Me & My Demon alternatively I Am My Demon

I’ve had occasion to discuss my demon before. I call her an evil bitch, but that’s not really the case at all. She’s evil to everyone else. To me she’s a flaming sword.

The other day I asked someone “do you think in words or images?” It was an interesting conversation. One that I really want to explore. I asked her what would happen if I asked her to describe something how would she think about the something? She said she thinks in words. I think of different concepts in images. I can describe it to you in words, but it’s formed a shape in my mind – even concepts that don’t have a visual cue get one in my mind.
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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

Going it Alone

I took the trash out to the curb this morning and, for the first time, I only had to carry one can to the curb. This is the first time in 15 years that it’s just me taking care of a child. I mean, yes, I knew before, but I wasn’t the only adult in the house even after TheMan and I split up. I had my sister and everyone else who came over until Lucifer moved in. And even then we always had company. My family was making up for lost time, I think. Now that I was free they were free to be around me again. Then I had Lucifer with me and, well, everything that entailed.
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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

I’m Sick of Pretending

I’d like to make a confession.

I am terrified right now. I know what I need to do to go forward. I know what’s required to survive. I used to be so resilient. I’d bounce back from anything the fates threw at me.

But there’s been too much bouncing. Too many times I’ve had to find the pieces of my shattered life and putting them back together.

There has been too much goddamned loss. There ate too many scars. There are too many pieces of me cut off. This last time was too much. I just knew deep in my soul that he lives me. But he didn’t. I was wrong again. And I broke my own heart.

Moving won’t bring any if what I’ve lost back. I will always be missing pieces. I will always have this hole in my middle. I’ve run before. Then I came back and lost even more. I’ve hurt myself beyond measure. The fates have taken my confidence. They’ve left me dangling in the wind. I’m not getting stronger here. I’m not finding what I’ve never had. I had it. And then it was gone. Poof!

I have a story to tell and it’s a long one, folks. I hope you read to the end, but I think you already know the end.

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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

Jealous Boyfriends and the Stories I Tell

I’ve been writing a book. Well, ok, not recently. But I’ve gotten quite a bit of this book done – 89,000 words. Then I met Lucifer and, well, I stopped writing it. I was going to start up again, but my dumbass gave a good portion to the pup to read and that did not go well.

What was his complaint regarding what I’d given him? Well, for one, he seemed to think that it was a erotica about the UPS driver at work. Nooo. The one character he could’ve gotten that vibe has dark hair, dark eyes and sings popera. The guy the pup was so worried about is blonde with blue eyes and, I’m pretty sure, can’t sing. Words mean things.

Quite frankly, I was really into Josh Groban and David Tennant at the time and, well, combined the two in my sex-starved1 brain. But I never even wrote any sex scenes that could’ve been misinterpreted by anyone other than a pup with low self-esteem and a really terrible best friend.
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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. At the time. []

Ghosts are Bothering Me

Lil’lady and I are by ourselves now. No more roommates. No live-in boyfriends. No one to hide my stuff from. Today my plan is to move things I’ve been storing in my room to another room, bring a cabinet downstairs, and generally get used to living just the two of us. This is the first time in her life that is has been just the two of us. So, what’d she do yesterday? Locked us out. Oh, gotta love it. Anyway, it’s going to take a bit more adjusting to get used to this, but… We’ll be moving again soon. I’m not staying in this house when I don’t need those extra rooms. I want to move away from Ohio, to be honest, but that’s probably not going to pop off anytime soon. I will move from this gods-awful town, though. Rest assured about that. I don’t need to be reminded of everything I’ve lost while I’ve been here. Not anymore. There’s no point to it.

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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

It’s Been a Long Road

On the Saturday of my weekend in Georgia, my Twitter friends (now very much real life friends) and I sat around the fire and had a nice chat. None of us were drunk, but we were feeling pretty good. The weather was absolutely gorgeous the entire time I was there and the evening was no exception. I’m not sure how the conversation came up, but somehow we started talking about Gabriel. I’m very free with that story, because telling it is so important to me. I don’t offer the story anymore, though. I’ve run into way too many people who are uncomfortable with the discussion. These two wonderful people were not among the uncomfortable.

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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

Just Hanging Out, Thank You

I hung out with my friend again last night. We were at his other friend’s house smoking some weed and her son was home. At first we were having an interesting conversation. I may have gone off on a tangent about why it’s too late for these 2A’ers1 to stop the government from bringing their boot down. And why does our little pissant town need a fucking tank? My friend was nodding a long and suddenly the young guy decides to change the subject. By the way, I’m pretty sure he’s younger than Sam, but I didn’t ask. He’s technically an adult, I know, but pffft. Anyway, this guy goes in the other room and comes out with two totes full of Jordans.

Two. Totes. Full. Of. Jordans.

The guys are suddenly in this animated conversation about these freaking shoes and my eyes couldn’t possibly roll harder without becoming dislodged. I left the conversation pretty much immediately. It’s been a long time since I’ve been around a table full of men talking about some shoes and I did not miss that crap at all. I started scrolling through Twitter to keep my traitorous mind off of bad subjects.

“Jen! Jen!” I’m off in my own little world – completely blocking out this boring ass conversation. I mean, I wasn’t even trying to pretend to be interested. Honestly, I was waiting to chill out a few minutes then off to home I was going. I look at him. He’s grinning. I don’t know why. He’s always grinning. “Get off your phone and scratch my back, homie.” Argh. I could feel my face turn. I hate this.
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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. Second Amendment freaks – most of whom are unaware there is a lot more to the Constitution than their militia talk. []

Wherein I Still Can’t Get a Grasp on Shit

Yesterday was such a mix of emotions and activity. I was exhausted by the end of it. Days “off” are never “off” for me.

I tried to clean out the toxins yesterday in my session. I started to. I grabbed her box of tissues and said “I’m going to need these.” She says back “Oh, man. Ok.” I didn’t accomplish much.

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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

“The Fighter”

I don’t need you to save me
I don’t need you to cure me
I don’t need you and your antidote for I am my disease
I don’t need you to free me
I don’t need you to help me
I don’t need you to lead me through the light
I will always fall and rise again
Your venomous heroine
‘Cause I am a survivor
Yeah, I am a fighter
I will fall and rise above
And in your hate I find love
‘Cause I’m a survivor
Yeah, I am a fighter
I will not hide my face
I will not fall from grace
I’ll walk into the fire, baby
All my life
I was afraid to die
And now I come alive inside these flames
You don’t want me to love you
You don’t want me to need you
You don’t want to look at me for you will turn to stone
You don’t want me to hurt you
You don’t want me to bite you
You don’t want me or my aching soul
For I will only fall and rise again
Your venomous heroine
I’m a survivor
Yeah, I am a fighter
I will fall and rise above
And in your hate I find love
‘Cause I’m a survivor
Yeah, I am a fighter
I will not hide my face
I will not fall from grace
I’ll walk into the fire, baby.
All my life
I was afraid to die
But now I come alive inside these flames!
I don’t need you to save me
‘Cause I’m a survivor
Yeah, I am a fighter
I will not hide my face,
I will not fall from grace,
I’ll walk into the fire, baby
All my life
I was afraid to die
But now I come alive inside these
Alive inside these
Alive inside these
Songwriters: Christopher John Howorth / Kevin Churko / Maria Diane Brink / Michael Spadoni / Nick Helbling
The Fighter lyrics © BMG Rights Management US, LLC

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.