Who is up for a rollercoaster?

Rollercoasters are fun, right? They give you some type of thrill. That thrill that keeps you interested and running back for more. It pulls you up, throws you down. Thrusts you forward , pushes you back. It scares you, makes you laugh. Some even make you sick to your stomach. It’s that indescribable thrill that pulls you back to ride again and again.

He’s the creator of my personal rollercoaster. An emotional one. Filled with its own type of thrills. Also filled with heartache and tears. Laughs and fears.  Sometimes he even has the ability to make me feel physically sick.

He is my rollercoaster.

In this world full of disappointments, heartache and cruelty. People seek out distractions. They seek out things to level them.  Healthy emotional beings search for stable relationships. They are able to find these said relationships. They know when to let the unstable ones go. Then you have people like me – that hold on too tightly.

As I said before, I wasn’t expecting to fall in love with him. After that night, after that connection was created. Something changed in me. It was like my faith in him, in love, had been born. I have had others tell me how they felt about me. But it had always felt…Superficial. The way he felt vibrated by soul – radiated my heart. I felt it.

I felt safe with him. I was able to be vulnerable with him. Being vulnerable with someone wasn’t something that came easy for me. If anyone knew how frightening it was for me, they would understand the risk I took with that. I’ve taken that risk twice in my life. Twice.  Both times I got burned. It chipped away at my heart. It made me so cold. He was able to bring warmth to my heart. Do you understand how scary that was? I did. But that thrill, that thrill that sent me on an emotional ride. A ride that I didn’t want to end. I needed it.

He had someone. I knew that. I accepted it. As I said before it wasn’t meant to be like this. I don’t believe he meant it to be like this. But it happened. Things happen.

I made a conscious decision to be the other woman.

I was never proud of this decision. It actually ate at my soul. I know how it feels to be betrayed. How it feels to be lied to.  Cheated on. I never expected to be the perpetrator after being a victim myself. But this was different. We loved each other. I’m sure that’s the common rationale used, right? To justify wanting to be with a man who is already taken. To make it feel right. When in all reality it isn’t. To be so selfish, and to know it’s selfish. It makes you question your morals all together. It makes you question his respect for you, as a woman.

I pushed it in the back of mind. The things I knew. The doubts I felt. The uneasiness that I felt every time I wondered why he hadn’t left. I secretly questioned his motives. His feelings. It was only natural to wonder if he loved me why not just be with me. I pushed it all in the back of my mind. For as long as I could. Instead I held onto how sweet his kisses were. How gentle his touch was. The way he looked at me. Our conversations. I wasn’t the only one who had become vulnerable. Or was chasing this thrill. He was just as engaged as I was.  As in love as I was. We created this double life, a life we stayed in so safely when we were together. We lived this lie, this beautiful lie for a very long time. But all beautiful things come to an end. Soon enough my emotions would take over. Soon enough this rollercoaster wouldn’t be so exciting anymore. Soon enough my faith in love would be crushed again.

 

“Beautiful hurricane, I create disasters”

She just wants to be loved

She just wants for someone to make her feel wanted,

to make her feel Loved.

So she settles for the half truths, and inconsistent kisses and hugs.

She deals with the constant arguments that drains her energy.

She’s exhausted.

But she just wants to feel loved.

So she watches him fill his body with toxins,

she watches what it does to him,

mentally and physically.

She doesn’t see how toxic he has become to  her,

mentally and physically.

But she ignores her own soul’s deterioration,
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“Beautiful hurricane, I create disasters”

Unexpected

I can’t think of many redeeming qualities he possesses. Half of the time, okay maybe majority of the time, I’m struggling to even find what it is I even find attractive about him. He really isn’t my type physically. Besides his curly black hair, his smooth brown skin, his perfectly shaped lips. Ok…ok maybe I do know why I am attracted to him. But it’s not his looks that have me so dazed by him. Quite frankly I don’t know what it is about him that does. I get irritated by his impulsiveness. His arrogance. His inability to be selfless at times. He is not someone  that I would have thought I would love. His reputation is far from flawless. If I had been looking for perfection. He was far from it. But I fell. And I fell hard. So unexpectedly.

Is it love? For a long time I prayed that it wasn’t. All I was looking for was a distraction for a lot of things that were falling apart in my life. A good time, if that’s what you want to call it. He brought excitement into my life. Secret meetings, in secret spots. Both just looking to escape reality.  But I know that I myself, possess a certain curse. Men seem to fall for me even when they don’t think they would, and I usually hold the power in these situations. This time no one held this particular power. Even though I could see he was falling. I slipped too.

The moment I slipped I knew the power was now his. Sadly, he knew it too.

I remember the moment. I knew I lost the power.  Sex wasn’t just sex anymore. It became some type of window to my soul. The night I knew I loved him. Everything felt different. Smelled different. We moved different. I felt as though I could hear his heart beating through his chest. My heart beat seemed to sync with his. Everything slowed down. I focused on his breathing. Everywhere his breath touched made me shiver. His hands locked with mine. They didn’t let go. I just kept thinking it was all in my head. It was just me. But then we locked eyes. His eyes stayed on me the whole time. I would look away and he would follow.

He knew.

He knew what I didn’t know , or didn’t want to believe. He knew I had loved him. But for how long. He put his cheek on my cheek and his breathing in my ear,  heightened all my senses. All the times before it was just sex. All the times before I never paid attention to all the details. This time I was in tuned with him. My body was in tuned with his. And at the peak of the intensity. He pulled his cheek off mine. And looked into my eyes. And for the first time the words I love you flowed so sweetly from his lips. And all I could think was, if this wasn’t love then God I don’t know what is.

 

“Beautiful hurricane, I create disasters”