Oh, Obscenities, how I love thee. Let me count the ways.
I use obscenities a lot here on ye ol’ Fabulously Jinxed. I have often told people that I’m crude and my writing is not for the faint of heart (or eyeballs). I have received email from concerned netizens who tell me that my writing would be so much better without the foul language1. I do not, however, carry that language to places that do not appreciate and/or adore it. I try to be respectful of the safe places people have where they’re not overwhelmed with low-class mutterings such as those I prefer. When I venture into such places, I will temper my writing and become less, um, colorful to satisfy the establishment rules. I do not, however, ever camouflage a fine curse word with such characters as @, # or *. This is even more lazy than the obscenities I love to throw down.
Here’s the thing, there really are other words to substitute for the undesirable words. For instance, I have seen sh*t because the writer is either loathe to be seen in the company of such language or because the site forbids it. Why bother to put in one little asterisk? Why not search for a better, less offensive word? For instance, instead of <em>shit</em>, maybe “crap” or “poo” or even “monkey excrement”. The camouflaging is cheap and, quite frankly, lazy.
“Lazy, Jennyjinx? Why aren’t you the lazy one with all your obscene and disgusting language?”
When I say “fuck” on my blog, it’s like I’m in my house saying the word. I use it like it’s my job. I have variations such as: fuck a duck in a truck, fuckity fuck, fuckola and just plain HOLY FUCK. Around the more sensitive and polite folk that I happen to know and who happen to venture into my home I may instead use: flippin’, flappin’ chicken wings and Holy Shinola. These are my attempts at keeping it clean. Honestly, it’s not that cute when a three year-old child flings an f-bomb, so I’ve always been a little careful around Lil’lady and her Holier-Than-Thou grandmother2. Instead of “son-of-a-bitch” I say “son-of-a-cockroach” and such similarly ridiculous little phrases that eliminate the words I want, but allow the meaning of them shine through. Do I really need them? Probably not. But I wouldn’t be myself without them and I just love making up my own off-the-wall phrases and words. It’s part of my charm.
I’m sorry. Did someone tell you I was a lady? You should smack them for lying to you because that shit is not true.
Back to the point I was trying to make. There are many people that are genuinely offended and appalled at such brazen and lazy language. That’s fine. Guess what else I have in my arsenal? A thesaurus! Can you believe that nonsense3? I do happen to know quite a few words that will get my point across just as strongly as those ever-lovin’ f-bombs, but sometimes I can’t grasp them4 and when I’m on my own turf I don’t really need them. I do find them when I’m on someone else’s turf, though, if I’m given enough time. Considering how many people I’ve offended without having used the “naughty” words I’m pretty sure I can get some kind of point across too. As such you will never see me masking my curses with # or * or %%, because I will find another word to replace them altogether.
I honestly can’t stand those lame attempts to write the curse without actually writing it. “Look here! I know a cuss word, but I’m too genteel to use it. Ha!” Then why the fuck even bring it up? If you can’t or won’t use the word, why even type a small part of it? Search deep into your vast language resources and find something else to replace it altogether. Is that how you say them when you speak? “Oh, sh-exclamation point-teh!”5 “F-asterisk percent sign-K you!”6 Really? Somehow I doubt that.
Ok, so you really don’t want anyone googling you and finding out that you use “that” kind of language. I get that. I can even empathize with and respect that. But you’re not hiding shit behind a little asterisk and an exclamation point. Most people over 13 know what the hell you’re trying to say without actually saying it. They are not fooled in the least little bit. They know you’re hiding something deep and ugly. Why else would you be using any part of those words to begin with? If you want to take the high road and leave us foul-mouthed fuckheads down in the gutters where we belong, then just don’t use the bad words. Do like everyone in my life has ever told me: develop your vocabulary. And then run with it.
I mean, d-word, that s-word is kinda f-word lame. Dontcha think? Just sayin’ g-word it.
A challenge to all mah peeps:
Please tell me the different and unusual ways you cuss without actually doing it. And don’t be lame either. Getting a bigger vocabulary was already mentioned. Please do get creative and give those poor asterisks abusers some fine ideas7.
Popularity: 7% [?]
- These usually give me much enjoyment and I sometimes post them. [↩]
- Also known as Millie, who is the bane of my very existence. [↩]
- See? I could have said “shit”, but chose a more family-friendly word instead. [↩]
- FMS kind of made me stupid. [↩]
- Translation: Oh, shit! [↩]
- Translation: Fuck you! [↩]
- And me too as I love to say new an interesting variations on my old favorites [↩]