I didn’t know I missed him. I didn’t know I cared about him. Not until he wasn’t there anymore. Not until I was the only one he could count on. Not until I saw him blush when I smiled at him. Not until my heart skipped several beats when I saw him again.
My life is different now. I am in a whole new phase. My house is sold and I’ve already moved. I’ve grieved for what I lost. I cried, screamed, raged, and, finally, accepted. I’ve said goodbye and good riddance. I made a promise to myself that it would just me and Lil’lady until I could go without being triggered by certain things. I’m not ready yet. I’m still too angry to let anyone else into my life. The kind of person I’ve become scares me. I’m not good for anyone yet.
He reminded of who I can be. Who I used to be before I gave my self away to men who hated it. I don’t ever want to feel when I realized I am literally nothing to the other – when I saw the reality of it. I was devastated in a way I can’t explain. I need to get used to being on my own right now.
But that smile tripped me up. I’ve already hurt him terribly. I used him. And he knew what I was doing. Still it didn’t matter to him. Not anymore. I’ve redeemed myself to him and he became special to me.
I don’t trust myself anymore. I’m rebuilding my life, but I don’t even know what’s wrong with my brain. How can I go about rebuilding my self now that it’s been obliterated? Until I can fix that…
He beamed when he saw me. He missed me. I missed him and didn’t even realize it. Here’s to a new chapter of my life.
I like geeky stuff, politics, squirrels and monkeys.