Updated below
I’m an abuse survivor. I don’t know if I’ve ever shared the stories of my experiences on my blog. I know I haven’t gone into detail about it. My experiences aren’t special. Many people go through abusive situations, either as children or adults. Those of us who have lived through it tend to empathize with other victims. We understand the pain of being berated for having the audacity to be who we are or because we have feelings or because we’re not exactly perfect. We know that, yes, cruel words from someone you love can cause deep, painful scars. We remember that strength and healing can come from knowing someone out there actually cares.
I lived with emotional abuse during my most formative years. As a young adult, I believed that physical abuse was normal and violence was to be expected. It took me a long time to understand that normal people don’t hurt the people they love intentionally. Normal people don’t say things like “You made me this angry. You knew what would happen, but you did it anyway.” That’s what abusers say to control their victims. And then after they’ve been shown the tears or seen the broken heart they apologize with words like “I’m so sorry, but if you hadn’t done what you did I wouldn’t have done what I did.” They like to see the control they have over their victim. Maybe, in some deep recess of their tormented and broken brain, they actually do feel bad that their victim made them so angry. I don’t really care about their reasoning. I have no compassion for abusers.
If only you’d have stopped making me angry.
If only you’d have not been yourself.
If only you’d have realized that I’m capable of such things.
If only you’d have stopped before you let it get this far I wouldn’t have to put you in your place.
I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of both emotional and physical abuse. And, as such, I’m not one to sit back and pretend that I don’t see it or it’s not my business or, maybe, the perpetrator of such acts just needs a fucking hug. I’m not one to see something like this or hear something like this and act like it’s not really a big deal.
I’m not going to pretend like I know the whole story. I don’t need to because I heard the audio. He said this to her:
You did that on purpose, and don’t pretend you didn’t. Yes, an intolerant cunt. You don’t like it? Too fucking bad. You did that on purpose. I even gave you signals that you did it to me, and you did it anyway, because you’ve decided to be a passive aggressive bitch with me for over a month. Admit it! Stop making it my fault! Stop drumming me up, and…stop driving me to this level of anger and pretending that you’re not aware that you do it. You know that you’re aware that you do it.
He’s screaming at her. It’s her fault he’s screaming at her. If she hadn’t ignored his signals he wouldn’t be driven to such anger.
Then to make it even better, he apologized with this. Here’s the apology to her. Don’t worry, though, it’s still her fault.
I can forgive you for doing that to you and to us. I hope can forgive me for my inexcusable tone and words in that final voice mail. It was loud, intense, and used words I deeply regret. I am so sorry for them, and I wish I could take them back, but I can’t. I was furious. No, that’s wrong. I was totally and completely hurt and angry at you for taking our private matters into a public venue like Twitter as you had. And I was also quite drunk.
[..] Again, I am very, very sorry for my choice of words, and that tone. There was no excuse for my channeling my anger in that way, other than that I am human and make mistakes. But you know that about me, as I know it about you.
[...] You did that before my voice message. And you’re now still doing it long after. But none of that excuses my message at all. But neither does my message excuse humiliating us in public for no rational reason that I, nor anyone else can understand. Still, I will not retaliate for that. That is a promise. I will not share details of your life, just to “get even.” There is nothing to be gained but more pain, and I care about you too much to hurt you more than you already are
He says this on his blog:
Shoq stalks and harasses women (variant: he DMs them for “cybersex.”).
Try finding some of these women. You can’t. It’s just one of these things trolls will say because it sounds so controlling and dangerous.You’ll generally just run into dozens of women who know me personally who will point out that I am rather popular with women on twitter.
He goes on to point to this blog as an example of someone trying to railroad him (though in his post he intentionally adds the wrong url). It quotes anonymous women telling of what his tactics with dealing with women. Tactics that have now been shown to be true. So much for trolling, huh?
Ah, so now we have proof that he’s an abuser. Recorded proof and an admission. Considering that other women have anonymously confirmed that he’s done this type of thing before, I guess we can call this a pattern.
At this point I should admit that I’m not fond of vdaze because of the way she behaved toward some folks in the past, in defense of him and prior to seeing the real side of her abuser. She hurt some people that I care about and went on crusades against people who she felt were causing harm to him. She was what we called a “mean girl”. Some would say that she was a bully herself at points. But she does not deserve this. No woman does. I don’t give a fuck who they are. I know what that kind of shit feels like and she doesn’t deserve to know it too. When I say I stand for women’s rights and I’m a warrior against the War on Women, I’m not just talking about keeping the government out of our uteri. I’m talking about standing with other women when men– with or without any modicum of power– attack them. I won’t stand silent because I disagreed with her. I won’t pretend I don’t care what happened to her because of some bullshit Twitter drama. I read that post and heard that recording and it infuriated me for her and for any woman who has ever been on the receiving end of that1.
She’s afraid of him. She knows him so well that she felt the need to inform her employer about a possible retaliation2. She feels like she should get a restraining order. She’s protected her twitter account so he can’t see her (though he gets reports and possibly has a sock account to watch her). The other women mentioned in the other blog are so afraid of his retaliation that they wouldn’t even use their real name. She knows what he’s capable of and it scares her. She shouldn’t be afraid to break up with someone. She shouldn’t be afraid to move on with her life.
According to this blog post, that also has a recording featuring our perpetrator, he has political connections and is willing to use a private investigator to get information on anyone he sees fit. These women have a reason to fear him. They fear this so-called Progressive man who supposed fights for women’s rights. Who uses women, abuses them and then intimidates them– while sitting on his Twitter account all day playing like he’s the knight-in-shining armor.
Here’s an example of his support system, which was posted after it became known what our Chief abuser is capable of:
@brooksbayne And ur point is …? I’m proud 2b friend & ally of@shoq. His tweets make America better. So he can name drop all he wants!
— Van Jones (@VanJones68) September 1, 2012
This bothers me. It bothers me a lot. It bothers a lot of people3. It bothers her the most though. Because he’s got her in his sights and is pissed at her and wants her to feel sorry.
I’m not writing this for myself, but for other people and for her. No one should be afraid some anonymous4 asshole on Twitter is going to ruin their life. If this was done by anyone on the right and we caught wind of it, we’d be screeching far and wide. “Look what they’re capable of! This proves that the right hates women!” We ignore it when it comes from out own side though, don’t we? Not all of us, of course. Some have stood up for her and offered to be there for her. Others have offered advice to help her in dealing with this person. No one should be afraid of standing against him while offering her support.
But there are plenty of Progressive men and women who are pretending it’s just a “family” issue. One even had the gall to say she felt like a child in a divorce. He made clear that particular “feminist” was spending time helping him through his difficult issue. As if this kind of silly little argument is ok and there’s nothing wrong with what he did to her. When we ignore it from our own side, while shouting about it when it’s from men on the other side, then we what does that make us?
I’m frustrated because 1) hearing that recording triggered me, 2) he was able to call this a “mistake” and compare himself to mentally ill artists and 3) the people DMing me to tell me what’s going on aren’t making this noise themselves. He still sees nothing wrong with what he did and he still gets accolades from Progressives. Even Progressives who can’t stand him haven’t stood up to say “Hey, motherfucker, you’re sick and need to shut the fuck about women’s issues. Get your own fucking self in order before calling out anyone else.” Because of my own frustration I decided to write this post. Why? So later, when someone says “Oh, he’s a good guy with lots of good ideas and blah blah blah” I can point back here and ask “Does a good guy do this to someone he supposed loves?” No, good guys don’t do that. Good guys don’t create such havoc that a woman breaking up with him gets verbally abused and feels the need to protect herself against intimidation and retaliation. Good guys don’t show a pattern of this kind of behavior. Good men possess the ability to let shit go and not feel it’s ok that someone they love is afraid of them.5
More importantly: Good people don’t ignore it or excuse it.
Update:
Some folks call this damage control. Rational, sane and normal people call this a threat.
I could drop 2 details about this “ex” and everyone’s perceptions would do a 180 in seconds. But I won’t do that.
— Shoq Value (@Shoq) September 2, 2012
Screenshot because he deleted the original tweet.
There’s a lot of talk about this post, vdaze’s experience and Shoq’s abusive personality on Twitter. He’s pissed. He’s now decided to threaten her. She should know that we’re not going to let him get away with this. Not again. Not this time.
And, no, motherfucker, I’m not anyone’s sockpuppet. I’m someone who you can’t scare and you can’t threaten. You have no power over me. If you didn’t want the world to know what really happened, then maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t have done it.
Update 2:
The ol’ “There’s two sides to every story schtick. Sorry, buckaroo, too late. You’ve already admitted that you did it. We’ve heard the audio. It is not her fault.
My ex knows my ethics prevent me from sharing details of her life, or ours, and what happened. So she tells A side, knowing I won’t rebut.
— Shoq Value (@Shoq) September 2, 2012
Last Update:
I just want to point one thing out. Shoq “apologizes” to vDaze, which you can read here (along with her response to his post), but mistakenly thinks the voice mail that she uploaded was recent. She notes that the voice mail we’ve heard is from January 25, 2012. I don’t know how many of these drunken, enraged voice mails he’s left her, but since he’s confused about which is which, I’m guessing more than one. Think about that.
- If you know me at all you’ll refrain from coming into my comments or my Twitter mentions to say that she earned this for whatever reason. I have no use for that and if you feel the need to voice that then you can fuck right the fuck off. [↩]
- He basically admitted something of the sort in his “apology” and has been shown to do such things. [↩]
- Many of whom have DM’d me privately that I should gather up Progressive women to rain down fire on this asshole’s head, while not doing the same from their own accounts. [↩]
- Not really anonymous, but he likes to pretend. [↩]
- Full Disclosure: I haven’t liked this man for a very long time. He’s a bully and a liar. He likes to take credit for ideas other people have had. Usually I just like to mock his ridiculous, narcissistic behavior and I had a field day when he actually threatened to sue another Twitter user for something someone else said. He doesn’t like me either, so there’s that. [↩]
36 Comments
Thank you. Sincerely.
@Jessica
There’s no need for you to thank me, though I do appreciate it. What happened to you was wrong and I’m glad you decided to make it public. He shouldn’t be able to do what he did to you and get away with it. And he damned sure shouldn’t feel safe doing it. Hugs to you and I hope you’re doing ok today.
This reminds me, if reminding were needed, of the enduring virtues of being alone and self-reliant. The way “relationships” seem to be going in this world, it is better to “relate” only through the solidarity of a demonstration, etc. Ugh.
@Daniel
Human beings are social animals. We’re not meant to be loners. This has nothing to do with the “mistake” of being in a relationship. It has a lot to do with motherfuckers who have an unnatural desire to control others through intimidation and aggression. The only thing she did wrong is trust that piece of donkey dung. She did nothing to deserve the abuse he heaped upon her.
Thank you, for sharing this. Too many women allow men (who care!?) to use and abuse them. Abusive men (and women) need serious help, if they refuse, then women need to try to get away and get some help/support for themselves. Jessica, hope you are doing better, talking about it does help. You have my support and admiration. The “man” in question is a sick jerk.
@Francie
I don’t necessarily agree with this:
It’s not really about allowing them. There’s a conditioning that takes place. At some point it becomes almost expected. She was strong to get out when she did. A lot of abuse victims really do just believe they deserve it. Their abusers work hard to get them to that point.
We can stop referring to him in the abstract. He’s @Shoq. He deserves to be named for what he did to her and, from the evidence I’ve seen, other women.
My mom is a retired probation officer, her job was sentencing Special Victims crimes. Pedophiles, rapists, wife beaters, that sort of crime. She taught me that abusers ALWAYS blame the victims. One man told her “She should NEVER have left me, she knows how much I love her” after he killed his GF for leaving him. FOr abuser abusers they feel this as a true reality.
I know this guy is probably pretty low level functionally. He may do harm to people, but only online emails, voicemails, etc. ( to my knowledge anyway) BUT you are 100% right about the mindset of the abuser. And that voicemail is chilling.
And i agree. No woman deserves this. No man woman or child.
Great post.
@Nadee
We don’t know what he’s capable of as far as physically. But from my own experience– and from work I’ve done/studies/etc.– emotional abuse is just as bad as physical. Remember those women who came forward, but without using their names? Because he scared them still after all that time? He had them conditioned to believe he could. I know what it feels like to be screamed at like that from someone who supposedly loves you and the thought process that happens afterward. He does too. He’s as vicious to women as any man who uses his fists against them.
Thank you.
No thanks needed. She’s not in this alone.
Oh and she also told me that talking about abuse, making it public is just what the abuser doesnt want, but it is the safest thing to do, because they have to isolate the victim. When light is shined on abusive relationships, intervention and healing is far more likely for both parties.
No, he doesn’t want it. You can look at his TL and see that. He’s trying to figure out how to get his revenge. How to get people to shut up and, mostly, how to discredit anyone calling attention to this post or Jessica’s. He’s pathetic.
Thank you as well. It isn’t the first time I’ve heard about “progressive” men who treat the women in their lives like shit, and I’m glad someone is calling them out.
(FWIW, I went underground on social media some time ago partly due to this man. I don’t mean to say “I told you so,” because I could’ve been wrong. No one deserves to discover that the person they’re in love with is an abusive personality. I’ve been there too. I’m sorry, Jessica. I hope you can heal well and move on, free from this asshole.)
Right. Abusers can be any political persuasion, including Progressive, but Shoq likes to position himself as important in the Progressive sphere. I’ve seen so many people call him a “good Progressive”. No, he’s really not. No one who uses women like this is, as far as I’m concerned. You cannot fight against the War on Women when you are part of the problem.
I’m sorry that he pushed you underground. It seems like so many people do that with him. I guess I don’t understand that because I’ve never been afraid of him. I even got put on, what I call, The List™ and he made a hashtag of my name– #jennyhijinx. I took it back though. I found him to be an amusing idiot until I heard that voicemail. That puts him in a whole other category.
I hope that you come back to the social media sphere.
As I tweeted to you earlier, anyone who abuses does not fit the description nor definition of Progressive. Abuse by the very essence is anti-progressive.
Thank you for writing this and thank you for bringing it to our attention.
I’m sorry that I don’t remember your @ Twitter handle. But I do remember that conversation.
If I had said “Oh, well this guy left this really abusive email to this girl…” and basically told the tale that way, the post would be ignored. Even though people know what’s going on, there are still people saying “I don’t know these people so I don’t care” (from someone who follows Shoq). It’s an ugly part of reality and people tend to look the other way.
Putting his own self-identified political persuasion on here, and mentioning the other Progressives who are studiously ignoring this or enabling it outright, caught people’s attention. It’s more than just “This guy who’s an asshole” now. It’s “This guy who’s an asshole and claims to speak for us“.
I don’t believe that anyone who ignores this kind of behavior should call themselves either a Progressive or a feminist or any kind of warrior against the war on women. I think that ignoring or condoning it makes it harder for other victims to come forward, no matter who they are. They see his power and they become afraid.
I think Jessica is incredibly brave for showing us all what happened to her. Now she’s probably going to have to deal with him seeking revenge against his public embarrassment. I hope that people will stand by her when that happens.
@Jennyjinx
To be fair, he wasn’t entirely the cause. I got into Twitter and whatnot because it helped me keep in touch with friends that I hadn’t seen in years, and to this day that’s still why I enjoy it. The constant attention paid to what I thought were minute political matters or points on the “proper” use of Twitter were what drove me away, though this man certainly exemplified some of that.
Thank you, again, for writing this. And to Jessica: I knew you when I was pretty active on Twitter, and I’m not just sorry that you had to find his true colors out like this, but that there were true colors to be discovered at all.
P
Yes, that can get quite tiresome. I will often make fun of that kind of minutiae. He is really good about telling people how to use the platform. I unfollowed him years ago when he took credit for the #p2 tag, which wasn’t his.
I don’t need to be thanked, though I do appreciate it. If you go to Jessica’s blog you’ll see that she’s written about it.
OK.Feelin like a real hypocrite.Was always stereotyped as a result of my color and growing up in the hood. Maybe I didnt pay that much attention to him. All those songs, the passion, & sensitivity. I am SHOQ-ed. I JUST ASSUMED HE WAS GAY! Stay strong my sisters. Much♥
@LeeLee
Haha! No. He’s not man enough to be gay.
A wonderful post on a horrible situation. Really well said and thank you.
Thank you for taking the time to read. Again, no thanks needed, but I do appreciate it.
btw JJ the images you chose are POWERFUL and i think they convey a lot
This is not what a sincere apology looks like:
“But none of that excuses my message at all. [Correction: Nothing excuses my message. Nothing.] But [there are no caveats and no buts in apologies] neither does my message excuse humiliating us [Correction: Not "us" - he means "me"] in public for no rational reason [this is part of an apology?] that I, nor anyone else [see? even OTHER PEOPLE think you're unreasonable, too, it's not just me - this is not an apology] can understand [delete entirely - don't browbeat DURING the apology.] Still, I will not retaliate for that. [Gee, thanks?] That is a promise. [Enough, before it gets vaguely threatening.] I will not share details of your life, [too late - you're now past vaguely threatening. Just stop already] just to “get even.” There is nothing to be gained [see last note re: threatening] but more pain, [STOP IT] and I care about you too much [uh oh, this can't be good] to [hold it - define "care" and provide objective evidence please] to hurt you more than you already are. [CORRECTION: I care about you too much to hurt you MORE THAN I ALREADY HAVE. Not "more than YOU already are"!]
There was no apology in that apology.
Jenny, my twitter handle is dakine100. I’m mostly dakine01 around the toobz but occasionally that name is not available (or I had used it b4 and forgot passwords) so dakine100 is back up name.. I had replied to a JC_Christian retweet of yours with link to this post.
Again, please keep up the good work (now a twitter follower)
Please tell vdaze that progressive women believe her! I’ve had a few run-ins with Shoq -not many, because I have a husband and I don’t talk to strange men I met online on the telephone. He was bossy, rude, and threatening with average-Joe “Stop Rush” volunteers, and did absolutely nothing when several of us had real life crimes committed against us. He pretended he filed FBI reports. He pretended that he wanted to help people. He didn’t – he just wanted the “trolls” to go away. He threatened to blog about a friend of mine when she wouldn’t “act” the way he wanted, online. Neither of us ever spoke to that man on the phone. His tone and his bravado and constant chest-thumping were easy warning signs – I’ve been in abusive relationships. Why on earth would I volunteer to work with a man who treated his most FORMAL relationships with women as a power trip? I wouldn’t. Abuse IS wrong no matter what. Shoq is a misogynist. I can’t imagine why any woman would take “twitter marching orders” from him. He tried it with me, he tried it with other women. I’ve been trolled by the current “ex girlfriend” and I have to say – I’m not surprised he put her up to it.
Hopefully, his day is coming. What the “randy” people are doing to him is NOT right either, and I do hope she takes caution. Randy even posted a photo of my friends address at a DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SHELTER. So, Shoq may be dangerous, but Randy is dangerous as well. I would not trust them to both go away. A TPO is fast and easy to get, then the year-long protection order is a little harder. But I am hoping that she is able to get both. There is a warm and vital community of strong women on Twitter that can help walk her through it.
P.S. I am choosing to remain anonymous on this blog because having an address posted by “Randy” on Twitter is a BFD for those of us who have had abusive relationships. I cannot forget the fact that the “trolls” Shoq was referring to are also psychopaths. I am not sure why any woman would aid them in hurting other women. It doesn’t make a lot of sense and I fear that merely by POSTING on this blog, something could happen to aid Randy and his friends. Please ask your friend to be aware that helping OTHER people hurt OTHER women could literally get a few of us killed. Our danger is JUST AS IMPORTANT as the one with Shoq. Randy wants to silence feminist women by any means necessary, and has posted MANY addresses. My best friend blogs about rape and abuse and Randy “doxed” her using an address she’d stayed at with a DV shelter. So, please, women, don’t think that aiding an obvious psychopath to fight another naracisstic psychopath is helpful. None of these psychos care about “collateral damage” and they will use you and abused you until you walk away. Don’t walk — run.
First of all, I want to make it very clear that I do not think Jessica deserved any of this. Trolls on twitter are easy to take care of and if you feel you’re in danger in real life then you need to take steps to protect yourself.
I don’t know who Randy is, but I assure you that I’m not afraid of him. I’ll happily give him my home address and he can bring his happy ass here. He won’t like what he finds, but that’s the risk he’d have to take. I will not live in fear of anyone.
It doesn’t matter to me who talked to who on the phone. She developed feelings for him, he manipulated her and here we are. She’s not the first woman to fall for the skeevy bastard and, from I’m already seeing, she’s not going to be the last.
No one intentionally goes into a relationship thinking the person they love is an abuser. Ask any survivor of domestic abuse and she or he will tell you that they didn’t know their loved one was capable of such things– even when they were confronted with evidence of a history of such behavior. The conditioning prevents the truth from filtering through until it’s too late.
The “trolls” that Shoq is referring to are people like me. In fact, I am on his list of “trolls”. We’re people who are disgusted by his behavior and have seen the real side of someone who is just ugly all the way around.
I will speak up whenever I see abuse. I am not physically able to stay silent. I’ve been through it and I’m done being afraid and pretending it’s got nothing to do with me. Every single time that happens another abuser is validated. He’s won and I don’t want that.
I’m glad that Jessica spoke out. I’m glad that she was strong enough to do so, not matter what else has transpired between us in the past. This issue is entirely different. If I put myself in the line of fire, then so be it. I’ve done it before. I’ve endured threats and actual violence putting myself between a victim and their abuser. I have nothing to lose by standing with her. By remaining quiet I lose my dignity and my self-respect.
All women who encounter Shoq will find out sooner or later. Only a matter of time.
Yes, this is true. I remember when it happened to you. I’m sorry.
I top his list. Of course, the people involved with this don’t like me because i laid many a verbal beating on all of them. However, to me, that was an act on cyberspace. @shoq clearly is not acting. He’s ranting, victim blaming, and just being verbally abusive as all fuck.
I labeled him as such years ago, and everyone called me a troll. The truth is, everything I said about him has come full circle. And although I ran vdaze through the ringer as well, i don’t’ wish her any ill will. Get away from him, recover, maybe do some therapy for yourself, and find brighter horizons.
I was in an abusive marriage.. I almost lost my soul then… I’ve been through a lot in my life – since birth.. terrible things…but, when abused by the father of my unborn child…thrown about while pregnant, and still after son was born, this was the worst thing I’d ever been through. I really, nearly, lost my soul. No wonder I feel a special bond to you. Hugs! We are stronger…and can hopefully, help others with our experiences.
Can I add that I believe Jessica, as well. I hope that this matters to her.
There’s no doubt Jessica is telling the truth. It’s been well known for a long time that @shoq is a complete scumball. Why anyone ever chose to defend his inability to make a solid intellectual argument is beyond me. I never found him charming, entertaining, witty, intelligent, or anything good. I always thought he was a narcissistic fuckwit with delusions of grandeur and an inability to care for anyone but himself. He needs serious mental therapy. Years of it. He embarrasses himself and anyone associated with him by clinging to this idea that he is ever going to be anything other than some troll’s punchline on the internet.
Thank you, Becca. It does mean a lot.
Yep, he tried this nonsense on me, too.