Had a Date Last Night

So, I finally went on a date last night. I decided it was time because absolutely nothing else is working. I’m just so tired of not doing anything because someone’s tender fucking feelings are going to get hurt. Time to worry about my own feelings1. He texted me yesterday asking about when we can get together. I decided that last night was the perfect time to do it.

It’s not some dude off a dating site though. I keep trying to meet these bozos, but they think I should come to their house to “watch movies”. Man, gtfo with that shit. I say “no” to that every time. Most of those guys know what’s up then and decide to cut contact. A couple of them have persisted. The last two standing sent me either full nudes or partial nudes to get me to meet up with them. I hate to break it to you, guys, but you’re penis is not all that attractive. I don’t care about that nonsense. And I’m certainly not sending nudes back. Not worth the effort.

“I’m sorry. It’s way too early for this nonsense. How’s about asking me how I am or, I dunno, what my favorite color is? Warm me up. Put in some effort. Better luck next time.”

I’ve known last night’s date for 25 years. A long time. He was 18 and still in school when I met him. He’s now working as a drug counselor at a halfway house2. Anyway, back then I was with Bobby. This dude and Bobby were friends. I BROKE A RULE. Anyway, he told me last night that he was mean to me back in the day because he had a huge crush on me. He said he regularly dreamt about me back then. What? Ok, then. Of course, he couldn’t do anything about his feelings because Bobby would’ve probably literally killed him3. I wouldn’t have been interested anyway. Bobby and I were deeply in love. I didn’t even look at other men back then4

We had a nice chat. I told him about the time I got into a fight with his first son’s mother for what I thought was no reason. Turns out she knew he had a crush on me. She regularly accused him of sleeping with me. I guess she even tried to tell Bobby once. But we weren’t sleeping together – ever. Bobby knew that. He didn’t even bother asking me. Anyway, she saw me alone in my favorite hole-in-the-wall and decided to flex on me. She’s a rather large girl and she had a bunch of other large girls with her. I actually made the right decision that time – I took off. But I didn’t just go home. Nope. I called Bobby. Then I went with him to his friend’s house and his friend’s sister was there. They called some people and the next night we all piled into two cars to go back to the bar. Of course, this woman and her friends were there. She was waiting for me. She shouldn’t have been. Really.

We all walked into that tiny bar as a group. The look on her face was amazing. She wasn’t expecting all that. I smiled at her and then she dashed out. We followed her out. Then my friends made sure her friends kept to themselves so we could battle right and proper. I kicked that bitch’s ass all over the place. She was much bigger than I, but I’ve been fighting big people my entire life. After she was thoroughly embarrassed, she flagged down a police car. She told the cop that I attacked her. It certainly looked that way. Then the cop came to talk to me. I was sitting by myself on the curb because I’m a cute little white girl and my friends were not. He asked me what happened.

Me: “I don’t know what’s going on. I’m just trying to sober up a little.”
Him: “She says you attacked and beat her.”
Me, laughing: “Really? Officer, that doesn’t make sense. Look at me then look at her.”
Him: “Thank you, Miss”

And away he drove with her safely in the back seat. It was that was the end of that. I never saw her or her friends in that bar again.

My friend then told me she’d always been jealous of me and probably wanted to settle the score. That was probably 5 years after Bobby and I broke up. She really did hate me a lot. I don’t care. Just another fucking fan.

So, back to my date. I got an invitation to the Bahamas and New Orleans next year. I might actually go. I don’t know. We had a couple of shots and some beer then called it a night. Anything else can wait until later. I didn’t want to go back to his place and he certainly wasn’t invited to mine. And this chick doesn’t do the back seat unless that back seat is something spectacular. I’m too old for that nonsense. Plus, I mean, I really want a dude to put in some work. I am so sick of these mofos who just treat me like a placeholder for someone else. He’ll have to put forth some effort. I think I’m worth it most of the time.

Bonus: My social calendar for June is actually full now. And I’m running into July5. This is exciting for me because I didn’t do anything last summer because of, well, my depression. I refuse to sit home all the time now. Bring on the adventures. I’m ready.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. I know I do that here. It’s different out in the real world. []
  2. Yes, he knows I smoke weed. []
  3. I was off limits forever. I’m still supposed to be off limits. []
  4. Well… During the early days of our relationship. []
  5. Going to Cedar Point. I love Cedar Point. I love rollercoasters. []

Let the Summer Begin

So, I’m dating again. Did I mention that? No, because I’m too busy bringing more shit into my life. Well, let’s talk good stuff.

I met this guy from Cleveland. He’s my age and has a job, a car, and his own place. He’s freaking adorable. We talk every morning now and are close to getting to the final step. This is where my anxiety kicks in. Is he going to like me when he sees me? I don’t know why I think this because I’m not catfishing anyone. But I do enjoy talking to this guy and he’s making such a good effort to woo me.

Then there’s this other guy. He lives about 20 minutes away. He sent me some pictures this morning and his house is amazing. His body is also amazing. Not going to lie. I mean, generally I laugh at dick pics, but his came at the most opportune time. I was so pissed and then BING. There it was. Aww, thanks, fucktard. It looks like a penis – as they all do – and it looks like he likes to use it. Good for him. I know that he’s the one who won’t call after we get naked.

And he is the one I’m going to spend time with this weekend. I can tell he’s not really interested in anything long-term. So he’ll be doing his guy thing and then will ghost. That’s perfectly fine with me. I think that’s what I need right now. Just a rough-and-tumble and then “BYE!” I’m good with that. He’s a very pretty man and, apparently, has a high sex drive. That works for my purposes this weekend. Shit, I might like him so much that I’ll stop talking to the other.

Hahaha! No, I absolutely will not. Fuck monogamy. I tried it. I don’t like it. I know the risks and I know how to be safe-ish1. I have not been a believer in monogamy since I was a teenager. I think everyone cheats in some way and that we’re not designed as animals to practice monogamy. Easy peasy. I think if it works for people then good for them. But it has never been something that works for me. I always end up on the wrong side of a fucked up situation when I try it. When I wasn’t monogamous – and my men knew about each other2 – I was much happier. I didn’t give a shit if Jay showed up one night, because I could call Jason. And I refused to let myself get attached to my secondarys3. Actually, back in the 90s I refused to get attached to anyone. If I started to feel a certain way about a dude I put him to the side. I wasn’t having that.

Monogamy is for wolves and birds. And probably some kind of marine animal of some sort. It’s not for humans. It’s not for me. I waste time on that shit. Being careful not to flirt, refusing otherwise fine engagements because he might get mad, changing my behavior so he is comfortable – all the while the shady motherfucker has his penis in half the town. I don’t like that. I don’t like that my partner would risk my health and not tell me. If I know that my dude is seeing someone else then that mofo is wrapped up when he’s spending time with me. I want to be safe. I’ve never had an STD and I don’t really want one. I’ve heard they kind of suck. Anyway, that’s the way I prefer it. I don’t want to be the one who gets shit on anymore. I’m sick of it.

So, I have a thing tonight, a date tomorrow4 and a date on Sunday. Not with the same guy. This would be J, M and R5. I think there’s another J in there but I haven’t talked to him all week, so he might have to wait until next weekend.

I know I should be writing, but fuck it. Let’s have some fun.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. No one is completely safe. []
  2. I am honest about the fact that I will accept other partners if they meet my needs. I’m selfish that way. They then have the choice to accept that or move on. []
  3. Side dick? []
  4. Maybe a sleep over. Depends. []
  5. I’m not bothering naming them. []

Things I have Learned From Idiot Men

I create a lot of problems for myself. I will be the first one to admit it. I will look down at my foot and shoot that fucker right off. I am too impulsive.

I did another stupid thing last weekend. I maybe will talk about this stupid thing when I can figure how out to tell the story1, but that’s not today. I want to talk about something I learned from my experiences with my craptastic exes. You know, the ones I allowed myself to become emotionally invested in. The ones that mattered.
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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. I’ve written it and deleted it about 10 times. []

What is Going on Here? Hint: Cougar Hunting

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve got profiles on some dating sites. I’ve been more active on them lately, which means I’m getting more traffic. Now, I’ve set an age range on my profiles. I don’t want to date young guys so I’ve made the limit 35-50. Anyone in that age range is acceptable to me. But here’s the thing: I keep getting messages from really young guys. These dudes are lying about their age in order to be able to message women my age. I had some idea of MILF hunters and I’ve joked that I’m a MILF. I didn’t think that seriously though. I mean, look at me, I’m short and my hair is weird. I expected to get messages from divorced guys, to be honest. Nope.

I’m mainly getting messages from guys younger than my age range. “I’m not really 42. I’m 25.” Shit like that. I had no idea so many guys were into women my age. I have a look about me, I guess. These mofos are pretty bold, too. Most of them are really respectful about it. But some of them are pretty aggressive. One guy told me I look just like his mother and that makes him hard. He asked me if I wanted to know why. I said “No, I don’t.” But he proceeded to tell me his mommy fantasy in great detail. Holy shitballs, that made my skin crawl. I laughed about it on Twitter, but it really was very, very creepy.

I don’t do that mommy shit. I don’t do the MILF thing either. Yes, I dated a man 20 years my junior, but I didn’t think of him like that. He was my man. These kids want to me to treat them like my children and I hate that. What the hell is going on with these guys? I’ve been chatting with one young dude1 and asked him why he was interested in older women. He said “more mature, no games and loyal honest and yes sexual experience is a plus”. I laughed. He has no idea who he’s talking to. I hate it when guys say they like honesty. None of them do. I’ve never met a man who truly likes honesty. And, yet, when a dude tells me that shit I will test him every single time.

When Lucifer and I first got together we agreed that we would completely honest with each other. And we also agreed that we could see other people. I told him what I don’t know won’t hurt me. And he said he wanted me to just be open and honest with him. When we got back together the final time he admitted to me that he got really jealous when he knew I was with someone else. He got really pissed when the pup would blow my phone up. He hated when I went on dates with other people. But he’d wanted me to be honest with him. So, I was honest with him. I told him all about it. I called him at the end of one date and told him all about it on my way home.

That was a bitch move, I know. But I had no idea that this was bothering him. I knew he was seeing other people. It was only fair, right? Anyway, he was a real trooper about it. He laughed at my the jokes I retold. He wanted to know if we made out. He was chatty and sounded like he was in a good mood. I remember I was really comfortable with the conversation because he sounded ok with everything. He told me later that he wanted to kill me the entire ride home2. I felt like that’s what he got for giving me permission to be an asshole. No, that’s not really fair to say. But that’s how I felt when he told me it hurt him. “That’s what you get, motherfucker.”

And how am I attracting all of these MILF hunters? Or cougar hunters, as one guy called himself:

I really don’t want to date a guy that young again. I made an exception for someone I thought was really special and that was obviously a mistake. I don’t want to go through all of that again. And I certainly don’t want to be some mommy fetish. That’s just so much ewwww.

Lil’lady says I shouldn’t date right now… because my future ex-boyfriend lives in Georgia. I about pissed my pants when she said that. She was so adamant about it. Based on what’s going on in this dating app she doesn’t have to worry about me falling in love with some asshole who convinces me to stay. Hahaha. Yeah, that shit’s not popping off again. I want to have fun, but I don’t want to be in love. Which means I’ll probably be pulling some bitch moves.

I’m looking forward to it.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. Wtf? I’m so stupid. []
  2. He was actually driving his car and was on his way home from seeing his baby’s mom. []

Jealous Boyfriends and the Stories I Tell

I’ve been writing a book. Well, ok, not recently. But I’ve gotten quite a bit of this book done – 89,000 words. Then I met Lucifer and, well, I stopped writing it. I was going to start up again, but my dumbass gave a good portion to the pup to read and that did not go well.

What was his complaint regarding what I’d given him? Well, for one, he seemed to think that it was a erotica about the UPS driver at work. Nooo. The one character he could’ve gotten that vibe has dark hair, dark eyes and sings popera. The guy the pup was so worried about is blonde with blue eyes and, I’m pretty sure, can’t sing. Words mean things.

Quite frankly, I was really into Josh Groban and David Tennant at the time and, well, combined the two in my sex-starved1 brain. But I never even wrote any sex scenes that could’ve been misinterpreted by anyone other than a pup with low self-esteem and a really terrible best friend.
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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. At the time. []

Take My Phone, Please

I did something really stupid. Again. I’m always doing something really stupid but this is probably going to get me a blanket party thrown by both my girls. But… This is what I do when no one’s looking. I look at my life and think to myself “boy, how can I make this just a little bit more complicated (worse)?” Since I’m terrified of the joint I do my best not to break laws, so this wasn’t illegal. It just wasn’t smart at all. Can you guess what I did? Think really hard. I bet you can.

Let me end your torment. I emailed my ex. Yes, I did. Not texted. Not called. I emailed. Because why not. Then I deleted the sent email so I wouldn’t know I did it. I was drunk and my emotional side took over. That bitch.

This is something I sometimes do. I’ll send off an email or text that makes me shy, embarrassed or angry and then delete the evidence. I’m a child that way. I don’t want to re-embarrass myself. My drunk self has no sense at all. She’s insane (as evidenced by the videos I posted last Friday and then promptly deleted Saturday morning). At least the tequila makes me happy and sociable, I guess. No one tried to feed me whisky. I’d have probably called and cussed someone out in that case.

Anyway, I actually sent an apology. Just “I’m sorry I was evil. There’s no qualifications except I’m an evil bitch”. Basically. There was a bit more. I signed it “Regards, Jen”. No lie. Fucking formalities and shit. WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH MY MIND?

As I said I deleted the evidence from my sent folder1, so what am I going on about? GUESS. You’ve guessed, haven’t you?

That mofo emailed back. Not only that, but he was super sweet about it. GODDAMN IT ALL. “You’re a good woman. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” I mean, there was more, but that wasn’t the important part. I’m reading this and my eyeballs about flew out of my head. Damn it, Jennifer. Damn it all. It was all very civil actually. Honestly, I’d have expected him to cuss me out. But nope. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

And drunk emailing? Who does that? Me. That’s who. That’s how we communicated at the end. Strictly through email. My emotional bitch was fully aware of what she was doing. And now I’m cursing myself. How can I sabotage myself? Well, this is how.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. Must’ve been after going to the store for cigarettes, which I didn’t know I had until Saturday morning. []

Maybe but Maybe Not

I said somewhere else that I’m back on the dating sites and that it’s fun. That somewhere else was on this blog, but I can’t be arsed to look up which post. Anyway, I’ve been “shopping” for a few days now. And… oh my gods.

Ok, firstly, I adjusted all of my profiles1 to indicate that I’m not interested in anyone that is in a relationship2 or is regularly sleeping with their child/ren’s mother(s). Lordy, but I can’t deal with that baby’s mama drama a third time Read More

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. You thought I was on just one? Silly rabbit. []
  2. These guys are usually trying to get a third, but I’m not down. []

Wherein I Still Can’t Get a Grasp on Shit

Yesterday was such a mix of emotions and activity. I was exhausted by the end of it. Days “off” are never “off” for me.

I tried to clean out the toxins yesterday in my session. I started to. I grabbed her box of tissues and said “I’m going to need these.” She says back “Oh, man. Ok.” I didn’t accomplish much.

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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

“Breathe”

[Intro: Grant Kendrick]
I fade to black as a search for the light
Can you bring me back from this unconcious life?
Can you show me the way?
I’m lost in the dark
I’m falling apart
Can you unbreak my heart?
So I can…

[Chorus: Grant Kendrick]
Breathe
Before I suffocate
Before it’s all too late
Before I die this way
I need to Breathe
Before I slip away
While there’s something left to save
Can you help me?
I need to Breathe

[Verse 1: Grant Kendrick]
I hear the angels calling
Can you send one down?
I see the demons crawling
They’re everywhere around
Can you pull me out
From the mess I’m in
Before my lungs collapse
And there’s no turning back
I need to…

[Chorus: Grant Kendrick]
Breathe
Before I suffocate
Before it’s all too late
Before I die this way
I need to Breathe
Before I slip away
While there’s something left to save
Can you help me?
I need to Breathe

[Bridge: Grant Kendrick]
I need to Breathe
Can you hear me?
I’m screaming
I’m broken down
I’m bleeding
Help me make through
I need you
I fade to black as I search for the light
Can you bring me back from this unconcious life?
Help me

[Chorus: Grant Kendrick]
Breathe
Before I suffocate
Before it’s all too late
Before I die this way
I need to Breathe
Before I slip away
While there’s something left to save
Can you help me?
I need to Breathe

[Outro: Grant Kendrick]
Before I slip away (Can you rescue me?)
I need to Breathe
Before it’s all too late (Can you rescue me?)
I need to Breathe
Before I die this way (Can you rescue me?)
I need to Breathe
I need to
I need to
I need to… (Can you rescue me?)
I need to Breathe

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

When We Met Again

I can remember seeing him again after I hadn’t seen him in months. I was excited and nervous and my head was all over the place. He looked different from the last time I saw him. Taller, maybe. More hair for sure.

I know he saw me, but he was trying to act nonchalant. I watched him walk toward me, stopping to say something to a couple of people. His eyes would flit to me then away. I didn’t take my eyes off him. I’m not exactly sure if I was breathing. I resisted the overwhel.ing urge to run to him and sweep him into my arms – as much as anyone my height could sweep anyone his height. My arms twitched. I was anxious.

He finally looked directly at me and that smile… That smile almost made me cry it was so bright and gorgeous. I felt the heat behind my eyes and beat it back fiercely. No tears. Not even happy ones.

Then he was standing in front of me. Just standing there smiling, his eyes wide and bright.

“Hi.” He didn’t move. I didn’t move. I took in his face. He looked so different. Better.

“Hey, you.” No sooner than the words were out of my mouth I was reaching up and he was reaching down. And finally – FINALLY- we were in each other’s arms. There was no sweeping up of anyone. He didn’t lift me; I didn’t jump. He wrapped his tall, lanky frame over and around me. He came down to me. I buried my face in the nape of his neck and clutched at his hair in an effort to make myself part of him. I’d been waiting so long…

His arms wrapped completely around my body and I fell into him. I moved closer. I needed more. He was here and I never, ever wanted him to leave again. I was holding on for dear life. I could feel his long fingers in my hair, his face buried in my neck. We’d become one right there with that hug.

I was completely happy in that moment. Overjoyed. Over the moon. Full of hope and love. I’d missed him so much. He missed me. He loved me. I loved him. The hug didn’t last long, I think. I don’t remember how our bodies separated, but it felt cold when it happened. He didn’t move far from me. Did he miss me as much? I’ll never know now. I’ll never know what he felt that day.

I remember that day. All of it. From the time I woke up until I finally kissed him. That kiss took me so far away. It was beautiful and sweet and full of yearning. He never stopped smiling. He never stopped watching. I remember my sister telling me she was fighting to keep her hands off him. I barked at her that he was off limits. He’s mine. No sharing. I remember watching him get his bearings and wishing we could just go lie down together. I forced myself to stop touching him, hugging him, being in his space. I didn’t want to be anywhere else. We were reunited. And this time I was going to go for it.

I remember the day I first saw him again. And it breaks my heart all over again.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.