My divorce will be final next week – the day before Lil’lady’s birthday. I told her that and she said “Huh. That’s kind of sad.” And that was that. She’s dealing pretty well with this situation now, though it was a struggle at first. It was a struggle for both of us. And the gods know I didn’t make anything easier by bringing MyDude into our life. He and I really made a mess of everything.
Lil’lady loved him at first. She was excited for me and was always happy to see him. Her little friends1 and she nicknamed him “Tree” because he’s so large. At first, he loved her and her friends too. He liked that they were always so excited when he came around. And Lil’lady wasn’t a bit upset when he moved in. Of course, I just said it was temporary2 and left it at that.
I asked her once “Do you like MyDude?” I was trying to have a heart-to-heart with her, but that’s so difficult. My child has never had the stomach for anything sentimental. She’s very much like her grandmother in that respect. She was in no mood for a conversation with me about him. She wasn’t interested in our relationship, except that he made me happy.
“I do like him. He’s very affectionate to you. I like that.”
That was all she said. And, at the time, he was very affectionate. He’d snatch me up in the kitchen and kiss me in front of everyone. Or he’d hug me from behind. Or we’d just sit and look into each other’s eyes. At first he was amazing. Lil’lady wasn’t used to seeing adults show each other love. TheMan and I hadn’t even kissed in 7 years. And we never held hands or hugged spontaneously. We weren’t the least bit affectionate at any point that she can possibly remember. So, this was new to her. Grown ups happy with each other? It was new and strange and gave her hope.
But then he ran off with his baby’s mom. And then he gave her the phone to call me. I was with Lil Miss and Sam when she called me. We were driving to Lil Miss’s house for St. Patrick’s Day. Sam was our DD. Anyway, Horseface called me. She was so sloshed she could barely string a sentence together. I tried to remain calm, but I was livid. I wanted to kill her and him. He refused to get on the phone and talk to me. Then she sent me a picture of them sitting together – and put on his facebook that they were back together and happy. All of our mutual friends saw it. Lil’lady saw it.
I didn’t cry. I decided it was over then and I wanted my shit. We were going to drive to Horseface’s house, but I decided against it. Fuck it. Let her have him, right? Lil Miss cried all the way home. She was upset and amazed that I wasn’t crying. I was, honestly, in shock. I didn’t see any of that coming and I just couldn’t believe it. I had no tears. I had no rage. I was just numb.
The night before this all happened MyDude took me out for a night on the town. We went to a new brewhouse and had a pitcher of beer. Then we went down the street to a sports bar and met some folks with whom we had more drinks. After that we drove home for a little bit. We had some wild sex and broke the lamp. Then we left again and went to a local bar and, finally, ended up at a strip club. We went home and had more sex then fell asleep. He spent a lot of money that night and we had a fabulous time.
So when she called to tell me they were back together…I was just numb. It was a shock to my system. I was beyond that, I think. I was devastated. But I didn’t cry that time. Not in front of Lil Miss. Not that time.
After he came back Lil’lady didn’t like him. She refused to speak to him and the girls avoided him. She wanted nothing to do with him and was angry that I’d forgiven him. Right now at this very minute I hate myself because I forgave him the first time. I was enamored with him and it made me sad that my daughter hated him now. I understood though. I wish now that I’d have told him to fuck off right then. Forever gone. Buh-bye. But I didn’t. When he sat on my bedroom floor and started sobbing I just couldn’t say no to him. That was my mistake. The motherfucker knew how to play me. He was a goddamned master. He was upset for a while that the girls felt differently to him.
“I didn’t do anything to her,” he said to me one night. I just stared at him.
“What’d you do to her mother?” I asked. And the penny dropped. “You hurt me, MyDude, and that hurt my girls. She doesn’t trust you. You should work to change that.” He nodded at me as if he completely understood. But he had no intention of working on a relationship with her. That was done in his eyes. He didn’t even bother to engage her after that.
The last time Lil’lady saw him he’d popped in out of the blue to collect the stuff he’d left at my house. I was at work and he thought the house would be empty. But there was no school that day and Lil Miss was there with her youngest. So there was a houseful of people and he was forced to wait outside. Apparently the girls were busily making fun of him and laughing at him. Lil’lady told him that all of his stuff was in the fire pit. It wasn’t. As this was going on he was texting me like crazy – telling me he didn’t care if the girls were laughing at him and his car was nicer than the Cruz3 and what was taking me so long. By the time I got home he was gone with most of his stuff.
The girls wanted to burn what was left. And I considered it. But I saved it for him. A couple of weeks later he came to get it – once again while I was at work so he wouldn’t have to see me. He’s a coward in that way. He knows the damage that he did but refuses to look at it. He runs away. At least with me I faced him when I hurt him. And I would’ve stopped seeing everyone if he’d have asked. But he’s a coward. So it was easier for him to leave me.
Lil’lady wants me to start dating again. There’s a guy on my facebook who I’m kind of interested in. He’s a cool guy and he’s kind of rough. We went out with a group of people a couple of weeks ago and it was fun. But nothing happened between us. It’s mostly just messaging at this point. I don’t want to touch him or kiss him. But I’d love to sit and talk with him. Just get to know him without any of the physical stuff. Unfortunately, I have a look about me that men have decided means they can approach me as if I’m some kind of sex worker. It’s weird and I don’t like it. But when he messages me he just talks about regular shit and always asks me to come for a drink. I haven’t yet. I think tonight I might. Lil’lady has checked him out and has decided he’s suitable enough. As long as he’s not like MyDude. What happened between me and MyDude made her look at relationships a different way. I’m not sure that’s a good thing. I want something healthy so she can see that. Maybe some day I will find that. I’m not looking right now, though. Just testing the waters.
I told Lil Miss that it’s impossible for me to be a role model when it comes to relationships. I have never seen a healthy relationship in my life and I have never had one. I thought I was getting into something healthy with TheMan, but he broke me in a whole new way4. I was upset because how will my girls know what’s good or not? Lil Miss has already had a bunch of very unhealthy relationships. We just do not know how to do it. It’s incredible.
So, next week starts my new life. A new chance to finally get something right. A new slate. I’ve been having a very hard time cleaning up the mess MyDude left in my life and just yesterday found out another way he screwed me. We’ve been broken up for more than a month and I’m still dealing with his bullshit. I feel like I’m going through 2 divorces simultaneously. I’ll be glad when it’s over next week. I am so anxious to put all off this behind me and start my new life. Fuck both of them. I hope they both get gonorrhea of the eyeball.
I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.