My Daughters Hate Him

My divorce will be final next week – the day before Lil’lady’s birthday. I told her that and she said “Huh. That’s kind of sad.” And that was that. She’s dealing pretty well with this situation now, though it was a struggle at first. It was a struggle for both of us. And the gods know I didn’t make anything easier by bringing MyDude into our life. He and I really made a mess of everything.

Lil’lady loved him at first. She was excited for me and was always happy to see him. Her little friends1 and she nicknamed him “Tree” because he’s so large. At first, he loved her and her friends too. He liked that they were always so excited when he came around. And Lil’lady wasn’t a bit upset when he moved in. Of course, I just said it was temporary2 and left it at that.

I asked her once “Do you like MyDude?” I was trying to have a heart-to-heart with her, but that’s so difficult. My child has never had the stomach for anything sentimental. She’s very much like her grandmother in that respect. She was in no mood for a conversation with me about him. She wasn’t interested in our relationship, except that he made me happy.

“I do like him. He’s very affectionate to you. I like that.”

That was all she said. And, at the time, he was very affectionate. He’d snatch me up in the kitchen and kiss me in front of everyone. Or he’d hug me from behind. Or we’d just sit and look into each other’s eyes. At first he was amazing. Lil’lady wasn’t used to seeing adults show each other love. TheMan and I hadn’t even kissed in 7 years. And we never held hands or hugged spontaneously. We weren’t the least bit affectionate at any point that she can possibly remember. So, this was new to her. Grown ups happy with each other? It was new and strange and gave her hope.

But then he ran off with his baby’s mom. And then he gave her the phone to call me. I was with Lil Miss and Sam when she called me. We were driving to Lil Miss’s house for St. Patrick’s Day. Sam was our DD. Anyway, Horseface called me. She was so sloshed she could barely string a sentence together. I tried to remain calm, but I was livid. I wanted to kill her and him. He refused to get on the phone and talk to me. Then she sent me a picture of them sitting together – and put on his facebook that they were back together and happy. All of our mutual friends saw it. Lil’lady saw it.

I didn’t cry. I decided it was over then and I wanted my shit. We were going to drive to Horseface’s house, but I decided against it. Fuck it. Let her have him, right? Lil Miss cried all the way home. She was upset and amazed that I wasn’t crying. I was, honestly, in shock. I didn’t see any of that coming and I just couldn’t believe it. I had no tears. I had no rage. I was just numb.

The night before this all happened MyDude took me out for a night on the town. We went to a new brewhouse and had a pitcher of beer. Then we went down the street to a sports bar and met some folks with whom we had more drinks. After that we drove home for a little bit. We had some wild sex and broke the lamp. Then we left again and went to a local bar and, finally, ended up at a strip club. We went home and had more sex then fell asleep. He spent a lot of money that night and we had a fabulous time.

So when she called to tell me they were back together…I was just numb. It was a shock to my system. I was beyond that, I think. I was devastated. But I didn’t cry that time. Not in front of Lil Miss. Not that time.

After he came back Lil’lady didn’t like him. She refused to speak to him and the girls avoided him. She wanted nothing to do with him and was angry that I’d forgiven him. Right now at this very minute I hate myself because I forgave him the first time. I was enamored with him and it made me sad that my daughter hated him now. I understood though. I wish now that I’d have told him to fuck off right then. Forever gone. Buh-bye. But I didn’t. When he sat on my bedroom floor and started sobbing I just couldn’t say no to him. That was my mistake. The motherfucker knew how to play me. He was a goddamned master. He was upset for a while that the girls felt differently to him.

“I didn’t do anything to her,” he said to me one night. I just stared at him.
“What’d you do to her mother?” I asked. And the penny dropped. “You hurt me, MyDude, and that hurt my girls. She doesn’t trust you. You should work to change that.” He nodded at me as if he completely understood. But he had no intention of working on a relationship with her. That was done in his eyes. He didn’t even bother to engage her after that.

The last time Lil’lady saw him he’d popped in out of the blue to collect the stuff he’d left at my house. I was at work and he thought the house would be empty. But there was no school that day and Lil Miss was there with her youngest. So there was a houseful of people and he was forced to wait outside. Apparently the girls were busily making fun of him and laughing at him. Lil’lady told him that all of his stuff was in the fire pit. It wasn’t. As this was going on he was texting me like crazy – telling me he didn’t care if the girls were laughing at him and his car was nicer than the Cruz3 and what was taking me so long. By the time I got home he was gone with most of his stuff.

The girls wanted to burn what was left. And I considered it. But I saved it for him. A couple of weeks later he came to get it – once again while I was at work so he wouldn’t have to see me. He’s a coward in that way. He knows the damage that he did but refuses to look at it. He runs away. At least with me I faced him when I hurt him. And I would’ve stopped seeing everyone if he’d have asked. But he’s a coward. So it was easier for him to leave me.

Lil’lady wants me to start dating again. There’s a guy on my facebook who I’m kind of interested in. He’s a cool guy and he’s kind of rough. We went out with a group of people a couple of weeks ago and it was fun. But nothing happened between us. It’s mostly just messaging at this point. I don’t want to touch him or kiss him. But I’d love to sit and talk with him. Just get to know him without any of the physical stuff. Unfortunately, I have a look about me that men have decided means they can approach me as if I’m some kind of sex worker. It’s weird and I don’t like it. But when he messages me he just talks about regular shit and always asks me to come for a drink. I haven’t yet. I think tonight I might. Lil’lady has checked him out and has decided he’s suitable enough. As long as he’s not like MyDude. What happened between me and MyDude made her look at relationships a different way. I’m not sure that’s a good thing. I want something healthy so she can see that. Maybe some day I will find that. I’m not looking right now, though. Just testing the waters.

I told Lil Miss that it’s impossible for me to be a role model when it comes to relationships. I have never seen a healthy relationship in my life and I have never had one. I thought I was getting into something healthy with TheMan, but he broke me in a whole new way4. I was upset because how will my girls know what’s good or not? Lil Miss has already had a bunch of very unhealthy relationships. We just do not know how to do it. It’s incredible.

So, next week starts my new life. A new chance to finally get something right. A new slate. I’ve been having a very hard time cleaning up the mess MyDude left in my life and just yesterday found out another way he screwed me. We’ve been broken up for more than a month and I’m still dealing with his bullshit. I feel like I’m going through 2 divorces simultaneously. I’ll be glad when it’s over next week. I am so anxious to put all off this behind me and start my new life. Fuck both of them. I hope they both get gonorrhea of the eyeball.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. Girls that come over all the time. []
  2. It was. []
  3. The car I took back from him. A story for another time, I think. []
  4. I’ll talk more about that eventually. []

I Question Everything

You made me question everything about myself

Before I met Lucifer I was a pretty spiritual person. I believed in my intuition. And I thought I could read people very well. Before Lucifer I was sure of certain things. I had a certain amount of confidence – even after everything TheMan did.

I used to be able to spot someone like Lucifer a mile away. Normally, I never would have given him more time than it took to have a night’s worth of fun. And that’s how I originally intended it to be. He actually convinced me to come back again. He talked me into wanting to see him. And then his life imploded. I got sucked in.

I thought there was a purpose to everything happening the way it did. I believed the gods were trying me. It was supposed to be Lucifer and me. They were forcing us together. He needed me – so it was obvious to me what purpose I served in his life. But I never figured out why he was in my life. This was a two-way street, right?

And I knew what he was doing at some point. I think when he let his baby’s mother call me. Then he begged me to take him back. I knew why then. Intellectually I knew what he was doing. But I let him anyway. I thought he loved me back in some weird way and there was a fucking reason for all this chaos. There had to be.

Why would I continue to let him use me like that if I wasn’t broken? He would tell me he loved me then two days later deny he loved me at all. He would tell me I made him the happiest he’d ever been then turn around and scream at me that I was trying to trap him with me. Was I? Why would I ever put up with any of that if I wasn’t completely bonkers?

That’s what he does. It’s how he operates and I fell for all of it. So now I am trying to put myself back together and can no longer pretend. I can’t imagine that I’ve ever been anything but a dupe. Except there was a time – before TheMan and Lucifer – that I would’ve walked away from after the first night. I lost that part of me somewhere. I need to find that again. I don’t want there to be a second Lucifer. And so I’ll be alone until I get myself back together. I question everything I know now. He took advantage of that and I let him. There was nothing healthy about that. So now I heal.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

The First Big Lie

At the end he said he cared about me deeply, but he was never in love with me. I imagine he tells whoever he’s with now that I imagined it all. That he didn’t play with my head that way. That I was “dick dizzy”.

The first time he ever told me outright that he loved me was when we were having a fight. He’d flaked on me the night previously and refused to answer any of my calls or texts. It was the first time he disappeared suddenly. But this time he’d assured me he’d be home soon — and he didn’t come back until the next night.

That was a Saturday night. On Sunday I went to flea markets with my sister – determined to ignore him and move on. I’d decided already that I was done with him and I was coming to terms with that. I wasn’t completely attached yet. His spell hadn’t quite taken hold. I was strong in my determination. After the flea market I called my young friend. Then I went up there and spent the rest of the day with him and his friend.

Let me introduce you to my young friend. He’s 23 years-old and I met him through a friend. He became our designated driver when we went out and, somehow, I decided he was a good friend. He’s funny and very adorable and totally off-the-wall. He is also in love with me. I knew that then and I was probably cruel for hanging out with him so much. He knew we would never be a thing. It didn’t matter to me (or him, really). We got along, he was fun and he made me feel better when MyDude was shitty to me. my young friend is good for my ego and I’m good for his. He gets to tell people he hangs out with a MILF and I get to laugh that youngsters are hot for me. My relationship with him is weird and complicated and just about perfect. Did I mention that he and MyDude absolutely hated each other?

So, I spent the day with my young friend. We smoked a lot of weed and I was feeling very chill when I got home. MyDude had texted me begging for forgiveness, but I wasn’t having it. I was through with him. I was not going to take that kind of disrespect. Not when I had other men interested and willing to bend over backward to just hang out with me. I was going to kick him out that night, but decided he could stay until he found somewhere else.

my young friend dropped me off and I went upstairs to watch The Walking Dead. I had a very good buzz and it was the episode where Rick had to fight the gladiator zombie. I thought it was hilarious. Then I heard his car pull in. I noted the sound then went back to my show. I honestly didn’t care at that point. Fuck him, right? I was into my show and he could just fuck off. I sat there like that until 10pm, when I finally looked out the window.

He was sitting in his car, so I walked downstairs. He was busily typing a long message. I looked at my phone and, sure enough, he’d sent me quite a few really long texts. He was explaining what happened and why it wasn’t fair that I was mad and he’s so sorry. Blah blah blah. I quietly watched as he typed. He didn’t see me standing there and I didn’t let him know. Finally, when he pressed send, I knocked on the window. He looked ragged and stressed. Anxiety was written all over his face. He didn’t like confrontation. He really didn’t like looking at the pain he caused.

But I was feeling really chill. I don’t feel the rage when I’ve been smoking pot. I just kind of float on the edges of my emotions. That night I discovered it was the best way to be when dealing with MyDude and his moods. Always try to be chill. Otherwise I would lose it and losing it was never good.

When he finally got out of the car, he apologized. He was at his friend’s (he wasn’t- he was with his baby’s mom) and they were working on a truck. He didn’t think about someone waiting for him. Why did his friend need his mechanical help at 1am, I wondered. What the fuck was that about? There was no good answer. If he didn’t answer I wasn’t listening. He was lying to me and I knew it.

I told him I was done at that point. I said I didn’t want to be with anyone who would be so callous with my feelings. I didn’t want to date a coward who wouldn’t even answer a text. I was hurt and he knew it but he chose to ignore me. I was incredibly calm when I was telling him this. I watched as his face fell and his eyes darted around – thinking of how to get me back to where he needed me to be. I told him he didn’t have to leave right away, but he’d have to sleep on the couch because my bed was now off limits. I told him I deserved more respect and I wasn’t putting up with his shit.

Then he said his friend had a house in Akron and that he was going to move there. He started talking about it excitedly. As if this was some great news and I would jump for joy. Nope.

“Why the fuck are you telling me this shit right now? What the fuck is wrong with you? Don’t you understand what the fuck you did?” I screamed at him. He was shocked, but he started yelling back. I don’t remember what he said (if I’d even heard it the first time). All I know was that my heart was hurting and he didn’t seem to give a shit. I screamed some more. “You don’t give a shit about me, do you?”

“I love you, Jen. Goddamn it, I do really care about you.”

Everything stopped. It was like one of those cheesy romance movies. My head jerked around and my breath caught in my throat. “What did you just say?”

“I really do care about you.” Then he went inside – totally avoiding what just slipped out of his mouth. To this day he denies he said it at all. But it was something I’d desperately wanted to hear and he said it. He didn’t mean to say it. We were yelling at each other and he was trying to convince me not to kick him out. It was a crazy moment.

After we went inside, I stood against the refrigerator while he sat at the table. He told me he did care about me, but he wasn’t used to someone caring about him. He promised he’d never do that again and he was so, so sorry. He looked so sad. My heart hurt for him. I watched him talk for probably 15 minutes without saying anything. I have no idea what he said to me because I was thinking “I’m going to go to him eventually so I should just do it now.” I knew what the outcome was going to be, but I was making him wait. I should’ve stuck to my original plan. If I hadn’t heard those 4 words I would’ve gladly locked him out of my bedroom.

Finally, I walked over him and put my arms around him. He buried his face in my chest and hugged me back so tight I could barely breathe. MyDude is a very large, strong man and I’m a full foot and 150lbs smaller than him. When he hugged me I disappeared into him. It was an amazing feeling. Then we started to kiss and, soon, I was sitting on his lap and he was cradling me like a small child. I leaned into him and rested my head in the crook of his neck.

“I love you too.” I listened for his heartbeat. It picked up slightly but he didn’t say anything back to me. I was ok with that. Because he was someone who didn’t really talk much about his true feelings and I didn’t want to push it. That was the first time he said it out loud. I’ll never forget that.

I’ll also never forget that a few days later he tried to tell me he didn’t say it. He said he wasn’t in love with me because he couldn’t fall in love. I didn’t believe him then. I didn’t believe him when he told me numerous more times only to rescind it every single time. I didn’t believe he wasn’t capable of loving me.

I do now.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.