Ok, people. This is the first time I have ever done a live blog. Let’s see how this goes.
The second Presidential debate of 2012.
Candy looks like her face lift surgeon went crazy. What’s up with those eyebrows?
20 year old college student: How are you going to get me a job?
Mitt “Orange Face is Cool” Romney is up first.
Talking about struggling to pay student loans. “Sell your stock options, bitches!”
Mr. Outsourcer-in-Chief wants this kid to get a job. But he’s going to have to emigrate to China if Romney has his way. He knows how to create jobs– in China.
Barack “Your future’s so bright you gotta wear shades” Obama is up next.
He’s promising to create jobs in this country. Not in China.
He keeps saying he wants to build jobs in this country. Boo ya! Take that, Outsourcer.
He wants everyone to get an education like Jeremy is getting. He also wants people retrained to do jobs here– not training their counterparts to take jobs to China.
He wants to reduce the deficit and make green energy… wait. He’s rambling.
Your future’s so bright, Jeremy!
Candy said “Romley”. That’s proof she’s drunk.
She wants Romley to expand on he’s going to transfer good jobs to China.
Romney has dropped the BLS truther shit on the crowd.
His jobs in China are going to put 12 million people to work. But they have to go ahead and emigrate first.
He’s saying something about taking the auto industry bankrupt. Take them bankrupt. Proof he’s drunk.
Now Barack is saying “let them take them into bankruptcy”. Everyone’s drunk.
“Mitt is shipping jobs overseas and getting tax breaks for it. He’s making money off shipping jobs.” Well not a direct quote, but good enough.
“We’ve fought for 4 years to get out of this mess.” Boom.
Romley’s trying to interrupt Candy. She ain’t having that shit. Sit down, motherfucker!
It’s the voice of the red-headed guy from “Family Guy”! Holy shit! Dude, you’re still undecided?
Obama is talking about increases in raping the earth for gas, oil and coal. He wants us to go green. Wants to tighten fuel standards.
He’s talking 600,000 jobs and a hundred years of energy right under our feet with “natural gas”. How the fuck does that keep gas prices low? I hate fracking. It makes my eyes bleed1.
He’s talking about China and Germany making these investments. Obama doesn’t want jobs going there. Boom! China again, bitches.
Romney’s up bitching about the number of drilling companies raping the federal lands. He’s all “Let’s drill this shit, baby!” Where did we hear that before?
Mr. Oil, Mr. Gas and Mr. Coal? Who are these people, Romney? Some of your Chinese factory workers?
He’s talking about bringing jobs coming back while he’s busy shipping jobs over to China.
Romney’s all for killing our earth and drilling on college campuses. Way to go. I think.
Obama’s touting raping public lands. Tsk, tsk. He should be mentioning how that’s hurting our country and making our citizens sick. I’m not keen on this shit. Clean coal? Clean oil? Clean natural gas? Not a good topic.
Here comes Romney to say Obama cut permits. Obama calls him a liar. Romney isn’t letting him answer. ANGRY ROMNEY! He’s obviously drunk.
Obama is explaining that he took away permits that weren’t being used. Romney is getting belligerent. Obama said that he is re-issuing these permits and Romney interrupted. Who’s angry now, bitches?
He’s talking about what the price of gas was when Obama took office. Here’s a clue, people, our president doesn’t have anything to do with gas prices. And the XL Pipeline is going into the world supply and will not bring down the price of gasoline. He’s high.
Obama is talking about how Romney’s policies destroyed this country when they were Bush’s policies. He’s now talking about the XL Pipeline and saying he’s all for pipelines. Blech. I’m not keen on that.
He’s talking about Romney dismissing the windmill manufacturing jobs. He says that there are people making money there. Romney is thinking he’d love to ship those jobs over to China too.
Romney is getting pissed that Candy isn’t letting him follow-up. He says Obama got to talk after him. Waaaaaaaaaaaaah. Baby, need a binky?
Obama gets his last lick in. Romney’s face got even redder. Is that possible? He’s more burnt orange at this point than just pale orange.
Romney gets to talk about his taxes. Are we going to get specifics? I doubt it.
Romney wants to bring rates down. But he’s going to happily get rid of deductions. Woo hoo! That’s awesome sauce.
He’s talking about middle-income people a tax break. But he’s going to get rid of their best deductions and credits. Fuck you, people, you don’t need no stinking deductions!
Hey, Romney, how many middle-class people do you know who can donate $700,000 to their own charity to get that deduction?
He’s going to reduce those taxes, bitches. CUT THEM.
Obama is now talking about his taxes. Bet he’s got an actual plan. We’ll see.
Romney stole Obama $250,000 number. Obama is reminding people that Romney’s buddies are obstructing that tax break on the poorer folk. They want Romney to have even more tax breaks. Woot!
He’s talking about Romney going on 60 minutes. Romney said it was fair that he pays less percentage in taxes than a nurse. Because shipping those jobs to China will grow the economy.
Obama is reminding folks that getting Americans back to work will grow the economy. Imagine that!
How does Romney pay 60% when he paid 13%? How does Mitt Math work? I didn’t learn that in my fancy state college.
Romney is yapping about how he’s going to create all these jobs. 54% of the people lucky enough to be working are working for small businesses.
Hahahaha! He just said he’d crack down on China. And he wants to help small businesses. He is talking about his history. That makes me want to fall down. Laughing. But I have to pee my pants first. Because he said that shit with a straight face.
Candy is coming back to Obama. This will give Romney an aneurism.
Obama is taking Romney’s rhetoric and shoving it straight down his pie hole.
“He has to pay 14%. A lot of you are paying much higher.” Boo ya! That’s right, bitches.
Now we have introduced Big Bird into the mix. Obama is bringing up Romney’s investments, but he’s not saying that magical word– “Bain”.
He’s talking about Romney’s sales pitch. Romney has steam coming out of his ears. He’s really, really red at this point. His eyes are red too. I think he’s going to cry.
Romney says that he ran businesses for 25 years. Yes he did. Bain Capital, which took over other businesses and dismantled them. He caused them to go bankrupt and shipped them overseas. Why isn’t Obama bringing this up?
There goes Romney ignoring the moderator again. He’s looking at her like she’s food. Food that he doesn’t want to eat.
Obama is talking about his mother and grandmother raising him and trying hard to work, but hitting a glass ceiling. He’s talking about Lily Ledbetter being the first bill that he signed into law.
Finally, he’s bringing women into the conversation. He’s talking about women being the center of the family. That’s right, mofos.
He’s talking about young women going to college and going on to make better money. “We don’t tolerate discrimination.” we’ll see.
Romney is going to try to pretend he cared about his governorship. Apparently he didn’t notice that people in Massachusetts don’t remember him quite so fondly.
He’s going on about finding women in his cabinet. Affirmative action, people. He was actively searching just for women.
He says people in the workforce need to be more flexible. Or is that employers? He just lost his mind.
Suddenly all of the people who are unemployed and living in poverty are women. All the menz are working or dead. Or have had sex changes. we’re still working on finding that out.
He’s talking about the economy and women. I think he wants us to move to China to pack tampons in the tampon dispensers. Except on our period days. On those days we’re going to be knitting socks.
Obama is back up talking about Romney not being sure about Lily Ledbetter. He’s swung over to birth control and tied that shit to the economic issues of women. Slam fucking dunk, mofos. That’s right. We don’t want to be Michelle Duggar popping out little monkeys every 10 months2.
He’s talking that “these are not just women’s issues. they are economic issues.” Damned skippy, bitches. I think Romney just blew 5 gaskets. His Chinese worker just came and replaced it for him.
This lady says she’s undecided but she blames Bush for the economic downfall of the country. In my professional opinion, she’s full of shit. She wants to know how Romney is going to be different than Bush.
Romney is ignoring her question and throwing a fit about not being able to have the final word in the last segment. Someone needs a nipple in his mouth, poor baby.
He’s all over the place with energy now. What the fuck does that have to do with this? He’s going to cut down on China? I guess we can count shipping Americans over there with their jobs that could count.
Romney is confused. He’s still stuck on how he will create jobs in China. He’s not telling that lady how he’s different from Bush. Now he’s going on about Bush sucking big donkey balls. Did he just admit that Bush imploded the country? Well, no. Romney doesn’t admit to anything.
Obama’s up.
He’s talking about jobs too. He did mention that Bush caused the country to hemorrhage jobs. Ooooh. Snap, bitch! He brought up Romney’s investing in companies who love to outsource. “You’re the last person who will get tough on China!” Smack that orange dude straight in the lip. POW!
He’s talking about not letting China flood our market with cheap tires but Romney objected because, well, duh, he was making money off that shit.
Obama says George Bush didn’t call for self deportation. Bwahahaha! Hecks yeah.
Romney gets no love this time. Sit down, mofo.
Mike isn’t optimistic about voting for Obama. He wants to know how Obama is going to make his toilet paper cheaper.
Obama’s up first. Romney’s twitching.
I don’t really know how a dead bin Laden will make toilet paper cheaper, but we’ll get to that, I guess. I’m more interested in Romney’s seizure. Someone is zapping that motherfucker to keep his lips shut.
Obama is talking about saving money by ending wars. It’s much cheaper to bomb villages and kill the terrorists while they’re children. He’s going to fix shit the next term that he didn’t the first. Probably that fucking pipeline.
He’s talking about how Romney is going to cut all this shit– Planned Parenthood3, welfare, Obamacare, etc.
Obama is pretending like Candy didn’t speak.
Romney thinks that black dude (Mike) knows better than something. Drunk.
He’s saying Obama isn’t cutting the deficit. Does he know there are some other people who care about other shit? He can hear me. He’s talking about how much more we pay in medical insurance. Well, look here, bitch, if you get rid of Obamacare it’s still going to go up and guess what? The people who will lose their insurance can’t go to the E.R. for their chemo treatments. Maybe he can give us his insurance. And pay for it. He’s got enough money. When he gives us jobs in China we’ll be ok.
He’s talking about the jobs keeping up with the population growth. New babies? Seriously? Why are they letting this man drink?
WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE LETTING YOUR BABIES WORK? We don’t need babies stealing our jobs! Holy shit.
Candy snaps the whip. You ain’t running over her, motherfuckers. Sit down and relax until it’s your turn.
This lady wants to know about immigrants who are living here without their green card, but are productive members of society.
Did he just say this is a country of immigrants? There he goes. Legal immigrants.
Romney is assuming that people from good countries (White people) and with good degrees want to immediately come here. Um, no.
He’s talking about the Dream Act now. I think. He doesn’t know for sure. The kids are anchors, but let them stay.
Does he know Joe Lieberman? Anyone who says super majority is higher than Romney is drunk right now. Why is Romney drunk?
Obama’s up now.
He’s talking about making immigration easier and making a pathway to immigration. He’s talking about shooting mofos at the border. I’m waiting for the fence and the moat to get mentioned. I know that shit is coming.
He’s talking about going after gang bangers. The President of the United States just said “gang bangers”. I’m sorry but that shit is funny.
He’s talking about Romney making life so miserable for folks that they will just self deport. Self deportation is another phrase for “emigrate to China to work and live in that awesome sauce factory.” It’s almost as fun as giving away American jobs. Besides those lazy ass Americans can go pick the fruit the illegals won’t be doing it again.
Romney is up again. He pretended that Candy didn’t tell him to follow up. He’s pissed again. His right eye is twitching. He now says he’s Hispanic. Um. Um.
He’s whining that John McCain beat him in 08. He’s saying he’s not going to round up people to kick them out. He’s going to make life miserable for them so they’ll want to live somewhere else. That’s way different, yo.
Romney is going back to Chinese investments and Obama is arguing with him. Romney’s ignoring Candy and Obama. Now Obama’s turning red. I think his cheeks are really pink. Obama needs to kick some sand in Romney’s face.
Candy just told Romney to sit his happy ass down. I may be wrong, but Romney doesn’t exactly look happy to be. Dang, dude.
Romney just pee’d his pants. Wow. Obama is dancing around the stage.
This guy is coming up with a question from a brain trust. This motherfucker isn’t undecided. He’s a liar. Looks like a Republican to me.
Obama is talking about the security procedures in Libya. I’m pretty sure this isn’t going to end well. I’d like Obama to make this segment a little bit short. Though I’m not too sad about him bringing up Romney using Libya as a political issue.
He’s all “I mean what I say. These motherfuckers don’t mess with the U.S. Um, who killed bin Laden? That’s right. Bush couldn’t find him in 8 years and BAM! We get him. What?”
He says he’s got to greet the coffins when they come home and he says “you know I mean what I say”. Hmm. Well, I guess I’ll move on from that portion.
Romney’s up.
Well, he’s going on and on about the President doing fundraising. What was Bush doing when the planes were hitting the towers? Where was Condi? Blah blah blah. Romney can’t even tell the truth in his campaign what’s he going to do when he’s president? And now he’s going on with “Apology tour” and “leading from behind”? Good lord, right after he went on about Bush sucking big donkey balls. Dude, that shit will play well on Fox News, but they’re already voting for your orange ass4.
Obama’s up.
He’s telling Romney– with very serious eyes– that he doesn’t play politics with our dead. He said it’s offensive. That’s right.
Romney just said Obama took 14 days to call it a terrorist attack, but Candy fact checked that shit right there. She said Obama did call it a terrorist attack the next day in the Rose Garden. Boom, boom, shake that room. Why is your face brick red now, Romley?
Lady wants to know what Obama is going to do to protect us from AK-47s on the street. I don’t believe she’s undecided either.
Obama’s up.
He’s talking about how he wants to keep our streets safe. He’s talking about a kid shot in the head and who miraculously recovered after Obama laid hands on him and healed him.
Or not. Close enough.
“Weapons designed for soldiers don’t belong on our streets.” Except when people are protesting. Actually, Occupiers aren’t even people. Fuck it. Having the weapons turned on them is a-ok. I know he didn’t say it, but that’s ok. I helped him along.
He wants to keep guns out of the hands of the mentally ill. Sorry, Abusive Fuck. Obama doesn’t want you and your Boy Friday to have dangerous weapons. Better luck next time, you.
Romney’s up.
He’s talking about poverty. Somehow if the people aren’t poor then they won’t buy guns and kill each other. I guess they’ll join the New York City or Oakland City police departments.
Oh, sweet baby Jesus, he says the biggest failure of the American government is Fast and Furious. Dude, you really are drunk. I think Candy’s about to smack him down.
Oh, she did. She’s reminding him what the question is and why he changed his mind about the assault weapons ban. He’s now saying he was bi-partisan.
He’s dancing on one foot. Instead of answering the question he’s talking about being bi-partisan. Candy wants an answer. He ignored her and went on about working together.
Obama’s up.
He’s talking about young folks having a chance to succeed so they don’t want to kill each other. I think they’re all forgetting about the militia folks who are the real problem with those weapons. Remember last summer, folks? The rest of us do. The Shik temple? Anyone? WHY DO I HEAR CRICKETS?
Candy is moving Obama along. She’s going to smack some mofos upside the head if they keep this shit up. I bet she’ll use a wooden spoon.
She’s reminding him that the question is about guns. It confused Obama. Oh, yeah. Totes forgot, yo.
Romney’s up.
Question is about keeping jobs here in the United States not China.
Honest to god, if Obama doesn’t scream Bain in Romney’s face I will throw my damned squirrel in the street.
Oh good god, Romney is saying he wants to make America attractive to other countries. Does he remember when he said how awesome their dormitories for the workers were? How they worked 12 hours a day for little pay and how “OMG THAT’S Bomb-diggity!” they are? C’mon now.
He’s talking about putting tariffs on China. I just heard China get ready to cash in their slips. We’re so going to be assimilated soon. That’s ok, though. I’m ready.
Wait, he’s talking about how awesome Canada is. Does he know that Canada has nationalized healthcare? HOLD UP, Mitt! Go back to how awesome Canada is! With their better-than-Obamacare health care system.
Obama’s up.
He’s talking about closing corporate loopholes and lowering the tax rate and… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Sorry. Fell asleep for a minute. I haven’t heard Bain yet. Will let you know how my squirrel makes out.
Uh oh. He’s talking about Bain. That’s right. Dance on his bones. DANCE!
Dang, he only said Romney’s company was an outsourcer. He didn’t say the word. Say goodbye to my squirrel.
Candy is talking about her iPhone and how she contributes to Americans being out of work.
Romney’s up.
He’s saying exactly the same thing he said before about America being attractive. Candy says “No, bitch. Shut up. If you’re not going to spout some new shit, we ain’t hearing you. Moving on.”
Whoa. Way to keep shit on track, Candy.
Obama’s up.
I missed it. Candy made him make it quick.
Romney just said “Government doesn’t create jobs” after spending 90 fucking minutes of telling all of us how he’s going to create jobs.
Now he’s saying some campaigns are about attacking a person instead of policies.
He’s drunk. He’s got to be drunk. No, probably not. He thinks people really are that stupid. Or high. Maybe he thinks we’re all Chinese, Mexican, single-parenting homosexual abortion-having girly men. I don’t know.
He said “Government doesn’t create jobs”. Again.
Now he’s saying something about how he healed the sick and helped the poor and turned water into wine. OH MY GOD! Romney is JESUS!
Back to balancing the budget…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Wait he’s going to get my income up? Government doesn’t create jobs, Romney. Make up my mind. I’m dizzy.
Obama’s up.
Telling us he thinks everyone should play by the same rules and that Romney is a child-labor loving polygamist.
Wait. No he didn’t. I wanted him to.
Obama is telling us that grannies and soldiers and poor people don’t need to work in those Chinese factories. He says we deserve more. He’s saying that medicare and the GI bill aren’t a handout. That’s why he’s running.
I missed something. I misses a whole lot of something. Except for the interesting parts.
It’s over.
The candidates are walking around. Romney and his wife have matching red faces. I’m pretty sure he’s got to have some Pepto-Bismal after that beating.
Ok, I’m going over to Twitter now to see what I missed there. Apparently Romney told us all there’s Chinese hackers in our computers. I’ve got to hunt that bastard down and get him out.
P.S.
I was so busy listening for the word “Bain” that I missed the 47% thing being brought up. Dammit! I knew it. Well, at least we got to the moat, the dead chinese child-laborer homosexuals and granny picking strawberries.
