It’s only a matter of time. I said that before, but it’s getting to be more real now. I’ve stopped wearing my rings. I’ve stopped pretending to be his wife. I’ve told him it’s over. I’ve told him there is no fixing this. I’ve stopped being home with him when Lil’lady isn’t here.
At first he seemed like he didn’t understand. He claimed to love me. He claimed that we could work it out if only we tried. Counseling, he suggested, would fix it all. We’d be a family if only I’d meet him halfway. He sacrificed so much for me! He wasn’t going to throw 8 years away like that. If I’d just spend time with him, at his club, and stop hanging around with my best friend everything would go back to the way it was.
Halfway. The way it was. Did he hear me? Did he look at my face and see that there is no more trying left in me?
I changed the core of my being trying to make this marriage work. I became a whole new person. I rejected everything and everyone from my past life. I laid down and let him kick my confidence until there was nothing left but bravado and show– but only for my Internet peeps. No one else was allowed to get close enough to me for even that. I allowed him to decide who I was, what I wanted, what direction I was going. And I was miserable. How could he not see that?
I talked to him for three hours. Talked and explained and pleaded. I needed him to see that this is over. I needed him to know why. There was no anger or tears. Just frustration as he continued to tell me how I could change to make this marriage better. He doesn’t like the new me, he said. I told him this isn’t the new me, this is the old me– the one he met and did all in his power to eliminate. She’s a lot stronger than the Jen he’s used to. She’s not afraid of being alone anymore. She accepts that she’s worth more than what she gets from him. And this Jen isn’t going to feel the guilt and shame of just being herself and getting the fuck on with her life. I told him this in the most basic and rational way I could. I looked him straight in the eye and was completely honest about my feelings with him. I don’t know how many different ways I told him that I am done. There is no fixing this and I don’t want to even try anymore.
I’ve been spending a lot of time out at my friend’s house. We have a lot of fun together. It’s nice to be accepted without all the judging. We laugh a lot. We act silly (probably more than two women in their late thirties should) and have a really good time. When Lil’lady sees this she’s uncertain about how to behave. She’s 6 years old and has never seen her mother laugh so much. She’s never seen her mother cry from laughing and she doesn’t know what to think about it. She just stares at me and when I try to get her to laugh with me she frowns. My own child is so unfamiliar with her mother’s happiness that she cowers at the sight. In what universe is this even ok? I dance for no other reason that I feel like it and she watches as if she’s half afraid of what I might do next. That breaks my heart. It’s not fair that this little girl has no experience with a happy mother.
But it also makes me stronger. I need to show her how to laugh and dance and not feel shame for who she is. I want her to hear a bird sing and then twirl to the melody of it. I want her to laugh at the tickle of sunbeams on her face. I want her to know passion for life. I want her to rage and love and sing off-tune. I want her to recognize her strength and to embrace it. I don’t want for her what I’ve allowed him to make me.
Lil’ Miss is ecstatic about the changes I’ve under gone. Our relationship has improved 100 times over. She wants to spend time with me and talk to me. She wants to hear “Jen’s Life: The Soundtrack” again. She remembers how I embraced life before I thought I needed saving. She tells me that I’m strong and that I can do this. She reminds me that I’m worth loving just the way I am. “Mommy,” she says to me1”I love you like this.” I didn’t even realize until recently that her and I share the same smile. I was fascinated by that and she thought my reaction was funny. She smiles a lot, but there were no pictures of her and I smiling together since she was little. That’s been remedied. I have a beautiful daughter and I’m damned proud that she’s got my smile.
So, what’s next?
Well, I caught a woman leaving my house on Tuesday night. It’s a really long and complicated story, but the end result was that I didn’t care. I talked to him about it on Wednesday afternoon and just told him that if he’s going to do that I’d like for him to change the sheets. I told him that he should move on and that I want him to find someone that can actually make him happy. He told me that I was free to see other people and that we should just not bring folks back to the house. And then I took off my wedding ring. We don’t have the money right now to file for divorce and move to separate quarters, so we’re living together for now. I don’t know for how long, but at least until I start making more money. We’re just going to continue to live separate lives and coexist until we can’t stand to be around each other anymore. At this point it’s an “open relationship”, but I don’t even feel like I’m in a relationship. I feel freer than that. And I don’t feel guilty about feeling that way.
I want to not be married anymore. I want this to already be over so that the really ugly stuff can be done. I’m anxious to officially be single again. I’m not anxious for the legal work that is involved in the divorce, though. I can tell you this, when I’m not married anymore I will not get married again. This is my final ride in this particular parade. I’m convinced that I’m meant to be an old spinster and I appreciate that. Fuck, I want that at this point. Marriage is for lovebirds and wolves. People like me need to be able to get up and move on without all the legal maneuvering. I thought for a long time that I could make this match work, but then I woke up. And now I just want it over. Finished. Done.
Done
It’s only a matter of time. I said that before, but it’s getting to be more real now. I’ve stopped wearing my rings. I’ve stopped pretending to be his wife. I’ve told him it’s over. I’ve told him there is no fixing this. I’ve stopped being home with him when Lil’lady isn’t here.
At first he seemed like he didn’t understand. He claimed to love me. He claimed that we could work it out if only we tried. Counseling, he suggested, would fix it all. We’d be a family if only I’d meet him halfway. He sacrificed so much for me! He wasn’t going to throw 8 years away like that. If I’d just spend time with him, at his club, and stop hanging around with my best friend everything would go back to the way it was.
Halfway. The way it was. Did he hear me? Did he look at my face and see that there is no more trying left in me?
I changed the core of my being trying to make this marriage work. I became a whole new person. I rejected everything and everyone from my past life. I laid down and let him kick my confidence until there was nothing left but bravado and show– but only for my Internet peeps. No one else was allowed to get close enough to me for even that. I allowed him to decide who I was, what I wanted, what direction I was going. And I was miserable. How could he not see that?
I talked to him for three hours. Talked and explained and pleaded. I needed him to see that this is over. I needed him to know why. There was no anger or tears. Just frustration as he continued to tell me how I could change to make this marriage better. He doesn’t like the new me, he said. I told him this isn’t the new me, this is the old me– the one he met and did all in his power to eliminate. She’s a lot stronger than the Jen he’s used to. She’s not afraid of being alone anymore. She accepts that she’s worth more than what she gets from him. And this Jen isn’t going to feel the guilt and shame of just being herself and getting the fuck on with her life. I told him this in the most basic and rational way I could. I looked him straight in the eye and was completely honest about my feelings with him. I don’t know how many different ways I told him that I am done. There is no fixing this and I don’t want to even try anymore.
I’ve been spending a lot of time out at my friend’s house. We have a lot of fun together. It’s nice to be accepted without all the judging. We laugh a lot. We act silly (probably more than two women in their late thirties should) and have a really good time. When Lil’lady sees this she’s uncertain about how to behave. She’s 6 years old and has never seen her mother laugh so much. She’s never seen her mother cry from laughing and she doesn’t know what to think about it. She just stares at me and when I try to get her to laugh with me she frowns. My own child is so unfamiliar with her mother’s happiness that she cowers at the sight. In what universe is this even ok? I dance for no other reason that I feel like it and she watches as if she’s half afraid of what I might do next. That breaks my heart. It’s not fair that this little girl has no experience with a happy mother.
But it also makes me stronger. I need to show her how to laugh and dance and not feel shame for who she is. I want her to hear a bird sing and then twirl to the melody of it. I want her to laugh at the tickle of sunbeams on her face. I want her to know passion for life. I want her to rage and love and sing off-tune. I want her to recognize her strength and to embrace it. I don’t want for her what I’ve allowed him to make me.
Lil’ Miss is ecstatic about the changes I’ve under gone. Our relationship has improved 100 times over. She wants to spend time with me and talk to me. She wants to hear “Jen’s Life: The Soundtrack” again. She remembers how I embraced life before I thought I needed saving. She tells me that I’m strong and that I can do this. She reminds me that I’m worth loving just the way I am. “Mommy,” she says to me1”I love you like this.” I didn’t even realize until recently that her and I share the same smile. I was fascinated by that and she thought my reaction was funny. She smiles a lot, but there were no pictures of her and I smiling together since she was little. That’s been remedied. I have a beautiful daughter and I’m damned proud that she’s got my smile.
So, what’s next?
Well, I caught a woman leaving my house on Tuesday night. It’s a really long and complicated story, but the end result was that I didn’t care. I talked to him about it on Wednesday afternoon and just told him that if he’s going to do that I’d like for him to change the sheets. I told him that he should move on and that I want him to find someone that can actually make him happy. He told me that I was free to see other people and that we should just not bring folks back to the house. And then I took off my wedding ring. We don’t have the money right now to file for divorce and move to separate quarters, so we’re living together for now. I don’t know for how long, but at least until I start making more money. We’re just going to continue to live separate lives and coexist until we can’t stand to be around each other anymore. At this point it’s an “open relationship”, but I don’t even feel like I’m in a relationship. I feel freer than that. And I don’t feel guilty about feeling that way.
I want to not be married anymore. I want this to already be over so that the really ugly stuff can be done. I’m anxious to officially be single again. I’m not anxious for the legal work that is involved in the divorce, though. I can tell you this, when I’m not married anymore I will not get married again. This is my final ride in this particular parade. I’m convinced that I’m meant to be an old spinster and I appreciate that. Fuck, I want that at this point. Marriage is for lovebirds and wolves. People like me need to be able to get up and move on without all the legal maneuvering. I thought for a long time that I could make this match work, but then I woke up. And now I just want it over. Finished. Done.
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