Going it Alone

I took the trash out to the curb this morning and, for the first time, I only had to carry one can to the curb. This is the first time in 15 years that it’s just me taking care of a child. I mean, yes, I knew before, but I wasn’t the only adult in the house even after TheMan and I split up. I had my sister and everyone else who came over until Lucifer moved in. And even then we always had company. My family was making up for lost time, I think. Now that I was free they were free to be around me again. Then I had Lucifer with me and, well, everything that entailed.
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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

I’m Sick of Pretending

I’d like to make a confession.

I am terrified right now. I know what I need to do to go forward. I know what’s required to survive. I used to be so resilient. I’d bounce back from anything the fates threw at me.

But there’s been too much bouncing. Too many times I’ve had to find the pieces of my shattered life and putting them back together.

There has been too much goddamned loss. There ate too many scars. There are too many pieces of me cut off. This last time was too much. I just knew deep in my soul that he lives me. But he didn’t. I was wrong again. And I broke my own heart.

Moving won’t bring any if what I’ve lost back. I will always be missing pieces. I will always have this hole in my middle. I’ve run before. Then I came back and lost even more. I’ve hurt myself beyond measure. The fates have taken my confidence. They’ve left me dangling in the wind. I’m not getting stronger here. I’m not finding what I’ve never had. I had it. And then it was gone. Poof!

I have a story to tell and it’s a long one, folks. I hope you read to the end, but I think you already know the end.

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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

Another Teenage Mom

Last night I found out my 16 year-old niece is pregnant. She put her ultrasound up on Instagram. She announced her “bean” will be here in December and her family helpfully congratulated her on her news. Congratulated her for becoming a teenage mother. Is no one explaining to that child what kind of life she can expect? How hard it will be for both her and the child? No. I can almost guarantee that no one will sit her down and talk to her about the new reality she is facing.

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A Time to Reset and Rebuild

I become my own self-fulfilling prophecy

I wrote that last summer while I was dealing with the fall out from Lucifer. I was editing out Sam’s real first name1 out of a couple of places and ran into a post wherein I blame myself for what happened with Lucifer. I’m good at making myself feel like shit. Anyway, the above line pretty much sums it all up, I think2.

Today is Easter. I don’t really celebrate except for the kids and Easter candy, etc. But the whole point of the day for Christians is that Jesus is risen and he’s able to finally be who he was meant to be3. Spring is a time of renewal – a time when light finally begins to win over the dark. It’s when we in the winter climes begin to breathe a sigh of relief. Winter – and the darkness – are behind us now. Now comes the rain to wash away the cold hardness of winter. Easter is celebrated as a Christian holiday.

I celebrate it for the hope it brings. Hope for new things, new warmth, and new chances.

Spring is my favorite time of the year. It’s exciting to me to see the robins come or the daffodils emerging from the soil. I love song of all the birds coming home from their winter foraging. Everything becomes shiny and colorful again. The grass becomes green again and the trees begin to show leaves. Spring is the beginning. It’s the start. We celebrate our New Year in mid-winter. But we should mark it in the spring. Everything becomes new again.

I’ll be a bit sad this year. I so enjoyed the yard at my old house. Anyone who follows me on Twitter should remember this. Whether it announcing the hatching of the dove babies or the antics of my Drunk Neighbor. Or just sitting in the back yard under my trees. The bird nests in my bushes with baby bunnies hidden beneath. The squirrel nests that eventually led to frolicking baby squirrels on my porch. I loved watching my heirloom, lavender rose bush just starting to bloom. My lily garden finally emerging and those fucking ants eating them.

I haven’t really dealt with the loss of my home. Because it was so much more than a house with a yard to me. Spring was the most wonderful time there. My yard would come alive. And I loved it. People say “you didn’t really lose that much. At least you’re still alive”, but they don’t realize that the house itself wasn’t what was important. It was the home it represented. The security and stability of it. It was memories, hopes, dreams and traditions.

I still love this season, but I won’t be working out in the yard or watching the babies be born. I won’t be sitting on my porch watching my neighbors in the evening. It won’t be the same at all this year. This year will be the rebirth of me, I think. That’s what this spring will mark. The restart of the beginning of my new life. It’s just Lil’lady and me now. I’ll be cultivating something entirely different this year. I hope I don’t fuck it up.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. Sam is still not his real name, guys. []
  2. I’m still trying to decide if it’s grammatically correct. []
  3. I’m probably wrong. Whatever. []

Do Not Google

I went to hang out with a long-time friend who is also a man. I’ve known him since I was 14. He’s a hoot. Anyway, we didn’t hang out during my relationship with the young dude because dude was super jealous. He was convinced my friend wants to get in my pants1. Anyway, he asked me to hang with him and I said “sure”. He’s funny and we cut up. What better medicine for a broken heart?

Turns out he’s just been through a breakup too. Or, at least, he and his girl are fighting. We talked about the strains of being in a relationship and what people expect from us for a while. It was kind of refreshing to talk to a dude about all this stuff – because I get to see inside a man’s head. His girl asked him if he wanted to come sit at her job until she got off. He wanted to go home so told her that and to text him when she got home. He told me that she just kept asking the same question until finally he said he’d already answered her. Her response? “But it’s not the answer I was looking for.”

What is so fucking hard about telling someone you care about “I would like for you to come here and keep me company?” I have no idea. He laughed when I asked that. “Exactly.” She was doing the whole hint-until-he-gets-it thing. Everyone hates that shit. That’s some nonsense TheMan would’ve pulled. Then, of course, these people get irate when they’re hint doesn’t go over as well as they’d thought.

So, I guess they’re not talking anymore. At least not for a while. He sounded like that made him a little sad. I told him the bare bones about what happened with my young dude. He offered no sage advice or any other comment. He just nodded. No apparent judgement. And that was the end of that subject. He understood that I love my dude. He understood that I’m also doomed.

So, the convo turned to other things and we started talking about the interwebz, memes and the devil’s own website, Facebook. I told him about some of my most magnificent trolls and how some of them became my friends. The conversation turned to some of the things I’ve come across. I recounted the first time I ever saw a goatse. He looked confused. I laughed. Oh, yeah?

I pulled out my phone and googled the image. His reaction was priceless. For the record, he knew it was going to be gross. He was prepared for that2 and yet… He was not at all prepared. I must’ve laughed for a full 5 minutes. It was a bad way to get a laugh, but I have no regrets.

It’s also a good way to dissuade any kind of ideas. I’m too gross to be taken seriously as a rebound now. I hoped he didn’t make any moves, but just in case I deployed the “I’m no lady, champ” defense missile. It works in most cases. Also, he bought me skittles. Sure sign that I need to get ahead of this disaster before it even unfolds. Otherwise, I was glad to get out of the house and around someone with my sense of humor.

On another note: My other sister told me today that my young dude’s grandmother goes to her church and asked my sister to pray for him. My sister then told her to please pray for me. So, yeah, that’s not at all weird.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. Doesn’t matter that he should trust me or that we’ve been friends so long without ever engaging with each other romantically or sexually. []
  2. This is the conversation we were having. []

Because Someone Asked

My good friend asked me (via Twitter) to tell her what’s going on in my life. So I came here to see if I’d done this anytime recently. Except for my post about Biff, I guess I haven’t. My life is pretty uninteresting nowadays and most people that read this blog don’t give two hoots about what’s happening with my job.

Now, I did think I had a draft about my shitty employer (but thank the gods I have a job and am making some dollahs1 where so many people are not working) but I seem to have deleted it or maybe I didn’t save it or whatever. Doesn’t matter. It’s not there. Spooky…

Anyway, about my life…

!!CAUTION: Whining and Bitching ahead!!!

The Finances

I told some people somewhere that TheMan has been laid off. I’m pretty sure it’s on this very blog, but I’m not looking. So, he got laid off temporarily in January and then permanently at the end of March. That meant that we were going to survive on his unemployment and my tips (and sorry ass $3.65 an hour). So, we went to the Employment Source website and followed their sorry instructions on how to reopen the claim. We couldn’t figure the shit out so he called their number and spoke to some woman who gave us the wrong fucking directions. That led us to being denied for that week—which we appealed.

A couple of weeks later we get an extra payment deposited in the bank. This means that our appeal was granted and we were allowed to have that money. Right? WRONG. Big fat fucking wrong.

Two days later2 we get some mail from those shitty motherfuckers. Our appeal was denied and we were to pay them back that money. If we thought we were getting screwed then, of course we could appeal and we also could call them to set up payment installments so as not to lose our entire week. So, we appealed. But we couldn’t call.

Because we got the fucking notice on Friday after their offices were closed.

TheMan calls on Monday to set up the arrangements until we hear about our newest appeal. Guess what? Those shitty motherfuckers had already taken this week’s check. They didn’t even give us enough time to arrange a repayment schedule. So now we don’t get paid this week either. Motherfuckers.

But wait, there’s more…

So, this is going on and we get a notice stating that our insurance is cancelled but we’re allowed to do the whole COBRA thing. For a mere $920 a month we can keep our insurance for 90 more days. Well, of course we don’t have that kind of money and so our insurance lapses. But there’s a notice on the board at my job. Open enrollment has arrived and we have until May 20th to sign up. Then I get a postcard in the mail telling me I qualify for open enrollment—it’s got my name on it and everything. I follow the directions, get the packet from my manager and then go home and enroll online.

The webpage says that I’m good as soon as they take money out of my check—which will be the next pay day. Whee! I’m excited. I need my medication to get around every day and I need to be able to keep in touch with my doc. All is good.

Until I check my paystub. No deductions for insurance.

Go to work and find out that as a server I don’t qualify for the insurance. There’s a lot more to that about why servers don’t qualify, but I’m not going to go into that. I want to know why the fuck I got that stupid postcard and why that notice was posted in the service area of my work. Of course, no one tells me34 and they act like I should’ve used my psychic powers to figure it out. Just lovely.

Which had led me to seek new employment with a company that does allow their servers some kind of insurance—Applebee’s. Just an FYI if you care about which companies give a flying fuck about the people taking your order when you eat out.

Anyway…

The Family

Lil’ Miss has turned 18 and moved out. She decided that if she had to follow rules, help clean the house and generally respect the members of this household, she was going to be the head of her own home. So, she saved up money and grabbed some tax refund and off she went. Did I mention she moved in with her fiancé? Yeah, she did.

She’s been out about a month now and is doing well. We actually get along better this way because we don’t fight for control. She’s seeing how tough it is to live on your own, though and that’s giving her a lot of grief. Every so often she’ll call me asking for some financial assistance and I help her out if I can. We bought her some groceries and some other things5, but her bills are all getting paid on time and she’s even managing to save a bit here and there for her own car.

When she first moved out I was worried that she would be back within a month. So far I’m way wrong and I’m happy about that. She’ll be graduating at the end of next month—which worried me and again I was proved wrong—and then she’s going to start college in the fall. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that she keeps on doing so well. She may have actually learned something from all of those lectures while she was growing up. I certainly hope so. I’m really very proud of her right now.

TheMan and I are doing ok. Not fantastic. We’re still recovering from his infidelity. Every so often I want to smack him right in the mouth just because I have a flashback of when and how I found out. I don’t do that, of course. The point is that the rage is still there every so often. I’m not sure how that’s going to work out in the long run, but right now we have other things to worry about and that takes most of my time. We do a lot with Lil’lady, who has taken over her sister’s old room and declared herself a “growed lady”. I have some pictures of our latest outing somewhere and might post them eventually (at least to my flickr).

There’s a whole other post brewing about the extended family. They suck donkey balls and I’m not in the least bit happy with any of them. There’s a lot of whining involved with that shit too, but this post is getting so god-awful long that I don’t want to include it right now.

School

Meh. Semester is over in two weeks. No fabulously hawt professors to keep me interested.

Good News

I’m still alive and kicking. Does that count?

Also I bought a new Dell Hybrid, which I didn’t really need but for which I’ve been pining for months6. How? Well, here’s a funny story:

One night I was minding my own business, playing Mafia Wars of some such shit7 and Lil’ Miss calls me. She tells me that her dad called her and is pissed because the government took $2500 of his tax refund for back child support. I was all like “Wha..?” I hadn’t checked the child support payment since September or October. I didn’t know anything about a huge chunk of changing sitting in that account.

So, I called the number on the back of the card and the robot-lady tells me that $800 was deposited in my account on December 8, 2008. Again I’m all like “Wha..?” I’m pissed that I didn’t know about that money before this. I certainly could have used it at Christmas time. Didn’t these people send notices anymore?

Then I get to thinking. I have $800 that no one but me knows about. It’s all mine. I rub my hands together gleefully then glare ominously at my old, worn-out computer. “You are so toast!” I tell it. Then I go online to my employers employee portal8 and click on their Dell account. I pick out my computer. I purchase my computer. I laugh hysterically.

Immediately the guilt sets in. Fuck! We can’t afford a computer—even if it was only $500. Dammit! I thought seriously about cancelling the order. I paced. I chewed my finger nails. I sat down. I stood up. Then I decided to tell my husband what I’d done so he’d get pissed and demand I return it, saving me from the pain of making that decision.

He said to me:

“Good for you. You need something nice. Can I get a grill?”

HOLY SHITBALLS.

5 days later FedEx shows up and I have my new computer. Like a kid waiting for Santa, I threw open the door and clapped my hands. Pathetic. Then Lil’lady and I opened, set it up and we’ve been enjoying it every since.

And, no, I don’t feel guilty about it anymore.

Ok, that’s all that I can get into with one longer-than-life, TLDR post.

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  1. Intentionally spelled that way, grammar/spelling freaks. []
  2. Friday []
  3. yet another post about their lack of respect for FOH employees []
  4. FOH = Front of House []
  5. Most of their furniture is from us, actually. []
  6. The emerald one, of course. []
  7. My addiction to which can be laid squarely at O’Tim’s feet. []
  8. Where I’d signed up for fucking insurance. []
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    With Friends Like This…

    I was going to write about a post I saw recently that started an uproar in the “mommyblogger” community. I was going to write how I can’t stand the term “mommyblogger” and why—including the evolution of the term as I’ve seen it happen online. And I was going to explain that I’m against telling anyone what to write on their own blog and will just not read it if it doesn’t interest me. Then I was going to mention that I’m a mother and I blog which should make me a “mommyblogger” but this inclusive term refers to an exclusive club.

    Then I caught site of a Twitter conversation that involved the hashtag #letsfixdinner. I have nothing against that specific hashtag, mind you. I was just paying attention to one blogger who happened to be using it.1

    In response to things Deb on the Rocks was saying I retweeted:

    RT @debontherocks Throw in a little child slave labor 4 ur chocolate, &Stouffers/Nestle adds up 2 #letsfixdinner on the backs of Africa kids

    I think I picked up a follower with that because of the use of that hashtag. Well, I don’t ever blindly follow someone on Twitter2. If I did that I’d be following a bunch of SEO folks and some serious teabagging wingers. So, I checked this new follower and went to her website. She’s proudly blogging for Wal-Mart.

    Now, anyone that has followed my blog knows that I hate Wal-Mart. With a passion. I worked there a number of years ago and learned enough about them to initially dislike them. Then I researched them more and that’s when the hate started. I have nothing good to say about the company or it’s practices. And I can in no way support what they’re doing, not even by following one of their “eleven moms” on Twitter. No way am getting suckered into clicking a link that might lead to a post in support of Satan’s favorite mega mart.

    By the way, I don’t give a shit if any of those bloggers are paid by Wal-Mart or not. I don’t care if they’re doing it for free stuff or out of the goodness of their hearts. I am morally and ethically opposed to Wal-Mart’s business practices and the way they treat their own people.

    Wal Mart doesn’t care about women and specifically doesn’t care about mothers. So why do women bloggers—especially “mommybloggers” support them this way? The reason they’re reaching out to bloggers is so that they can try to change their image, without actually changing their practices. You say “Well, they’ve got good bargains/prices/blah” I say “What’s the real cost of those bargains?”

    What do you mean you don’t know? Or do you mean that you don’t care?

    (This one’s a little long, folks.) Read More »

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    1. I do have an issue with following a link to a website, looking for a list of sponsors, partners and contributors and finding blank pages. []
    2. Meaning follow back just because they follow me []

    I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

    I Felt Their Pain

    This post was written over the course of a few days. I couldn’t decide where I was going with it and even if I wanted to post it. But here it is.

    I am having a difficult day today. I saw on Twitter that another baby has died. Last week it was little Maddie Spohr, who was 17 months old. And today it’s Thalon Myers, just under 4 months old. I don’t want to link to them, because I don’t want any trackbacks to here to diminish what those families are experiencing1. Each death is a tragedy and each child was a gift. But, selfishly maybe, hearing about little Thalon brought back the pain of my own loss.

    There was a link to a list of suggestions on how to approach and comfort a mother who has just experienced such a loss. The suggestions there are very helpful. If I’d have known about that list I’d have handed it out to every person that came into contact with me after Gabriel died. It seemed that everyone thought it was ok to say things like “You’re still young” and “You can always have another one”.

    I was so utterly angry after Gabriel’s funeral that I’m pretty sure there was nothing anyone could say that would comfort me. Most of what I heard through my fog just caused me more grief. My aunt even told me at one point “You still have that one” (meaning Lil’ Miss). I’m sure she meant well, but I still haven’t gotten over the rage I felt at hearing it. As if Gabriel was just a throw-away and I should be thankful for being able to bear children at least. Pfft.

    But the absolute worst part was hearing the sounds of other children or hearing stories of other children. My child was dead and I couldn’t love him or mother him or do any of the things that other mothers could do with their living children. I didn’t want to hear about them because it just hurt so damned much. And that made me even more angry.

    I was reading Heather Spohr’s account of bringing her Maddie’s ashes home and that brought back all of those memories too. Gabriel’s funeral was on Monday and on Wednesday I went to pick up his box2 and nearly lost my mind. I was bringing my son home in a box. How unfair was that? There was no new baby smells, no crying, no cuddling. Inside the box was a small, Ziplock sized bag that contained what remained of his physical body. Imagine two cups of flour. That’s about the equivalent of what was left of my son. I thought it ironic too that there was a pad lock with numbers holding the bag together3. Who was going to steal him? Did they think I was going to inhale him? After I looked inside that box, my soul left my body, I think, and I was left empty. I couldn’t breathe– literally. I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t hear anything besides my own heart exploding. I closed that box and didn’t open it again for 2 years.

    When I went through the comments to both Heather and Shana (Thalon’s mom) I was reminded of what kinds of things I hated hearing while I was deep in my grief. So many people left them heartfelt condolences and didn’t mean to be hurtful, but so many of those comments would have sent me (during my grief) into a spiral.

    To me the worst thing would be to be reminded that someone somewhere has a living child. For example, “I hugged my little one a little tighter today in your child’s honor” is meant to offer comfort, but is hurtful to a newly grieving mother. She can’t hug her child anymore. Her child is gone and the above comment just brought the pain of that realization to the surface.

    Another one was “When my twin toddlers came running to me today…” Again, a new grieving mother can no longer experience whatever it was that those toddlers did. She lost that when she lost her child. That is agony for her. The sentiment of the comment will be realized later, but when she initially sees that her grief and pain will be compounded. It’s inevitable. I don’t think that anyone who has never lost a child can understand why being sentimental about your living child to a newly grieving mother can make things just a little bit worse. Or, if she was like me, a whole lot worse.

    I knew for three months in advance that Gabriel was going to die. I had grief counseling before he was even born. I was warned that people would say things that were meant well but that would hurt me. I was supposed to be prepared. I wasn’t. I can’t imagine what it’s like for a mother to all of the sudden loss her child. For her baby to be there one minute and lost the next. I can’t imagine that, in those situations, those mothers are any better at handling stories of living children than I was.

    I’m lucky in two respects (as compared to other mothers who have lost their children): I knew Gabriel was going to die and he died shortly after birth. So I was prepared and I didn’t get weeks, months or years of bonding time with him. But I still lost my mind when the mortuary came for his little body. I still lost my mind when I saw living children. I still lost my mind when I brought that box of ashes home. But I didn’t have those memories of him to torment me even more. Just my two days with him in the hospital. That didn’t diminish my pain, of course, but I didn’t have the shock and all that goes with having a living child which would, no doubt, add to the struggle for breath. I am heartbroken for Heather and Shana, but can’t offer them comfort because there is none. Not right now.

    I hope that both mothers stay away from their blogs and Twitter for a while. Even when you think you’re strong and you think you understand what is being said, the pain still grips you just a little tighter when living children are mentioned. They have lost that when they lost their babies. They don’t need to be constantly reminded of their loss by well-meaning people who think all children bring comfort and joy. That’s just not so for mothers who have just lost one of their own.

    Two things helped me when I was grieving.

    One was to be part of a support group for grieving parents (as opposed to grieving spouses and such). Being able to talk and to listen to other people that have been where I was brought me a little peace of mind. I learned that what I was feeling was normal and that it was ok to feel all of those negative things I was feeling. I didn’t have to be polite when someone was being thoughtless. I didn’t have to journey alone.

    The second one was gardening. I started by planting a tree as a living memorial for Gabriel. Then I repotted all of the plants I’d received at his funeral. They were just more living, growing memorials to my son4. Then I made flowerbeds so I could display little garden statues and plaques in his honor. I picked perennials so they would keep coming back. I took care of those plants like they were my child. I talked to them, I fed them, I weeded them. I mothered those plants. I was productive and that eased my mind tremendously.

    My advice to anyone wishing to offer comfort to Heather and Shana is to just offer condolences and maybe point them to other mothers who can offer understanding. As much as you want to do so, you just can’t understand their pain unless you’ve traveled their road. There is a tremendous comfort in being heard by someone who has survived their own pain and remember what it felt like.

    And please, though you mean well and are seeking to lessen their pain, don’t mention your own living children. Not now. They will only feel unfairly reminded of their own tragic loss. The wound is so fresh, the heartbreak so recent and the hole so gaping that it will not help them right now.

    Update:
    I just wanted to say that I didn’t intentionally ignore the fathers who have lost their children. They experience it a little differently– and sadly, are expected to be stronger. Their own grief is pushed aside as society, I think, doesn’t expect them to feel pain at the loss of their child. That’s incredibly unfair to the fathers and I in no way want to diminish their grief. I wrote this post from a mother’s perspective and shared my own feelings.

    Sour Grapes has also felt the sting of loss and offers this from the comments:

    The comfort for those mothers (and fathers) will come when they realise you can actually survive such a blow. Your life can go on. But that’s not something to suggest at this stage.

    My advice to friends of the bereaved: don’t try to make it better, or make it less. Try to see that it’s at least as bad as your friend is making it out to be (she’s actually trying to make it easy for you). Never dismiss the sorrow, the rage, the anger, the frustration. If you can’t handle it up close, stay away and send a nice card. You’ll get your chance to be chirpy and upbeat later.

    He’s right. The parents will feel guilty for causing your discomfort while they grieve. They don’t want to burden you with their own pain. I do remember 6 or 7 weeks after Gabriel’s funeral when someone said to me “You’re still crying? Isn’t it time to get over it?” I wasn’t over it. Am still not “over it”, though I’ve learned to let go. Give them time. Mommy and Daddy will need so much time. More than you can possibly understand. And, yes, realize that they are both trying to make this whole experience more easy for you by not letting loose with all of their feelings. Just because the mothers and fathers seem “ok” and “courageous” and “graceful” doesn’t necessarily mean they feel that way.

    memorial to Gabriel.

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    1. Oops. Too late. []
    2. His ashes were put in a picture box instead of an urn and we put a picture of him in it. []
    3. The state of Ohio requires a serial number for all cremations. []
    4. I still have them all, as a matter of fact, save for the tree which was left behind when we moved. []

    I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

    Your Karma Hurts Us Too

    Caution: Convoluted Religious Discussion Ahead.
    Hover over the footnote links to see what they say without scrolling to the bottom.

    I’m a believer in Karma. Not the Hindu version, though it’s similar. I say “Karma” because I have no other word for it and people mostly know to what I’m referring when I say it. Anyway, my version is more closely related to the Wiccan “Three Fold Law”. That basically says that whatever energy you put out into the universe is returned to you three times. I don’t agree with the “threefold” part of that, but it’s pretty close. And my belief in Karmic law is the very core of my spiritual beliefs. I have gotten to a point in my life where all of my major life decisions/actions are thought out based on where I sit in the universal justice system. I don’t blame anyone for anything “bad” that may have happened to them1, but there are lessons to be learned throughout the spirit’s journey2.

    My philosophy is simple: Equal justice– good or bad. If you’re good to someone/something, then you will be rewarded. And that’s true in reverse. Not many people can clearly appreciate that this means, to me, pretty much all the good and bad. That the energy (if you want to call it that) balances out one way or the other. And that balance will most definitely include anyone directly in your sphere of influence3 — close family and friends, such as your spouse and children. My belief is that past life adjudications affect whose sphere you’re in during any period of time and a huge combination of different things helps decide the justice you receive (which is not necessarily doled out on a daily basis, mind you).

    I can’t tell you any kind of specifics because those would vary per person and circumstance and the decisions already made during the current lifetime4. Those are the things you (as in your soul) must figure out and learn through your current journey/lesson. The beginning and causes of the justice are not known to your conscious self (current embodiment), but you’ll recognize when you need to make a life altering decision based on what your soul already knows5.

    Anyway, most people don’t really appreciate my philosophy because, well, it doesn’t sit well with them when bad things happen. My mother almost blew a gasket when I told her my thoughts on my son’s death. Until she insisted that Lil’lady was him and then I blew the gasket, but that’s neither here nor there. Most people are more content to think “There’s a reason for everything6” or that “God has a plan7 “. That’s fine and that’s the reason I don’t really share my core beliefs with anyone. I won’t argue about it because I can’t be unconvinced. But I’m not blaming anyone because that’s not my place. My place is to thoroughly examine my own actions in my own life and determine if they should be adjusted and fine tuned and to accept whatever the fates will put upon me. Ah, but that’s not sitting well, is it?

    Now, back to the sphere of influence8 and how your Karma can affect those around you. It’s all well and good when you’ve hit the lottery/won a trip/lived through a surgery, but what about when you’re being punished for a negative action? Of course, since most people don’t believe in this9 they don’t think about this. For instance, TheMan doesn’t believe in Karma. He doesn’t believe in the universe’s justice system and doesn’t think what he does now10 affects the rest of us negatively. He’s wrong.

    My friends know what he did. His actions caused a lot of hurt and traumatized the family. That’s a lot of negative energy thrown into the winds. During that time, I worked on what I could do to better myself, keep the family together and stop the overturning of our little boat. I thought a lot about revenge and how I could make him suffer just as bad as I was. I considered things like poison ivy in the underpants, slicing of the tires, calling of the boss and tipping her off that drug use was happening11. I made lists. Then I set them aside and went on with my life.

    I’d encountered Karma many times in my life. After getting smacked around about a million times, I’m pretty sure I learned my lesson where she is concerned. I knew that I wouldn’t get out from under her justice were I to follow my instincts. Sadly, I was left with only revenge fantasies. Which sort of pulled me through the darkest time. And, by the way, I recognize my own fault in the justice that was meted on me. This is, once again, part of the core of my belief system. It was my job to learn from that and repair whatever damaged I had previously caused.

    At any rate, his “bad” Karma increased significantly and he began to receive the justice for that. Because it’s a very personal thing, he was struck financially12. He was given opportunity to see the error of his ways and to get back on the right side of Karma. He started to at one point. But his penance hadn’t been fully paid when he began to backslide. So, again he was served a blow to the head. I told him he had to make right. He didn’t get it.

    Now his actions are once again negatively affecting us– those in his sphere of influence. He’s been laid off permanently (when before it was just a week), been denied unemployment for 2 weeks, we’ve lost our insurance and denied a job for which he was vying. He’s become dependent on me, which seriously eats at him. My income has been sustaining us and that just kills him. So, we’re at a point where he’s losing faith again and trying to find his “manhood” again. I say to him “Do something good for your community” and make plans for us to volunteer. He doesn’t want to work for free. I gather things up to give to charity. He wants to sell it. I do it anyway– for him. But it doesn’t matter, because he won’t do the good for himself.

    He doesn’t get it. Most people don’t. But the universe will make right what he’s wronged. And he will eventually be forced to learn his lesson13. And I’m struggling to keep up good spirits and not allow myself to become angry, bitter and vengeful because we’ve been through too much14. I want us to do well and get over this. It’s been so very tiresome. I’m ready to move on.

    Recently I had an opportunity to get a job with a local publisher. Well, not really local, but within 20 miles. I would have to drive to work every day, but would get decent pay and benefits. I missed that opportunity because TheMan was worried he wouldn’t be able to get to this new job he was hoping to get. I agreed to wait and see– even though this job would have been perfect for me and great experience toward my degree. Then his job didn’t materialize and mine went to someone else. I’m a little bit angry about that. How much sacrificing am I supposed to do here? By giving up that job, did I help repay his Karmic debt at all?

    I do think I got a slight reward for my sacrifice, but that’s a more personal thing I don’t really want to get into here. I just hope my “luck” isn’t running out and that TheMan starts thinking less of himself and more of his impact on the lives around him.

    Popularity: 8% [?]


    Sphere: Related Content

    1. Plenty of “bad” has happened to me, by the way. []
    2. Death does not equal “bad” either, by the way. It’s a natural part of the life cycle. []
    3. Directly affected by your life’s events. []
    4. What? You didn’t know I’m a believer in reincarnation? []
    5. This requires more explaining and I’m not going there with this post. []
    6. What is the reason, then? []
    7. Aren’t you curious what it is? []
    8. I wish I had better names for this stuff. []
    9. Except when they say stuff like “Karma’s a bitch!” []
    10. Or who he did, as the case may be. []
    11. There was none, but the test would have had to be done, right? []
    12. Finances are the most important thing to him. []
    13. Another part that I’m not explaining here. []
    14. Yes, including counseling. Just an FYI []

    I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

    Dancing Naked or Something

    Guess what? I just read something on the intertubes that pissed me off. Surprised, aren’t you? Here’s the money quote:

    There are a ton of family-oriented, religious and conservative people in the network[…] I try really hard to be open minded about things such as gay marriage and sexual freedoms but draw the line at exploiting women and children[…]1

    Based on the context of the quote (about ads running on blogs and whether bloggers can reject or accept them) I’m inclined to believe that the author here is saying that the family-oriented, religious and conservative bloggers are one in the same and that special consideration should be taken for them because they are somehow good. I take that to mean non-conservative and/or religious2 bloggers aren’t really “family-oriented”? Ok, maybe the author didn’t mean that and, with that in mind, this post is in no way directed at the person saying that nonsense. However, I see this kind of wording a lot. The “good” people are the “religious” and “conservative” ones and the ne’er-do-wells are the other side of the coin– you know, people like atheists, pagans3 and liberals. None of us can possibly be “family-oriented” apparently, according to those who are ideologically opposed to us.

    And how does one equate gay marriage with exploiting women and children? Does my belief that gay adults who love each other be allowed to legally marry somehow bode ill for my fellow women and their offspring? What the fuck am I missing there?

    I’ll tell you what I’m missing. I’m missing the fact that I am a good mother and that I do care about women and children. Not only those in my own family, but those in the house next door to me and across the street. I care if they have enough food in their cupboards or means to get decent health care. I care enough about the people in my hood that I will fight for them to get their basic fucking needs met while I’m busy taking care of my own family.

    I care that people who have been together for 50 years and were finally allowed to marry found their union annulled because a bunch of bigots spent a lot of money to make people think somehow gay people were going to contaminate the drinking water with all their gay love. I care that grown people who’s private lives don’t affect mine negatively were once again denied the right to the same fucking legal protections my own marriage affords me. Why? Because OMG marriage is sacred.

    Tell that to the two idiot fucking heterosexuals who almost destroyed my marriage and my family. They weren’t negatively influenced by the homosexual love. No, they were just letting their heterosexual hormones ruin all our lives. Where were all these “religious” and “conservative, family-oriented” people then? Oh, that’s right. It’s only sacred when people are trying it and those people give us the heebie-jeebies. The icky people are destroying the fabric of America, and if your heterosexual marriage is struggling… well, you suck as a wife and probably should learn to give better blow jobs4.

    I’m a flaming liberal and am damned proud of it. I’m also proud of the fact that I’m a damned good mother who has instilled a strong sense of community and compassion into my children. My girls are smart and gifted and care about the world around them. They know– because their heathen mother taught them — that they don’t live in a vacuum and their success is directly related to the success of their neighbors. Why? Because we can’t do it alone and when one of us fails we all fail. Give one person (corporation) too much power and that person (corporation) will destroy us with greed.

    How is it that liberals, gblt, and a/non-religious folk can’t be good and “family-oriented”? I look at my children and see love, compassion, goodness and am proud that they are that way. When my daughter gets pissed because some idiot kids are harassing an immigrant and stands up for that child, I feel pride. When my youngest daughter sees another child sitting away from the group and makes an effort to include that child, I feel pride. My children give to charity and worry about recycling. They are good citizens of this earth.

    I get up in the morning with my children and make breakfast. I talk to them, worry about them, wash their clothes, but mostly just spend time with them. I am (mostly) patient and instructive and free with the hugs and kisses. Occasionally I utter a profanity, usually because I’m overdoing something or feeling a bit passionate about something. Sometimes I find some time for myself and write in my anonymous, personal blog about something that gets my goat. But then I’m back in the fold of my family5 and doing “family-oriented” stuff.

    I find it personally offensive that there are so many people that proclaim that liberals and glbt folk can’t possibly be family-oriented, especially when there are so many who proclaim they are but then would deny healthcare and parents6 to children less fortunate than theirs. I find it contemptible that the only kind of “good” people are the “religious” kind when I know so many people who have no religion but who do whatever they can to help the world around them7.

    But wait! It’s the liberals and glbts that have the porn sites and who run ads full of frontal nudity and things that children shouldn’t be allowed to look on, is it? Good “family-oriented, religious, conservative” people don’t engage in that kind of thing and are mindful always to keep the obscenity off their sites and away from the world. Bullshit. Bullshit. The biggest censors are the biggest fucking hypocrites and if you looked into their backgrounds, they are only “family-oriented” when in public. When in private they are deviants of the worst sort. They molest children, steal millions of dollars from retirees and exploit the poorest of the poor. Don’t worry, though, they tithe plenty to their mega-church.

    Speaking of exploitation: point to me where the glbt community– and their supporters– are exploiting women and children. Where do you see children and their mothers in chains, working for pennies, shaking their asses suggestively in support of equal marriage rights? I want to see real examples of real exploitation, because I’ve never seen it from the gay marriage movement. But the two issues are co-mingled here? Why?

    My child was recently “exploited” by a damned candy manufacturer and her preschool8. They sent my beautiful, blue-eyed 4 year-old home with an order form so that she could sell some over-priced, horrible-tasting candy for a “fund raiser”. Of course, the candy company and the school know that my daughter will work hard to sell that awful stuff and that her family will buy it from her. Why? Because she’s our angel and she’s damned cute. Exploitation. Of course, it’s not the kind we’re fighting on a global scale– like in India where young girls routinely go missing because they’re abducted into the sex industry and sold to rich old men from the States9 — but it’s still exploitative. Did we buy that 8 oz of disgusting, chocolate-covered nuts for $15? Of course we did– from a “religious” organization. Who was doing the exploiting there?

    Ok, ignore my example above. But answer me how the glbt community is exploiting women and children. Please. Because, really, the tying together of those two issues is idiotic.

    I’m losing my train of thought here, but only because I’m trying to imagine how it’s possible for someone not to care about their own family when they care so much about everyone else’s. My proud liberal heart just wants to see equal rights protection regardless of sexual orientation, children who don’t go without health care/food/housing, and women who don’t have to see their children suffer because of economic uncertainty. Shit, if that doesn’t make me “family-oriented” then fuck it. I don’t want to be.

    Oh, and a disclaimer:
    I have never claimed that Fabulously Jinxed was family friendly. In fact, any amount of reading will lead you to see that children who are of reading age should not be reading my blog. This entire blog is, in fact, Not Safe for Kids. And, no, my own children don’t read it because mama gets to have her own safe place too.

    Also, I’ll add linkage later (to a couple of things)– if I get around to it. Seems I’m a little busy these days forgetting I have a family. Feel free to add some linkage of your own in the comments if it’s pertinent to the post and adds value to your argument (or mine, if that’s the case).

    Popularity: 18% [?]


    Sphere: Related Content

    1. The gist of the conversation isn’t important here. []
    2. Which religion? []
    3. Non-Christian?? []
    4. Said by family-oriented, religious, conservative women []
    5. In which I’d been full time, as a stay-at-home liberal mother until very recently. []
    6. In the way of gay adoption. []
    7. Charity– a Christian value, yes? []
    8. She goes to a Christian preschool, by the way, because it’s the best in the area where I live. []
    9. No doubt good “conservative” men []

    I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.