Let the Summer Begin

So, I’m dating again. Did I mention that? No, because I’m too busy bringing more shit into my life. Well, let’s talk good stuff.

I met this guy from Cleveland. He’s my age and has a job, a car, and his own place. He’s freaking adorable. We talk every morning now and are close to getting to the final step. This is where my anxiety kicks in. Is he going to like me when he sees me? I don’t know why I think this because I’m not catfishing anyone. But I do enjoy talking to this guy and he’s making such a good effort to woo me.

Then there’s this other guy. He lives about 20 minutes away. He sent me some pictures this morning and his house is amazing. His body is also amazing. Not going to lie. I mean, generally I laugh at dick pics, but his came at the most opportune time. I was so pissed and then BING. There it was. Aww, thanks, fucktard. It looks like a penis – as they all do – and it looks like he likes to use it. Good for him. I know that he’s the one who won’t call after we get naked.

And he is the one I’m going to spend time with this weekend. I can tell he’s not really interested in anything long-term. So he’ll be doing his guy thing and then will ghost. That’s perfectly fine with me. I think that’s what I need right now. Just a rough-and-tumble and then “BYE!” I’m good with that. He’s a very pretty man and, apparently, has a high sex drive. That works for my purposes this weekend. Shit, I might like him so much that I’ll stop talking to the other.

Hahaha! No, I absolutely will not. Fuck monogamy. I tried it. I don’t like it. I know the risks and I know how to be safe-ish1. I have not been a believer in monogamy since I was a teenager. I think everyone cheats in some way and that we’re not designed as animals to practice monogamy. Easy peasy. I think if it works for people then good for them. But it has never been something that works for me. I always end up on the wrong side of a fucked up situation when I try it. When I wasn’t monogamous – and my men knew about each other2 – I was much happier. I didn’t give a shit if Jay showed up one night, because I could call Jason. And I refused to let myself get attached to my secondarys3. Actually, back in the 90s I refused to get attached to anyone. If I started to feel a certain way about a dude I put him to the side. I wasn’t having that.

Monogamy is for wolves and birds. And probably some kind of marine animal of some sort. It’s not for humans. It’s not for me. I waste time on that shit. Being careful not to flirt, refusing otherwise fine engagements because he might get mad, changing my behavior so he is comfortable – all the while the shady motherfucker has his penis in half the town. I don’t like that. I don’t like that my partner would risk my health and not tell me. If I know that my dude is seeing someone else then that mofo is wrapped up when he’s spending time with me. I want to be safe. I’ve never had an STD and I don’t really want one. I’ve heard they kind of suck. Anyway, that’s the way I prefer it. I don’t want to be the one who gets shit on anymore. I’m sick of it.

So, I have a thing tonight, a date tomorrow4 and a date on Sunday. Not with the same guy. This would be J, M and R5. I think there’s another J in there but I haven’t talked to him all week, so he might have to wait until next weekend.

I know I should be writing, but fuck it. Let’s have some fun.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. No one is completely safe. []
  2. I am honest about the fact that I will accept other partners if they meet my needs. I’m selfish that way. They then have the choice to accept that or move on. []
  3. Side dick? []
  4. Maybe a sleep over. Depends. []
  5. I’m not bothering naming them. []

A short: Garden of Ashes and Rock

Is this younger generation so callous that you just say ‘I love you’ with such abandon? Have you no point of reference? Have you even felt that chest-gripping, intoxicating, beautiful thing that is falling in love? Can you describe it? Has it ever taken you to the moon and back? Did you pray to the gods for this magnificent gift? Has your breath caught at the very thought of someone else? When your mind drifts to their lips, do the butterflies begin to flutter?

There is nothing so awesome of that first realization of love. The air smells cleaner. The sky is the clearest blue. The birds sing in harmony. It is so much more beautiful when the object of that love feels the same way about you.

Have you ever felt that feeling, that confidence, only to learn that the love you feel is one-sided? All those words, all that sharing, all the bonding… all of it an illusion? Who can do that to another person? Who can so righteously cause that amount of pain? This lie leads to that lie to that lie to the nightmare you gaze upon today. Eventually the realization sets in that this was worse than a game. This was you being of no greater use than a hammer to a nail. You are defeated. The wound left behind will never fully heal. The hole will never be gone. New doubt has been born and that is what will flourish in this garden of ashes and rock.

/fin

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

“Stranger in My House” – Tamia

Mm, mm oh

I don’t understand
You look just like the man
In the picture by our bed
The suspense is pounding and clouding up my head
I’m checking your clothes
And you wear the same size shoe
You sleep in his spot and your driving his car
But I don’t know just who you are

There’s a stranger in my house
It took a while to figure out
There’s no way you can say who you say you are
You got to be someone else
Because he wouldn’t touch me like that
And he wouldn’t treat me like you do (you do)
He would adore he, he wouldn’t ignore me
So I am convinced that there’s a stranger in my house

Now show who you are
Don’t see your shadow around when you walk
Your leaving no kisses
Goodbye with no words
If these walls could talk
They would have nothing to tell

So what could it be
Is there someone imitating me
Could she be taking my place
Look me in the face
And tell me that I am wrong when I say

There’s a stranger in my house
It took a while to figure out
There is no way you can say who you say you are
You got to be someone else
Because he wouldn’t touch me like that
And he wouldn’t treat me like you do (you do)
He would adore he, he wouldn’t ignore me
So I am convinced that there’s a

Stranger in my house

Pop quiz
Tell me where we first kissed
Tell me where my spot is
Tell me if I like it, love it
Or could it be
That the stranger is me
Have I changed so drastically
Is it I want more then me
And you remain the same

There’s a stranger in my house
It took a while to figure out

It took a while to figure out
You can’t be who you say you are
You got to be someone else
Because he wouldn’t touch me like that
And he wouldn’t treat me like you do
He would adore he, he wouldn’t ignore me
So I am convinced that there’s a stranger in my house

Woo

There’s a stranger in my house
It took a while to figure out

It took a while to figure out
You can’t be who you say you are
You got to be someone else
Because he wouldn’t touch me like that
And he wouldn’t treat me like you do
He would adore he, he wouldn’t ignore me
So I am convinced that there’s a stranger in my house

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

Things I have Learned From Idiot Men

I create a lot of problems for myself. I will be the first one to admit it. I will look down at my foot and shoot that fucker right off. I am too impulsive.

I did another stupid thing last weekend. I maybe will talk about this stupid thing when I can figure how out to tell the story1, but that’s not today. I want to talk about something I learned from my experiences with my craptastic exes. You know, the ones I allowed myself to become emotionally invested in. The ones that mattered.
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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. I’ve written it and deleted it about 10 times. []

Going it Alone

I took the trash out to the curb this morning and, for the first time, I only had to carry one can to the curb. This is the first time in 15 years that it’s just me taking care of a child. I mean, yes, I knew before, but I wasn’t the only adult in the house even after TheMan and I split up. I had my sister and everyone else who came over until Lucifer moved in. And even then we always had company. My family was making up for lost time, I think. Now that I was free they were free to be around me again. Then I had Lucifer with me and, well, everything that entailed.
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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

I’m Sick of Pretending

I’d like to make a confession.

I am terrified right now. I know what I need to do to go forward. I know what’s required to survive. I used to be so resilient. I’d bounce back from anything the fates threw at me.

But there’s been too much bouncing. Too many times I’ve had to find the pieces of my shattered life and putting them back together.

There has been too much goddamned loss. There ate too many scars. There are too many pieces of me cut off. This last time was too much. I just knew deep in my soul that he lives me. But he didn’t. I was wrong again. And I broke my own heart.

Moving won’t bring any if what I’ve lost back. I will always be missing pieces. I will always have this hole in my middle. I’ve run before. Then I came back and lost even more. I’ve hurt myself beyond measure. The fates have taken my confidence. They’ve left me dangling in the wind. I’m not getting stronger here. I’m not finding what I’ve never had. I had it. And then it was gone. Poof!

I have a story to tell and it’s a long one, folks. I hope you read to the end, but I think you already know the end.

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I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

What is Going on Here? Hint: Cougar Hunting

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve got profiles on some dating sites. I’ve been more active on them lately, which means I’m getting more traffic. Now, I’ve set an age range on my profiles. I don’t want to date young guys so I’ve made the limit 35-50. Anyone in that age range is acceptable to me. But here’s the thing: I keep getting messages from really young guys. These dudes are lying about their age in order to be able to message women my age. I had some idea of MILF hunters and I’ve joked that I’m a MILF. I didn’t think that seriously though. I mean, look at me, I’m short and my hair is weird. I expected to get messages from divorced guys, to be honest. Nope.

I’m mainly getting messages from guys younger than my age range. “I’m not really 42. I’m 25.” Shit like that. I had no idea so many guys were into women my age. I have a look about me, I guess. These mofos are pretty bold, too. Most of them are really respectful about it. But some of them are pretty aggressive. One guy told me I look just like his mother and that makes him hard. He asked me if I wanted to know why. I said “No, I don’t.” But he proceeded to tell me his mommy fantasy in great detail. Holy shitballs, that made my skin crawl. I laughed about it on Twitter, but it really was very, very creepy.

I don’t do that mommy shit. I don’t do the MILF thing either. Yes, I dated a man 20 years my junior, but I didn’t think of him like that. He was my man. These kids want to me to treat them like my children and I hate that. What the hell is going on with these guys? I’ve been chatting with one young dude1 and asked him why he was interested in older women. He said “more mature, no games and loyal honest and yes sexual experience is a plus”. I laughed. He has no idea who he’s talking to. I hate it when guys say they like honesty. None of them do. I’ve never met a man who truly likes honesty. And, yet, when a dude tells me that shit I will test him every single time.

When Lucifer and I first got together we agreed that we would completely honest with each other. And we also agreed that we could see other people. I told him what I don’t know won’t hurt me. And he said he wanted me to just be open and honest with him. When we got back together the final time he admitted to me that he got really jealous when he knew I was with someone else. He got really pissed when the pup would blow my phone up. He hated when I went on dates with other people. But he’d wanted me to be honest with him. So, I was honest with him. I told him all about it. I called him at the end of one date and told him all about it on my way home.

That was a bitch move, I know. But I had no idea that this was bothering him. I knew he was seeing other people. It was only fair, right? Anyway, he was a real trooper about it. He laughed at my the jokes I retold. He wanted to know if we made out. He was chatty and sounded like he was in a good mood. I remember I was really comfortable with the conversation because he sounded ok with everything. He told me later that he wanted to kill me the entire ride home2. I felt like that’s what he got for giving me permission to be an asshole. No, that’s not really fair to say. But that’s how I felt when he told me it hurt him. “That’s what you get, motherfucker.”

And how am I attracting all of these MILF hunters? Or cougar hunters, as one guy called himself:

I really don’t want to date a guy that young again. I made an exception for someone I thought was really special and that was obviously a mistake. I don’t want to go through all of that again. And I certainly don’t want to be some mommy fetish. That’s just so much ewwww.

Lil’lady says I shouldn’t date right now… because my future ex-boyfriend lives in Georgia. I about pissed my pants when she said that. She was so adamant about it. Based on what’s going on in this dating app she doesn’t have to worry about me falling in love with some asshole who convinces me to stay. Hahaha. Yeah, that shit’s not popping off again. I want to have fun, but I don’t want to be in love. Which means I’ll probably be pulling some bitch moves.

I’m looking forward to it.

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. Wtf? I’m so stupid. []
  2. He was actually driving his car and was on his way home from seeing his baby’s mom. []

TheMan Has Lost His Mind

So, I have a funny story. Oh, yes. It is hilarious.

I have the littles this weekend. Lil’lady went with her dad to take Millie to lunch. I spent most of my time dodging Lil’est as she jabbers in my ear1. I haven’t bothered to even put on makeup today. No point in it. Today is Read More

I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.

  1. She’s still at it. Gods bless her. []