“She Wins”

I’m putting her away deep in a box I constructed long ago. She doesn’t want to go back. She’s kicking and screaming and throwing a total fit. But she’s not required anymore. She’s not useful and all she does is make me cry.

It’s not my demon. No, ultimately, she’s been right every time. I designed her to protect my most tender spots and she’s tried. I thought I wanted her gone. But it’s better for the other part to go away.

The part that loves and cares too strongly. The part that still has hope that this isn’t really my life. She’s unrealistic, immature and soft. Too soft. These last two years have been mostly miserable – because she hoped for a different outcome. She’s always hoping. But my life is not supposed to have what she needs. I see that now. So, she goes back.

It’s hard. It hurts. Of course it does. There were a few times when I have been ecstatic about my life. But those are off moments. And they make it worse when reality comes crashing in. I think I deserve something good, but that’s not in my cards. I don’t even want to try anymore. I just want to move forward and forget this childish nonsense in my head.

I want the chaos to calm. That’s not some kind of threat to hurt myself. But it’s also a hope that I don’t hurt myself even more. My self-destruction is more subtle; slow. I likened it today to someone cutting themselves – except I do it to my mind. I find the most inventive ways to do it, too. Not alcohol or drugs or other overt ways. Those are easy to spot. People get frustrated with me because they don’t get it. Because I look ok. I sound ok. I’m really just an undercover nutter.

I’m afraid to try again. I’d forgotten and then refused to acknowledge that this is it for me. Too late. I’ve fully embraced the curse of my mother’s line. Being someone other isn’t possible for me. Not anymore.

So, I’m going against everything my therapist suggests. She means well, I know. But I don’t think she fully gets what I mean when I tell her these things. Loving myself, right now, means letting go of the part that hurts. I don’t need her anymore. I need the fierce, bitchy part of me more than anything.

It’s taking some time, but I’ve found a way to hurry it along. Wounds need to scar over and that scar tissue needs to be thick. With every hurt feeling I get a little cooler. More aloof. Less concerned with the tender feelings of others. More cruel. I will be sweet as anything, but woe to the person who might fall in love with me. I’ll love my family and friends forever. Everyone else can fuck themselves.

This is probably not good for people who are in the habit manipulating and controlling me. I’ve stopped pretending around Millie – which is a big step. I won’t ask for respect anymore. These mofos are used to using me for whatever. Everyone who thinks I am the person I allowed TheMan to mold me has been a little shocked. I don’t care anymore. The shin-kicking portion of this shit show is over. I’m done with the giving and getting. And I’m done bowing to my betters. I’m done worrying about some white trash skanks as if they mean anything to my life. I can’t say I’m done with the rage, though. The demon that thrives on that rage?

She wins.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

Had a Date Last Night

So, I finally went on a date last night. I decided it was time because absolutely nothing else is working. I’m just so tired of not doing anything because someone’s tender fucking feelings are going to get hurt. Time to worry about my own feelings1. He texted me yesterday asking about when we can get together. I decided that last night was the perfect time to do it.

It’s not some dude off a dating site though. I keep trying to meet these bozos, but they think I should come to their house to “watch movies”. Man, gtfo with that shit. I say “no” to that every time. Most of those guys know what’s up then and decide to cut contact. A couple of them have persisted. The last two standing sent me either full nudes or partial nudes to get me to meet up with them. I hate to break it to you, guys, but you’re penis is not all that attractive. I don’t care about that nonsense. And I’m certainly not sending nudes back. Not worth the effort.

“I’m sorry. It’s way too early for this nonsense. How’s about asking me how I am or, I dunno, what my favorite color is? Warm me up. Put in some effort. Better luck next time.”

I’ve known last night’s date for 25 years. A long time. He was 18 and still in school when I met him. He’s now working as a drug counselor at a halfway house2. Anyway, back then I was with Bobby. This dude and Bobby were friends. I BROKE A RULE. Anyway, he told me last night that he was mean to me back in the day because he had a huge crush on me. He said he regularly dreamt about me back then. What? Ok, then. Of course, he couldn’t do anything about his feelings because Bobby would’ve probably literally killed him3. I wouldn’t have been interested anyway. Bobby and I were deeply in love. I didn’t even look at other men back then4

We had a nice chat. I told him about the time I got into a fight with his first son’s mother for what I thought was no reason. Turns out she knew he had a crush on me. She regularly accused him of sleeping with me. I guess she even tried to tell Bobby once. But we weren’t sleeping together – ever. Bobby knew that. He didn’t even bother asking me. Anyway, she saw me alone in my favorite hole-in-the-wall and decided to flex on me. She’s a rather large girl and she had a bunch of other large girls with her. I actually made the right decision that time – I took off. But I didn’t just go home. Nope. I called Bobby. Then I went with him to his friend’s house and his friend’s sister was there. They called some people and the next night we all piled into two cars to go back to the bar. Of course, this woman and her friends were there. She was waiting for me. She shouldn’t have been. Really.

We all walked into that tiny bar as a group. The look on her face was amazing. She wasn’t expecting all that. I smiled at her and then she dashed out. We followed her out. Then my friends made sure her friends kept to themselves so we could battle right and proper. I kicked that bitch’s ass all over the place. She was much bigger than I, but I’ve been fighting big people my entire life. After she was thoroughly embarrassed, she flagged down a police car. She told the cop that I attacked her. It certainly looked that way. Then the cop came to talk to me. I was sitting by myself on the curb because I’m a cute little white girl and my friends were not. He asked me what happened.

Me: “I don’t know what’s going on. I’m just trying to sober up a little.”
Him: “She says you attacked and beat her.”
Me, laughing: “Really? Officer, that doesn’t make sense. Look at me then look at her.”
Him: “Thank you, Miss”

And away he drove with her safely in the back seat. It was that was the end of that. I never saw her or her friends in that bar again.

My friend then told me she’d always been jealous of me and probably wanted to settle the score. That was probably 5 years after Bobby and I broke up. She really did hate me a lot. I don’t care. Just another fucking fan.

So, back to my date. I got an invitation to the Bahamas and New Orleans next year. I might actually go. I don’t know. We had a couple of shots and some beer then called it a night. Anything else can wait until later. I didn’t want to go back to his place and he certainly wasn’t invited to mine. And this chick doesn’t do the back seat unless that back seat is something spectacular. I’m too old for that nonsense. Plus, I mean, I really want a dude to put in some work. I am so sick of these mofos who just treat me like a placeholder for someone else. He’ll have to put forth some effort. I think I’m worth it most of the time.

Bonus: My social calendar for June is actually full now. And I’m running into July5. This is exciting for me because I didn’t do anything last summer because of, well, my depression. I refuse to sit home all the time now. Bring on the adventures. I’m ready.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. I know I do that here. It’s different out in the real world. []
  2. Yes, he knows I smoke weed. []
  3. I was off limits forever. I’m still supposed to be off limits. []
  4. Well… During the early days of our relationship. []
  5. Going to Cedar Point. I love Cedar Point. I love rollercoasters. []

Let the Summer Begin

So, I’m dating again. Did I mention that? No, because I’m too busy bringing more shit into my life. Well, let’s talk good stuff.

I met this guy from Cleveland. He’s my age and has a job, a car, and his own place. He’s freaking adorable. We talk every morning now and are close to getting to the final step. This is where my anxiety kicks in. Is he going to like me when he sees me? I don’t know why I think this because I’m not catfishing anyone. But I do enjoy talking to this guy and he’s making such a good effort to woo me.

Then there’s this other guy. He lives about 20 minutes away. He sent me some pictures this morning and his house is amazing. His body is also amazing. Not going to lie. I mean, generally I laugh at dick pics, but his came at the most opportune time. I was so pissed and then BING. There it was. Aww, thanks, fucktard. It looks like a penis – as they all do – and it looks like he likes to use it. Good for him. I know that he’s the one who won’t call after we get naked.

And he is the one I’m going to spend time with this weekend. I can tell he’s not really interested in anything long-term. So he’ll be doing his guy thing and then will ghost. That’s perfectly fine with me. I think that’s what I need right now. Just a rough-and-tumble and then “BYE!” I’m good with that. He’s a very pretty man and, apparently, has a high sex drive. That works for my purposes this weekend. Shit, I might like him so much that I’ll stop talking to the other.

Hahaha! No, I absolutely will not. Fuck monogamy. I tried it. I don’t like it. I know the risks and I know how to be safe-ish1. I have not been a believer in monogamy since I was a teenager. I think everyone cheats in some way and that we’re not designed as animals to practice monogamy. Easy peasy. I think if it works for people then good for them. But it has never been something that works for me. I always end up on the wrong side of a fucked up situation when I try it. When I wasn’t monogamous – and my men knew about each other2 – I was much happier. I didn’t give a shit if Jay showed up one night, because I could call Jason. And I refused to let myself get attached to my secondarys3. Actually, back in the 90s I refused to get attached to anyone. If I started to feel a certain way about a dude I put him to the side. I wasn’t having that.

Monogamy is for wolves and birds. And probably some kind of marine animal of some sort. It’s not for humans. It’s not for me. I waste time on that shit. Being careful not to flirt, refusing otherwise fine engagements because he might get mad, changing my behavior so he is comfortable – all the while the shady motherfucker has his penis in half the town. I don’t like that. I don’t like that my partner would risk my health and not tell me. If I know that my dude is seeing someone else then that mofo is wrapped up when he’s spending time with me. I want to be safe. I’ve never had an STD and I don’t really want one. I’ve heard they kind of suck. Anyway, that’s the way I prefer it. I don’t want to be the one who gets shit on anymore. I’m sick of it.

So, I have a thing tonight, a date tomorrow4 and a date on Sunday. Not with the same guy. This would be J, M and R5. I think there’s another J in there but I haven’t talked to him all week, so he might have to wait until next weekend.

I know I should be writing, but fuck it. Let’s have some fun.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. No one is completely safe. []
  2. I am honest about the fact that I will accept other partners if they meet my needs. I’m selfish that way. They then have the choice to accept that or move on. []
  3. Side dick? []
  4. Maybe a sleep over. Depends. []
  5. I’m not bothering naming them. []

Going it Alone

I took the trash out to the curb this morning and, for the first time, I only had to carry one can to the curb. This is the first time in 15 years that it’s just me taking care of a child. I mean, yes, I knew before, but I wasn’t the only adult in the house even after TheMan and I split up. I had my sister and everyone else who came over until Lucifer moved in. And even then we always had company. My family was making up for lost time, I think. Now that I was free they were free to be around me again. Then I had Lucifer with me and, well, everything that entailed.
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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

I’m Sick of Pretending

I’d like to make a confession.

I am terrified right now. I know what I need to do to go forward. I know what’s required to survive. I used to be so resilient. I’d bounce back from anything the fates threw at me.

But there’s been too much bouncing. Too many times I’ve had to find the pieces of my shattered life and putting them back together.

There has been too much goddamned loss. There ate too many scars. There are too many pieces of me cut off. This last time was too much. I just knew deep in my soul that he lives me. But he didn’t. I was wrong again. And I broke my own heart.

Moving won’t bring any if what I’ve lost back. I will always be missing pieces. I will always have this hole in my middle. I’ve run before. Then I came back and lost even more. I’ve hurt myself beyond measure. The fates have taken my confidence. They’ve left me dangling in the wind. I’m not getting stronger here. I’m not finding what I’ve never had. I had it. And then it was gone. Poof!

I have a story to tell and it’s a long one, folks. I hope you read to the end, but I think you already know the end.

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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

TheMan Has Lost His Mind

So, I have a funny story. Oh, yes. It is hilarious.

I have the littles this weekend. Lil’lady went with her dad to take Millie to lunch. I spent most of my time dodging Lil’est as she jabbers in my ear1. I haven’t bothered to even put on makeup today. No point in it. Today is Read More

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. She’s still at it. Gods bless her. []

Jealous Boyfriends and the Stories I Tell

I’ve been writing a book. Well, ok, not recently. But I’ve gotten quite a bit of this book done – 89,000 words. Then I met Lucifer and, well, I stopped writing it. I was going to start up again, but my dumbass gave a good portion to the pup to read and that did not go well.

What was his complaint regarding what I’d given him? Well, for one, he seemed to think that it was a erotica about the UPS driver at work. Nooo. The one character he could’ve gotten that vibe has dark hair, dark eyes and sings popera. The guy the pup was so worried about is blonde with blue eyes and, I’m pretty sure, can’t sing. Words mean things.

Quite frankly, I was really into Josh Groban and David Tennant at the time and, well, combined the two in my sex-starved1 brain. But I never even wrote any sex scenes that could’ve been misinterpreted by anyone other than a pup with low self-esteem and a really terrible best friend.
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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. At the time. []

Back When I was Blonde

So, I was browsing through my photos and what do I come across?

Me with blonde hair! Actually, I’m in a wig, but whatever. I was still cute even at the ripe old age of 43 (which was when this was taken). I like my hair darker because it makes me look all sultry1. I’m all sorts of versatile.

Oh, the memories.

JJ with Blonde Hair
Blonde JJ

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. Or as Lucifer’s Horseface said once “like a Mexican Gangsta Whore”. Ha! []

It’s Been a Long Road

On the Saturday of my weekend in Georgia, my Twitter friends (now very much real life friends) and I sat around the fire and had a nice chat. None of us were drunk, but we were feeling pretty good. The weather was absolutely gorgeous the entire time I was there and the evening was no exception. I’m not sure how the conversation came up, but somehow we started talking about Gabriel. I’m very free with that story, because telling it is so important to me. I don’t offer the story anymore, though. I’ve run into way too many people who are uncomfortable with the discussion. These two wonderful people were not among the uncomfortable.

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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.