in the other room and comes out with two totes full of Jordans.

Two. Totes. Full. Of. Jordans.

The guys are suddenly in this animated conversation about these freaking shoes and my eyes couldn’t possibly roll harder without becoming dislodged. I left the conversation pretty much immediately. It’s been a long time since I’ve been around a table full of men talking about some shoes and I did not miss that crap at all. I started scrolling through Twitter to keep my traitorous mind off of bad subjects.

“Jen! Jen!” I’m off in my own little world – completely blocking out this boring ass conversation. I mean, I wasn’t even trying to pretend to be interested. Honestly, I was waiting to chill out a few minutes then off to home I was going. I look at him. He’s grinning. I don’t know why. He’s always grinning. “Get off your phone and scratch my back, homie.” Argh. I could feel my face turn. I hate this.
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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. Second Amendment freaks – most of whom are unaware there is a lot more to the Constitution than their militia talk. []

Wherein I Still Can’t Get a Grasp on Shit

Yesterday was such a mix of emotions and activity. I was exhausted by the end of it. Days “off” are never “off” for me.

I tried to clean out the toxins yesterday in my session. I started to. I grabbed her box of tissues and said “I’m going to need these.” She says back “Oh, man. Ok.” I didn’t accomplish much.

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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

Just a Small Celebration

Today was a hard day. But it was also an awesome day. My emotions were all over the place. Holy shitballs.

First, let’s celebrate, shall we?

My friend, Lars, and his wife, Beth, have invited Lil’lady and I down to their home in Georgia. I want to tell the world how thankful I am to know them. I met Lars first – on Twitter, of course. I don’t remember how. I used to be so active and I’ve met so many wonderful people on that platform. I saw a meme that read “On Twitter you learn to love people you’ve never met. On Facebook you learn to hate everyone you used to love.” Or something to that effect. It’s true though. These beautiful people reached out to me and offered their home to us for nothing. They expect nothing but my amazing company1. And they are helping me get there. I will admit that I am in tears right now. We finalized the plans today.

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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. I certainly hope I don’t disappoint them. I’m so nervous. []

Thank You

I want to talk about more positive things now. Sam’s friends are really toxic and they tend to bring me down. Let’s lift me back up, shall we?

I was with my friend last night. I was talking about my upcoming trip to Georgia and how I should probably curb my language just for the weekend. I was laughing and cutting up, but my friend snagged me by the arm and stared straight into my face. He was nose to nose with me.

“Don’t you dare,” he says to me. I’m a little taken aback. He’s dead serious.

“Don’t what?” I’m unsure of where the conversation was at this point. Not really sure why he’s all the sudden so intense.

“Don’t you dare change how you are, JJ. Don’t you dare change your language.” He let go over my arm and became very animated. “If I don’t hear you say ‘shit’, ‘motherfucker’, ‘fucktard’ or any of that shit at least once in a sentence then me and you are going to have problems.” I understood. He got in my face again.k

“Don’t you dare change, Jen.”

I could’ve cried the way he said it. I know what he meant, but it’s hard for me to believe. I’m trying to convince me that all of these people who are reaching out to me are not lying. I’m trying hard to believe what they’re saying to me.

Later we were in the car and we were talking about pain. My back was hurting so bad last night, it was miserable. We were talking about that and why I had to stop taking pain pills1. He leaned over and stared at me.

“I’m sorry.” I was confused again.

“Sorry for what?”

“I wish I could do something to help you. I’m sorry.” It was touching really. And a little awkward. I don’t know where any of it was coming from. I can guess, but I’d rather not right now.

“I have two choices with this pain, because it’s never going away as long as I live. I can either let the pain take over my life and dictate how I live. Or I can adjust my expectations and live regardless of the pain. I choose to live.” He laughed and rubbed the back of my head.

“You’ll get through this, JJ. If there’s anyone who can do this it’s you. You’re one of the strongest women I know. You’re amazing. Don’t ever change. Not for anyone.” I didn’t cry. But I wanted to. I feel like he really didn’t say that, but he did. We’ve been friends for a long time and he’s never said anything like that. I was really touched.

He’s not the first friend to say stuff like that to me. I asked someone else why he liked me. He said because I’m made from titanium. I don’t feel like that. I feel like I’m falling apart at the seams. Like the gods are playing a cruel joke on me with this life. And just when I feel like I’m losing it, the friends I took for granted reach out and pull me back together.

Whether they offer to bring me away for a weekend or pray for me or make me laugh or remind me that I’ve survived worse, these people are all amazing. I am so grateful for them. I am so grateful that I’m not alone and I’m not surrounded by people who would push me under as I drown. They’ve formed a chain and are saving me. It’s so hard for me to accept that maybe I am worth it and maybe I am loved. I’ve spent my whole life fighting against people who would see me fail2. So, when I don’t have to fight?

That is so wonderful. They are so wonderful. I am thankful. I don’t give two shits if this makes me look weak or crazy. My people know who they are. I want them to know I love them. I’m proud of that. I’m happy to have people in my life that see something in me that is invisible to my eyes. This strength I didn’t recognize. Titanium? Shit, man. When I feel so weak? Yes, because I”m still going forward.

I lost someone I love because of fucktardery. That loss did not end my life. None of the many losses I have endured – the deaths of my grandmother, my mother and my son; the end of my marriage; the loss of my family home – none of them ended me. This is not even in the same ballpark as those. I’m still here and I’m still trucking forward. And I have the most amazing people in the world around me while I do it. I don’t have those people who tear me down anymore. I’m blessed even though my heart is broken. Broken hearts heal, darlings, and mine is healing much faster thanks to the love these people are showing me.

This is my ‘thank you’ note to everyone who saw me in pain and reached out to help me. Thank you for thinking I’m worth it. Thank you for accepting me for me. Thank you for reading my indecipherable dribble, seeing inside my head and not running off.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. I refuse to be treated like I don’t need a medication and piss in a cup every fucking 7 days. []
  2. I’ve had people in my life exactly like Sam’s insidious little demon friend. I’ve got plenty of experience there. []